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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the LTB brigade....

228 replies

crazydoglady6867 · 30/12/2016 07:49

I am continually shocked by the amount of time people are told to leave their partners on here. Is it just me that thinks a relationship is hard work and needs to be saved if there is any possibility.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/12/2016 11:19

AnUtterIdiot Fri 30-Dec-16 09:35:47
longdiling ah yes, that's what I said in my post, isn't it? "The OP is totally right about the LTB brigade and I hate them too!"

If that's how you usually respond to disagreements to your posts, then it's probably a good thing that you do avoid Relationships, yes.
No OP there needs their thread derailed by overreactions or rants.

AnUtterIdiot · 30/12/2016 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 11:37

You can't really be surprised that you get bad reactions to your bad reactions.
As pointed out at some point in this thread, sometimes it's basically a communication problem when both people are at fault. Wink

You really shouldn't discount Relationships on the basis of a few posters. And you should also recognise your contribution to the problem.

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/12/2016 11:39

Instead of complaining about the "LTB Brigade" how about complaining about the amount of truly shit men and the women they are in relationships with, who don't understand that relationships are meant to be equal partnerships...

If both of you aren't doing at least 50% of the work such as financially contributing, emotionally supporting the family , being domestically competent and looking after your own children than why are you in a relationship?

Or is it just easier for you to present "shouty and bossy" as normal?

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 11:42

Well, women are allowed their own opinion without their OH's input. Are you saying nobody should be allowed to post without the input of the other party?

echt · 30/12/2016 11:47

YABU for saying brigade which implies a level of organisation, which would be OK if it actually existed, like the IRA, but is fucking stupid because it's like, in your head.

dangermouseisace · 30/12/2016 12:11

YABU.

I was advised at what my husband was 'really' up to and to LTB.

I was amazed that people that had never met me managed to see what I couldn't, and spelled it out for me. They were right, and I did. It was hard but definitely 100% the right decision as he is a complete and utter fuckwit.

brasty · 30/12/2016 12:29

No relationships should not be hard work. Life throws lots of shit peoples way anyway. Illness, bereavement, redundancy, in law problems. Your relationship should be your source of happiness and support.

I am amazed at what some women put up with just so they can stay in a relationship.

Christmasmice · 30/12/2016 12:41

I left a relationship because of what I read on mumsnet. I wouldn't have done so otherwise. Because my upbringing had taught me that certain things were normal in a relationship and that the key to managing is compromise and work and suppressing your upset.

I am so glad I left. I say a silent thanks to the people on here on a regular basis. My life is so much better and if I hadn't left, I'd have had years of abuse and being ground down and rather eradicated really.

So thank you to all those yelling at the tops of their voices about what you really shouldn't expect. Thank you for the bluntness and the repeated calls to expect better. My life is my own and I'm looking forward to a fabulous 2017. Flowers

sarahnova69 · 30/12/2016 12:51

I know a nasty woman who divorced her husband because she had all she wanted, nice house in and son but didn't want the trouble of her husband. He was not abusive or nasty, he was not having an affair.

So she should have stayed, even though she clearly didn't love him? That would have been best for everyone, would it?

And a man can be a shit husband and father without being abusive, nasty or having an affair.

EagleIsland · 30/12/2016 12:56

OP I have noticed it too. Some cases it seems warranted, others it's trivial stuff.

The divorce rate in the U.K. Is running at 42% which seems pretty high to me.

SpookyPotato · 30/12/2016 12:59

Lovely outcome christmasmice

EagleIsland · 30/12/2016 13:00

Posted too soon.

A rate that high suggests either there are a lot of abusive people out there or people are not working at there relationships

I agree that your relationship with your OH should be a source of comfort. But nothing in this life is free everything needs some work and nurturing

Aussiemum78 · 30/12/2016 13:01

Yeah it's much better for everyone if that 42% stay and be miserable for their whole lives....

WonderWombat · 30/12/2016 13:02

No relationships should not be hard work. Life throws lots of shit peoples way anyway. Illness, bereavement, redundancy, in law problems. Your relationship should be your source of happiness and support.

That seems a bit romcom to me. In some ways I quite like the traditional vows of 'in sickness, in health etc'. Work problems and health problems and stuff to do with children and wider family - and stuff that's going on out there in the world - all impacts on what happens at home. And for most of us our own upbringing and assumptions can mean that we aren't always easy to live with. Ageing brings the need for adjustments too.

It's a question of whether you can work through the bad patches to get to a better place.

Dowser · 30/12/2016 13:08

If I'd have ltb years ago I would have had many more happy years.
I'm with djsmalls sometimes you can just invest too much of your energy into the relationship while the other person is inv too much of their energy in other relationships

brasty · 30/12/2016 13:12

A bit romcom? I have been married for 25 years. When outside difficulties throw stuff at you, yes it has an impact. You may squabble or be bad tempered, or depressed. But there should not be major issues in your relationship.

My mum always said don't marry someone if you think beforehand, I love them, but if only..... Doesn't mean everything has to be perfect. But anything not perfect should be very minor.

The most important thing for a happy marriage is to choose the right person. Something I learned after being in a previous relationship where I did indeed work at it, rather than LTB.

MysticTwat · 30/12/2016 13:16

Eagles why do you care what the divorce rate is, though?

What is it to you if some people find they are not compatible anymore? Divorce shouldn't just because of abuse or an affair. You know people don't need these reasons to divorce and why should they?

What is it to you, if someone just decides they DON'T want to use their time trying to make something work?

brasty · 30/12/2016 13:25

The average length of marriage is 11.5 years. In the past, many couples would have been widowed by this time.

GingerHollyandIvy · 30/12/2016 13:31

I imagine tech has something to do with it. People are talking and messaging back and forth - available to each other 24 hours a day practically - and that makes the relationship seem much more intense and I think people move into marriage much quicker (although I don't know if that's true - it just seems like it to me). And then of course due to tech stuff, more partners are being found out to be cheating than perhaps were found out before. Harder to hide things, yet easier to find people to cheat with due to social media and such.

Beachcomber · 30/12/2016 13:33

And yes to all the posters saying that women are expected and encouraged to put a lot into staying in relationships with men.

The default position of friends, family, society will be to send a strong message that she should try to make it work. Not that she should carve out some space for herself in which to consider if she wants the relationship or if it is good for her or worthy of her. But that she should try counselling, try a date night, jolly a manchild into tidying up after himself and not sexually harassing or assaulting her.

And that's what is awesome about women supporting each other by saying LTB - they are highlighting that he is the problem and that he is showing patterns of behaviours that are recognized by women as being bad for women but that women are socialized into accepting. There are a lot of these men about - they are a product of our society not just random individuals who coincidently show the same dickish red flag traits.

Thank God for the "LTB brigade" I say. Shame they aren't an actual organised brigade with funding and infrastructure. They could go into schools and teach teenagers about healthy relationships.

brasty · 30/12/2016 13:35

Actually divorce rates are going down generally.
I just think it is easier for people to divorce if they are in unhappy relationships. And if they are in unhappy relationships, they should divorce. I am in my 50s and it was common when I was young to see lots of elderly couples who acted as if they could not stand the sight of each other. Many if they were born 30 years later, would I suspect have divorced. Life is for living, not being stuck in miserable situations for years.

brasty · 30/12/2016 13:36

beachcomber I love the sound of an actual organisation called LTB

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 30/12/2016 13:42

Divorce rates are bound to go down because far fewer people are getting married in the first place. It's only a generation ago that it was scandalous to live together without being married. Now it's the norm and a lot of people find out at that stage that a relationship isn't going to work, so walk away (ideally before they have children).

Also, even after divorce became a lot easier (in the 70s), there was still a stigma for a lot of people. That's not so much the case now (and quite right too).

YouTheCat · 30/12/2016 13:45

If I'm in a brigade I want a hat and a trumpet.

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