Paying for the stepchildren

[StepMum2Be]

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

Old thread

ZOMBIE

Aaargh!

Must remember to check dates!

Their manners have nothing at all to do with what is a fair financial set up between you and your DP

Are you getting desperate in your old age that you'll settle for being treated with such disrespect and being used as a cash cow?
How do you love a man who thinks you 'deserve' to be treated like this by his kids?
How do you love a man who has ZERO respect for your opinions and feelings?
How do you love a man who tries to dictate your self worth to you?

Healthy relationships thrive on COMMUNICATION.
He REFUSES to communicate on an issue that affects YOU....and you're going to marry him?

You have SEPARATE finances - that means HE pays for costs incurred by HIS children.
So yes - he SHOULD be topping up your joint Spends account to make up the difference that has been spent on his children. Or don't pay for them out of this account.

Not until you JOIN finances should you be EXPECTED to pay towards his kids.
What happens to joint savings and the marital home if/when you do that?
Is he going to expect you to leave your share to HIS kids?
Is he going to ensure that your home ownership/wills are going to be fair on YOU?
What if he dies before you and the kids inherit half the house?
Will you be happy with them moving in/forcing you to sell/evicting you?

Mind you, the kids could move in anytime - are you happy that your views and thoughts on this will be totally irrelevant?
Are you happy that you will always be treated like you don't actually matter unless it's regards money and sex?

Sounds to me like this guy has found a woman to leech off, who will not only share the costs of raising them forever, but will also share the 'parenting' so he doesn't actually have to put much effort in himself.

He doesn't actually give a shiny shit about your views and feelings, doesn't have enough respect for you to DISCUSS parenting issues or issues that are and will affect you.....but he does expect you to keep paying out and putting up.

Some 'man' you have there OP.

What on earth is keeping you in this relationship? And more to the point, why is your partner with you when you obviously show contempt for his children?

Sounds like a nightmare. Splitting the bill on a night out every fortnight is the least of your worries.

Wee small hours Zombie thread. I've got insomnia.

You and your HtB seriously, seriously need to have some pre-marital counseling. It's obvious that the two of you are miles apart when it comes to his children's behaviour and his parenting style. And 'quite a bit' apart when it comes to finances.

Better to get this all out in the open and dealt with before you marry than after. Especially if you plan to have children with this may yourself!

I haven't read all the responses (I know, I know) so this has probably already been said...

What are your responsibilities as a step-parent? Have you at any point reprimanded them or rewarded them for good behaviour? Do they see you as a parental figure? Does your DP side with you if the children and you argue?

My SIL is a step-mother, and she hates it. Her step-child is a spoilt little shit (yes harsh but totally true) and this behaviour isn't helped by her DHH's ineffectual parenting and constant desire to play the Disney Dad. Also not helped by his mother who is mentally unstable (genuinely, she allows the 9 y/o to self-medicate). SIL had to implement "house rules" which her DHH is constantly allowing the child to break. She resents spending money on him and getting no respect from the child (or his father/mother). She feels totally disrespected but as this is her 2nd marriage (and she's late 20's) she's committed to making it work. She keeps saying "I only have to last till the kid is 18". Basically it's a mess. She also says she wished she'd met the kid sooner so she could have known to cut and run.

I think you should have a chat with your DP (obviously). You could preface it about the changes once you're married, making it easier on the kids, they're getting older, etc etc. Mention using his own account when the children are there. There will need to be some compromise such as groceries but outside of that HE should be paying for their activities, not you. You need to talk about this now because what about Uni? Are you expected to help with that? What about a car? Car insurance? What about other special functions? You really really need to figure out what the future looks like to him with respect to the kids, financially, emotionally, and practically. Because if you get divorced, your assets become 50/50 so you definitely want it to be fair from the outset.

He probably hasn't even thought about it.

^ you could at least have read the date though...

@sykadelic well if you actually RTFT your know it's a ZOMBIE THREAD

Very late to this topic but I am in a similar situation. My H2B has a 9 year old who we have EVERY weekend. I have been around since she was 5...

There are going to be really tough times. You will resent them being around. Want to discipline them (I too have a striker upbringing then H2B) and as an adult its possibly harder to share your H2B's attention with his kids then you think!

But...If you are serious about each other then they are there. They are not going anywhere and (sucks) they will always come first.

If you two marry will you merge bank accounts? Certain things i would say it is absolutely not your responsibility to pay for but dinners... You'll end up buying things for their rooms, or clothes, or taking them out alone so why not... Pick your battles :)

I think OP has been taken the wrong way, I'm reading this as H2B is causing most of this problem.
At 13 and 17 children are not always nice, they can come across as unsociable and distant with anyone other than their peers.

My partner isn't my childrens father. But as a rule when he moved in I decided to always back up my partner. Children are notorious for using parents against each other to get what they want. Married or separate. If mum says no I'll ask dad,nan,grandad etc.
so to help my children respect my partners authority within the house if they ask him first and he answers, if they then re-ask me I will stick by my partners decision even if my answer would have been different. I stick by him we are a team. My children have slowly learned that there is no point in asking and they now respect that there are two adults in this house and respect us as a team.

If your H2B cannot discuss and communicate and take on board your feelings/back you up in your opinions of how you can all cohabitate effectively together so that you are more comfortable. How will these children learn to respect you as an authority figure?
If he is effectively keeping you from co-parenting while the children are staying in your family home. Why should you then be expected to financially co-parent?
Loving children that aren't your own doesn't come over night and you shouldn't be expected to especially considering these are pretty much self sufficient at this age and need a lot less parenting than younger children, and you won't get a chance to perform usual bonding experiences like with younger children. But if you can all set and follow rules even as small as common politeness it will help to build respect and that in turn may lead on to more of a relationship when these children become adults.

Talk to your H2B and explain calmly and rationally the difficulty you are having. try not to make it personal or against the children.

I think OP has been taken the wrong way

I think posters need to RTFT and then they might notice it's a ZOMBIE THREAD

How old does a thread have to be to be classified a zombie thread? This is still this year. I would like an update, if the OP wasn't frightened away by all the projection.

Yes split 50/50 especially as they are only there every other weekend. If you want them to feel part of your family, that includes you.

What is a much bigger problem is the fact your DP won't hear criticism and you sound like you are resentful even of chipping in to the pot. It'll never work unless there is some harmony with his kids. Work hard at building up some kind of relationship with them. Treat them yourself with your own money too! Show very clearly you welcome them. If not, why not?

Then after you've begun to build some kind of good feeling, only then introduce one rule about manners. Just one and get your DP on side.

Gradually.

I have 3 kids, my boyfriend has 1.

We all live together and we one family so all monies come out of the one pot. I can't imagine a time either of us would split the bill based 4 and 2.

You should do these kids a favour and walk away.

My DSis is a great stepmum. Her SS was 9 when she married his DF and she now has 2 birth DCs and 1 adopted DS. She was SS's primary career for a number of years and she loves him as much of her own. He's now 20 and married with a DS himself.

A very blended family and a happy one. That's how it should be, I think.

I think you should walk away too. You should view your DP and his DCs as a package. My DSis has worked so hard at building a relationship with her DSS. (Always get that one wtong!)

My partner and I generally take it in turns to pay (we don't cohabit) and he has absolutely no qualms about paying for my teenage son when my son comes to places with us. It's being a family unit. Your situation isn't going to get any better I'm afraid.

So be honest with him. Tell him you don't want to pay for his kids meals and those meals have to be paid using sole funds not joint.