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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for the stepchildren

247 replies

StepMum2Be · 23/01/2017 16:53

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

OP posts:
LALALALALAND · 23/01/2017 19:40

People aren't saying walk because there's something wrong with you. They are saying that because they know that Disney Parents don't change and you're going to end up in the situation that

You are wrong. They are saying walk away as the OP sound awful and the children deserve better. Calling them little darlings shows that she hates them. Her OH should be running as fast as he can with his children.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

urkidding · 23/01/2017 19:41

Personally, I would do a for and against list about the relationship.
As regards annoying teenagers, again bear with them, pay half, and make that part of your sacrifice for the relationship. The fact is, he loves his children and you have to accept that. He will spend vast amounts of money on them and their children throughout their lives, so you have to make up your mind to accept that. This is only the start. If you want him, don't be mean.

NotYoda · 23/01/2017 19:43

urkidding

Grin
Marynary · 23/01/2017 19:43

I don't know whether or not you should pay half as it really depends on how you split your finances. That is the least of your problems though as it really sounds as if you don't like your step children much. That might be due to their bad manners but it is likely they are behaving like that because they don't like you either. It doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.

JustSpeakSense · 23/01/2017 19:44

He should pay for his own children, if once in a while you feel like treating them to an evening out then that would be nice. But not expected as the norm.

NotYoda · 23/01/2017 19:44

laidbackmummy

I think you do have to like them.

laidbackmummy13 · 23/01/2017 19:44

Stepmothers are damned if they do and damned if they don't. So you won't win. Doesn't matter what we do or say we are classed as evil and so on.... especially on Mumsnet. It's like a witch hunt.

NotYoda · 23/01/2017 19:45

OK then

corythatwas · 23/01/2017 19:46

laidbackmummy13 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:36:40
"My advice , you love him. And contrary to popular opinion you do NOT have to love them. You don't even have to like them. Simply be polite and point them in their fathers direction any time they want something. They are not your responsibility so he pays for them when you go out and when you stay in. Christmas birthdays and special occasions also his to pay. "

So how comfortable would you feel sharing a home with someone who disliked you?

Original poster
StepMum2Be · 23/01/2017 19:47

What is a reverse? Sorry I'm new to this as I said in original post? The situation is entirely genuine and I'd like to thank those who've contributed in a constructive way even if it's not necessarily in my favour. As for the trolls, well you get them everywhere. For those who asked I met H2B just over three years ago, we met a year after he'd split with the children's mother, I was not the reason they split. I have never even thought of "beating" them, how ridiculous, it was a badly worded way of saying my mother taught me good manners. I'm unable to have children and am a little too old now anyway. I don't resent one meal, I resent very very many with no thanks. Thank you all for commenting, it's been interesting and I'm a bit hooked on mumsnet for now.

OP posts:
ZombieApocalips · 23/01/2017 19:48

OP
Have you considered that if the mum couldn't look after the kids or the kids fell out with her then they'd have to live with you full time. With insane house prices, you could be paying for them for a very long time and the eating out budget will seem like such a minor problem. Don't marry your partner if you couldn't live with them full time. It will save everyone heartache.

OdinsLoveChild · 23/01/2017 19:50

No, you should not be paying 50% of the bill.
I would be cooking anyway. Teenagers like eating out with their friends, less so with parents, so they probably wouldn't consider eating out to be anything other than just food.
For me though if it's not a pleasant experience and with poor manners and cold atmosphere I would be inclined to encourage a closer relationship between Dad and teenagers by not joining them for lunch and doing my own thing. That way I buy my own food and enjoy a day on my own and I'm not put in the situation where I am forced to pay 50% of the food bill.
Teenagers will feel a bit happier spending time with Dad alone (which is probably what they want) and may actually soften towards you.
My ss was a nightmare as a teenager and I gave him the time alone with his dad (because I got easily upset by him). Now we get along great and he says that he just didn't feel that he fitted in to either his Mums life or here with his Dads life and I was a very easy target for him. He needed that time alone with his Dad and slowly his behaviour improved.

Your partner however will never change in how he sees his children. He sees them as something he has possibly damaged by splitting with their mum and he will be feeling incredibly guilty. The only way he can see to make it up to them is to always support them even in small ways like not allowing you to say anything against them. He will always feel that guilt and you will never be able to help alieve it. You will always be wrong where his children are concerned.

You need to decide is this a sign of some bigger issue and can you live like this knowing he probably won't change?

Butterymuffin · 23/01/2017 19:51

I can see you've got a joint account but are you equal earners and do you pay the same amounts in? That's not fair if he earns more than you (which statistically is more likely than not for a man). You could suggest he should pay in an amount to cover his kids' costs on weekends too if you're using the joint account to finance those things. Though you said you're expected to pay half, so does it come from each of your accounts?

Also, who paid for their meals on his weekends before you and he met? I assume he paid for it all himself..

CommonFramework · 23/01/2017 19:52

My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with.

That's a giant red flag right there. I'd seriously think about the future of this relationship. Is there one? Can you imagine years of this shit?

To answer your question about £,, he sounds tighter than a gnat's arse. Why should you pay for his dc every week?

NotYoda · 23/01/2017 19:53

Good post Odins

MrsDc7 · 23/01/2017 19:53

I treat my stepdaughter as though she is my own. I would never expect my DH to give me money for her if I took her out etc. It seems odd to me that you want to make it you and them rather than be a family