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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the LTB brigade....

228 replies

crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 07:49

I am continually shocked by the amount of time people are told to leave their partners on here. Is it just me that thinks a relationship is hard work and needs to be saved if there is any possibility.

OP posts:
Backt0Black · 30/12/2016 07:51

You've just told a woman on another thread clearly being controlled and manipulated and feeling / being told by DH she has no way out to 'stop point scoring'

I hate back of cornflake packet psychology.

NotStoppedAllDay · 30/12/2016 07:52

I'm continually amazed at how much women accept!

Sorry, but why are we accepting of such Shite in 2017/2016

Backt0Black · 30/12/2016 07:54

Oh because helpful 'in the lunchtime' 'have a go counsellors' like OP here suggest 'people run away at the first sign of trouble'

Unhelpful. Assumptive. Dangerous.

53rdAndBird · 30/12/2016 07:54

Is it just me that thinks a relationship is hard work and needs to be saved if there is any possibility.

No, it's not just you. Plenty of people think like that. Plenty of people, especially women, are putting up with all kinds of shit in their relationships because they think it's supposed to be "hard work", and even a miserable relationship is better than being alone.

Not a great approach, though.

AmberEars · 30/12/2016 07:56

I agree with you that some posters on here are a bit LTB-happy and unforgiving - anyone can make a mistake.

However, I think that society in general encourages women to stay in unhappy relationships for far too long. So I also find it quite refreshing sometimes.

MistressPage · 30/12/2016 07:56

I don't think relationships should be 'hard work' though. I think if it's hard work you're in the wrong one.

donajimena · 30/12/2016 07:56

The thing is, for people to be posting here things have got so bad its not like a row over whose turn it is to put the bins out.
My relationship isn't hard work. Sure, we have our ups and downs but if it ever got so bad that I had to turn to the internet for help it probably shouldn't be saved at any cost.
In fact its how I found mumsnet. My ex was rather horrible so I think I googled 'why is my partner a knob?' Or words to that effect.
I did LTB and its the best thing I ever did.

stitchglitched · 30/12/2016 08:00

I think it's a bit of a myth that posters get told to LTB at the drop of a hat. When I see it advised it is always justified.

gamerwidow · 30/12/2016 08:01

I hate people who encourage women to stay in obviously abusive relationships because they're not trying hard enough. Funny how we're all different ...

xingbake · 30/12/2016 08:01

I suppose it might be true that a relationship that has hit a rocky patch can be salvaged by 'hard work's from both parties. But relationships should not be hard work as a general rule.

Relationships/partnerships should make your life easier, not harder, because otherwise what's the point?

KayTee87 · 30/12/2016 08:02

Relationships shouldn't really be hard work no, they generally should enhance your life. Good people can do stupid things of course but some women put up with far too much.

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon · 30/12/2016 08:10

Women are expected to put up with anything so they 'don't break up the family' . Counselling does not work with abusers. Perhaps if the reasons women are advised to LTB for were more severely punished we would have less dead women.

LotsOfShoes · 30/12/2016 08:10

YABVVU. I am constantly baffled and saddened by the terrible things the women who post here go through. It reminds me of some very unhealthy relationships I had when I was younger and was lucky to escape before it got too serious. You can't make an emotionally abusive man or a mysoginist to suddenly start being kind, loving and selfless. Society constantly tells women to stay in shit relationships because they're "hard work". Fuck that.
I've been with DP for a decade. Our relationship is NOT hard work. Relationships should not be hard work. We've all had rocky patches but the things that make women post here are much more serious than that.

ChuckSnowballs · 30/12/2016 08:12

I think the more people leave bastards the better. And in the longer term it might teach abusive men that women won't put up with their abuse.

Unfortunately - people like you OP come along and make them think they deserve to be abused and hence they stay just that little bit longer.

I hate the 'you need to work harder at accepting your abuse' brigade.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/12/2016 08:17

By the time you've reached my age you've seen this same shit a thousand times.
You can work on your relationship as hard as you like. Unless the respect and will is mutual, you will waste a lot of energy that could have been more usefully spent.

sarahnova69 · 30/12/2016 08:17

I think the more people leave bastards the better.

^That.

I do think there is too little understanding of the dynamics of abuse here, and too much readiness to berate an OP who doesn't walk out the second she realises her relationship is abusive, but I've never seen LTB advised when it wasn't warranted. Never. In general, far far far far far more damage is done by relationships which are stayed in far too long than relationships which are too precipitatively left.

Original poster
crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 08:18

There are actually anudive women out there too! When I say a relationship is hard work obviously I mean a difficult relationship in need of some input rather than just walking out.

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 30/12/2016 08:20

Oh well obviously thats what you meant when you said 'LTB Brigade' and how much you hate them.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 08:21

Hmmm, well I think sometimes there is a LTB response when actually what's been posted seems like an isolated minor incident and something that can be overcome. There is many other times when it's justifiable and the woman should indeed leave.

I think you're going to get flamed, because relationships shouldn't be hard work and no of course it should not be always saved if there is any possibility, many times even though it could be saved the op should leave and fast.

So I think you do have a bit of a point, sometimes leaving isn't the right answer, but the way you've justified it in your second sentence kind of negates it.

xingbake · 30/12/2016 08:21

Can you give an example where a poster has been told to LTB, but you think the relationship could be fixed with some unilateral 'hard work' from the poster?

SpookyPotato · 30/12/2016 08:21

I agree that relationships shouldn't be hard work, they should add to your life. A bit of compromise here and there but not hard work. Too many people on here ARE putting up with too much and sound very unhappy, so LTB is good advice. Sometimes it takes an outside view to see what's happening... It doesn't mean walk out of the door now with no planning, but to work towards it.

donajimena · 30/12/2016 08:24

Of course there are abusive women too. But its women who tend to post here.
As for 'difficult' relationships now that I am in the sanest most drama free relationship I have ever been in I wouldn't even accept a difficult one now. Life's too short.

MagicChicken · 30/12/2016 08:28

On some threads (or sadly not just one thread but an ongoing series of threads from the same OP) I think it's sometimes startlingly clear to everyone but the OP that she should indeed LTB.

Other times I completely agree with you crazydoglady

Some people seem to think that any relationship issues at all should automatically mean a relationship in which there are children should just end. Because it's so much easier and more straightforward to break up the home and the family rather than spend some time communicating with one another in order to work on the problem. Hmm

NotYoda · 30/12/2016 08:28

There's a Brigade?! Is it like the Girls' Brigade? Do we get a uniform and to March places?

PoorYorick · 30/12/2016 08:28

The thing is, they're often right. Can't believe the amount of shite some women put up with.