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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the LTB brigade....

228 replies

crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 07:49

I am continually shocked by the amount of time people are told to leave their partners on here. Is it just me that thinks a relationship is hard work and needs to be saved if there is any possibility.

OP posts:
mycatwantstokillme1 · 30/12/2016 08:28

What ChuckSnowBalls said.

YABVU. I don't give a shit that you hate me as one of the people that scream LTB when it's obviously abuse. I do give a shit that you might be telling someone in great danger of an abusive partner that she should stay and try to make it work and she's then injured or killed. That's not hysteria, given that 2 women a week are killed by a partner or ex. You're an idiot if you think women should just stick with it when they're being treated like shit, and giving that advice out is really dangerous.

abbsisspartacus · 30/12/2016 08:29

Sometimes you need to leave and work on a situation apart before getting back together

happypoobum · 30/12/2016 08:29

I spend most of my time on here with my jaw dropping at some of the appalling shite women (and yes, some men) put up with and accept as a "normal part of marriage."

dingdongthewitchishere · 30/12/2016 08:30

I am shocked by the amount of women in horrible relationships who decide to have a baby to "change" their partner. It's boring.
They don't trust the man, they go through his phone and social media, he's not being faithful and not making any effort to pretend he is, he clearly does not want commitment, does not lift a finger in the house, so the best way to improve your life: have a baby.
Yes, that works out well.

bellasuewow · 30/12/2016 08:31

Crazy do you hate men who abuse as much as you hate the so called ltb brigade? Do you think that men are equally responsible for keeping difficult relationships together or just women? Do you think that women are capable of making up their own minds and some of them are far better off ltb?

ChuckSnowballs · 30/12/2016 08:32

There are actually anudive women out there too! When I say a relationship is hard work obviously I mean a difficult relationship in need of some input rather than just walking out.

Yes there are abusive women too. And their partners are also told to LTB.

Are you qualified to offer this 'input' to these 'difficult' relationships and if so, can you point to some on here that your input would have helped? And what sort of input are you talking about? I am sure if you hate the LTB brigade so much, you will have a plethora of examples for us.

larrygrylls · 30/12/2016 08:33

I think that, if it is just two people, there is no reason to stay together if it is no longer fun. Once children are involved, however, people owe it to them to make a reasonable effort to stay together.

Clearly there is a limit to the above and children would be happier being effectively co parented than with their parents clearly unhappy together.

However, in the absence of violence, leaving should not be a quick decision. Some of the reasons given to leave someone on here are just risible.

DameDeDoubtance · 30/12/2016 08:33

Too many women are in relationships where they are getting a raw deal, either doing far too much wifework or being abused day in, day out. There are a lot of bastards that deserve to be left and a lot of women who deserve to be free from abuse and not to have their hard work taken for granted.

Mn is one of the very few places where a woman will not be told to stand by her man but to strike out for herself.

I understand that that frightens some people as female spaces that prioritise females are so rare.

MaeveMillay · 30/12/2016 08:35

Yes, women should work harder so that the person who they are sharing their life with treats them better.

Original poster
crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 08:35

My cat please don't call people names there is no need. I am not telling anyone who is in danger to stay and risk injury, I am cross about some people being told to leave a partner when he /she is a bit of a pain in the arse or a bit shouty and bossy. It does happen on here and that is no reason to split a family, these people need help to learn some self respect and stand up for themselves not just told to walk out.

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 08:35

I hate the 'shut up and swallow shit' brigade, which you op are clearly the ambassador(?) of.

ColdAsIceCubes · 30/12/2016 08:37

However, in the absence of violence, leaving should not be a quick decision.

So a man can emotionally and financially abuse a woman and as long as he doesn't hit her, she should put up and shut up?

DameDeDoubtance · 30/12/2016 08:38

One persons shouty and bossy is anothers controlling and manipulative.

Why should a woman stay in an unhappy relationship op?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 30/12/2016 08:39

You can work on your relationship as hard as you like. Unless the respect and will is mutual, you will waste a lot of energy that could have been more usefully spent.

Spot on. It's horrifying that there are many women whose self-esteem is so low that they stay with a partner who clearly has no respect for them at all and treats them like dirt. Even more so that they often feel it must be their fault.

(I know there are men in similar relationships, but I'd bet any money that it's far more common the other way round.)

That's no life for anyone, and especially not where children are involved. Far better to get out and make a fresh start, even when it means money difficulties for a time.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/12/2016 08:39

If the abusive man had any self respect he wouldn't need to do it.
You can have as much self respect as you want, that will actually make you a target for some abusive men. They are good at hiding what they really want until they have you 'trapped'.

NotYoda · 30/12/2016 08:39

*birdy8

Now I do not like the sound of that Brigade quite as much. I imagine their uniform would be brown

53rdAndBird · 30/12/2016 08:40

"A bit shouty and bossy" sounds like you're talking about a toddler rather than a grown adult.

NauticalDisaster · 30/12/2016 08:42

YABVU and I hope no woman will ever read your advice and follow it.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 08:44

I hate people who use the word brigade. Grin

OP, I've learnt that people should always be prepared to leave a relationship. Abuse tends to happen or get worse when the abusive partner thinks you're not leaving for any reason.

Now, staying at all cost means that only one partner works on the relationship and the other keeps doing whatever they want. Abusers don't recognise they need to work too, although they may modify their behaviour temporarily so that you don't leave.

As is usually the case with these threads you haven't given and example. How about you disagree on the thread(s) you're thinking about, and give your reasons there?
But then I see that this is a sort of thread about a thread.

I hope you're neither abused nor an abuser.
Sometimes it can be difficult to people in normal relationships to understand what goes on in abusive relationships.
And sometimes it's even more difficult for people in abusive relationships to recognise that's what they are in.

Pay attention to what people are saying in this thread.

treaclesoda · 30/12/2016 08:44

These days the only people I know who believe that women should put up with miserable and abusive marriages are evangelical Christians. Because that's what God has chosen for them and it's not up to them to question his wisdom. Hmm

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 08:46

Op, I suspect you're digging yourself a hole here. A bit shouty and bossy? No one should be shouted at and bossed around. And that's even worse if kids are involved to see a parent being shouted at and bossed around.

For the record for me it's usually the threads where the partner once used porn or went to a lap dancing bar as a one off and there is a ton of people pile in and say leave him, even though the op says everything else is fine, I think that's a bit of a knee jerk reaction and not always the right answer. Some posters then won't let it go and actually hassle the op to leave.

There is also threads like the one where the woman was being anally raped by her husband and the only answer was to leave him.

These are extremes though and there is everything else in between.

DameDeDoubtance · 30/12/2016 08:46

I love that op is willing to forgive a man being unpleasant but a woman Must. Try. Harder.

To be fair that's what society tells us over and over, it's lovely when you realise that you deserve happiness too.

Here's to a bastard free life for all!

PNGirl · 30/12/2016 08:47

Unfortunately if you stand up to someone who is "shouty and bossy" you often find they turn into "pushy and shovy". If one partner doesn't respect the other, that's not up to the partner being disrespected to fix.

PuntasticUsername · 30/12/2016 08:47

"I am cross about some people being told to leave a partner when he /she is a bit of a pain in the arse or a bit shouty and bossy. It does happen on here and that is no reason to split a family, these people need help to learn some self respect and stand up for themselves not just told to walk out."

That's a massive bunch of minimising, victim-blaming unhelpfulness. I think you're really wrong, sorry, but I do.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 08:47

Walking out is standing up for themselves.
It's saying, you've continued to shout so I'm not taking this shit anymore.
Nobody leaves the first time they're shouted at.