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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for the stepchildren

247 replies

StepMum2Be · 23/01/2017 16:53

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

OP posts:
MsMarvel · 23/01/2017 17:22

I have a Dsd who is 8 years old. Whenever we have gone on holiday so has always offered to pay more, ie for him and Dsd, but I've always told him not to be silly, that I knew the situation when I got involved and I'm happy to pay my share.

I guess it would be nice to want to be part of a family unit with them, but that needs to come from dp as well as you. Does he include you in the family unit in ways other than financial?

MycatsaPirate · 23/01/2017 17:23

x-post

Ok. If you won't walk then you need to be prepared to pay out for his kids.

I moved in with my dp and my two dc. He has two dc as well. He pays out for them for stuff, I've paid out for my dsc. I think if you are planning on getting married and taking on his children as part of the package (and they are part of the package) then you have to expect to fund stuff.

Why don't you have a joint pot of money which goes on things like this? You both pay into it and then all expenses come out of it so it's not your money or his money but both of yours.

corythatwas · 23/01/2017 17:25

StepMum2Be Mon 23-Jan-17 17:20:22
"The children have their own rooms at our house, they are dearly loved by their father and want for nothing. I don't feel I need to love them"

No, but you need to not dislike them.

Living with somebody who dislikes them is very bad for young people (actually, I don't suppose it would be good for anyone). They need their home (or their two homes) to be places where they can feel accepted. If you can't manage that- and I accept that it may not be your fault- then you need to think again about where that leaves you.

You may be right about the money and there may be hundreds of other cases where you need to put your foot down. But if you think of them in a sneering way it is very hard to believe they are not picking up on that.

AyeAmarok · 23/01/2017 17:25

As you seem to have separate finances (?), I don't think you should be paying half.

SpiritedLondon · 23/01/2017 17:26

Well I inherited a step father at about 11 who I went to live with full time ( along with my brother who was older). At that time he did not have his own children although they came along later. At no point did he ever make me feel like anything other than a very welcome part of the family. If I thought that he was making my mum pay for my meals ( or my bus fares etc) separately I would have felt horrible. He even paid for my wedding!!!! He's great and I love him to bits. What would these kids say about you?

Eatingcheeseontoast · 23/01/2017 17:27

.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/01/2017 17:28

you are not ready for step motherhood OP

That's not at all fair.

OP's DP isn't ready to be a decent parent to those DC and isn't prepared to share his life and family with her, only to take what helps him.

OP I have DSC who are much younger and I adore them, we have them over twice a week, they're a huge part of my life (don't have any of my own yet). DH is 100% supportive, includes me but doesn't expect anything of me, parents admirably and is helping to raise kind, thoughtful, bright, wonderful children who are a credit to both their parents. We all respect each other and they know their two homes have different rules and while I'm not their mother and wouldn't try to be, I do have a role as another parent and they're totally on board with that.

It's. Still. Bloody, Hard. Work. Sometimes.

And that's with everything going as smoothly as it could ever have done.

If the paying for dinners thing annoys you - and that's totally understandable, he's taking the piss - if the lack of boundaries, discipline and respect continue (and they definitely will) you're going to lose your mind, your happiness and joy, your will to live and your commitment to your DP and the relationship you have.

Head over to the Stepparenting board and have a read of the posts where people thought/hoped/prayed their DP would change, married him, bought a house with him, had children with him, and then ended up miserable and trapped or alone because he didn't.

I'm sure you love him, but this doesn't sound like the future you want, and it's okay to be honest about that and move on.

seasidesally · 23/01/2017 17:28

you dont have a good word for the mother,dp or dsc

how on god's earth is this going to work

TheEmmaDilemma · 23/01/2017 17:29

If this is already grating on you, walk away now. It will only get worse.

ToastieRoastie · 23/01/2017 17:29

I can imagine it getting very petty - you may drink alcohol which is more expensive than the DCs share of food, maybe you have a starter and the don't, or they have a side portion of chips and you don't.

As you're planning to get married why don't you sit down and work out the budget for when you do? That's the time to bring up whether you partner should contribute more for his DC and how meals out will be funded.

VenisonIsBloodyDeer · 23/01/2017 17:32

Why don't you just talk to each other? If you've got concerns, then you should talk to him/her and resolve things, not ask for the crazys on MN to back you up

tiggytape · 23/01/2017 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happypoobum · 23/01/2017 17:34

Agree with PP - this isn't going to work.

Bufferingkisses · 23/01/2017 17:35

Step parenting is hard. Possibly the hardest form of parenting, particularly with older dc. You often get no say or input in what goes on in your home yet are expected to smile happily through any consequences.

Loving odd who come to you older is different, more built out of care and shared experience over time than the type you get for younger dc where protection and influence play a part. However all of it can be undone when resentment builds.

Living with a Disney parent is exhausting. My ex is a classic and I've watched two of his relationships fail because of it despite my daughter liking both women and being happy for him.

You don't have to walk away but please try to be realistic about the possible consequences. Will be even discuss things about his dc that impacts you?

OVienna · 23/01/2017 17:36

.

Newbrummie · 23/01/2017 17:37

Run for the hills

FV45 · 23/01/2017 17:37

So, you don't like the children, their Mother or how their father parents his children. Those are pretty HUGE issues in a family, can you see that?

How do you get on with the kids overall and do you feel they like you?
How would they feel if they read this thread? How would you have felt if you were that child?

Original poster
StepMum2Be · 23/01/2017 17:37

We have separate finances but we both pay into a joint account we use when the children are around, we also use it for food shopping and for eating out, cinema, etc when it's just the two of us. It needs topping up a lot more after the children have been. What annoys me about the children is not necessarily paying half (although in honesty it would be nice if he offered to pay every now and then), it's the lack of manners. No please or thank you from them. I get daggers if I say anything to them. I'm the adult and I know that my behaviour must be much better, but when you're faced with two ill-mannered teenagers surely even bio mums' patience wears thin?

OP posts:
Leviticus · 23/01/2017 17:38

Disclaimer - I'm not a stepmother.

You are intending to marry. I think you need to accept that your future DH comes with financial responsibility for his DC and you will share that. It is petty then to be quibbling (even if just in your head) over the division of the restaurant bills.

I'm not going to shout at you as I have no idea what it's like but your OP does read as though you dislike and resent them. They are hormonal kids and they haven't asked to become anyone's stepchildren.

HawthornLantern · 23/01/2017 17:39

OP, I think there are different solutions to this scenario but only if you and your husband to be are on the same page. In my situation I've never been asked to pay a penny towards the expenses of my DP's two children, although I have because they are lovely and I want to, but our relationship began when the DSC were end of teens/early 20s, so the dynamic was very different.

In your shoes I think the financial question is not so much about the dinners and outings but about what you might be expected to contribute when they go to college and whether they might live with you during/after college. I think those issues are worth getting to the bottom of before you find yourself married and potentially in conflict over who pays for what. Of course, you may have had that conversation, but if you haven't then I think you should be clear about what's going to happen (or not).

Servicesupportforall · 23/01/2017 17:39

Sorry op but I hope you leave them alone. Do a good thing and walk away. The kids deserve better.

debbs77 · 23/01/2017 17:40

The problem here is your other half! If he included you , took on your viewpoints regarding issues, and you were treated as 4 rather than 3 and 1, then I expect you would WANT to pay. But he isn't treating you as an equal so therefore why should be paying equally?

I'd seriously walk away. He has no respect for you and neither will they xxx

OneWithTheForce · 23/01/2017 17:41

On the most basic level people should not live with other people who they have such obvious contempt for. I am always amazed by how many people don't think it's important that they don't actually like the people they are living with. As children and teens you have little choice in living with an adult you don't like but as an adult you absolutely can choose not to.

SleepFreeZone · 23/01/2017 17:44

I can't see this getting any better so I would have a very long engagement if i were you. You probably think once they hit 18 they'll be tapping you both for less money. Won't happen, if he genuinely is a Disney dad therefore a people pleaser he will always be finding money to help them somewhere. Driving lessons, uni, deposit for a flat. If you are already resentful you are going to be simmering for decades about it. Plus they will always dislike you as you are the barrier stopping their mother and father being together and they undoubtedly know that you can't stand them.

MirandaWest · 23/01/2017 17:44

How are your finances organised? It sounds as if your finances are separate with you paying half of the bills each and maintaining your own money apart from that. As your DP is preuamably paying maintenance for his DC to their mother then he will have less disposable income than you so it seems unfair IMO for him to pay more than you for their meals.

My DH and I have joint finances. All our money goes in and we budget how it will go out. He has a DS at university and I have DC aged 13 and 11. I do also have maintenance paid by XH. Everything goes in and then everything gets paid. Technically we both contribute to all the children's needs but we don't calculate it specifically.

Different people have different ways of working things out but I think you need to sit down and talk with your DP to work out what will work for you.

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