Page 3 | To hate the LTB brigade....

DJBaggySmalls · 30/12/2016 08:49

Is it just me that thinks a relationship is hard work No, its you and all the other put upon people.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 30/12/2016 08:49

OP, you talk about difficult relationships needing input.

But the input needs to be from both sides. If it's not mutual effort then it's a waste of time.

And violence is not the only form of abuse, emotional and financial abuse are equally good reasons to leave.

NotYoda · 30/12/2016 08:50

OP

Sorry to take the piss. I see that you are sincere. It seems to me that people tend to post on here when it's the tip of an iceberg, and that posters who've had similar experiences recognise this straightaway.

If you are right, and the advice is not justified, then I think there's really very little risk of them being unduly swayed. The prevailing message in society is to stay, to forgive, to work hard even when the partner is not working hard themselves. Women are far more likely to stay in truly abusive relationships than to leave salvageable ones.

The "Brigade" thing irks me. It makes me think that you think there's some kind of conspiracy. There may be an agenda of women on here; they want to support other women. Talk of brigades is divisive.

NotYoda · 30/12/2016 08:52

And I think other posters may have a point about maybe you being put upon yourself. I would not expect you to answer that. I'd expect for that to maybe upset you a little. But it might be worth thinking about

PoorYorick · 30/12/2016 08:52

There are actually anudive women out there too!

No shit, Sherlock. Now use your amazing powers of deduction to tell us why we will hear more about abusive men on a website whose user base is almost exclusively made of heterosexual women.

GingerHollyandIvy · 30/12/2016 08:52

Stand up for themselves?!? I tried that it didn't work out well. He moved on to the children. Then I had to stand up for myself and the children.

Do you know what it feels like to finally tell someone how bad it is and how desperate you feel? And most women aren't usually telling the full extent of it. They test the waters by telling some of the least offensive stuff first to see if there is support. Much like when I told the GP some of what was happening and I was told "You'll cope. That's what women do." That was it. No support. Nothing. I was floored. I thought if I had the courage to say something I would get some help. It was months before I had the nerve to confide in anyone else. That's what your advice will do to some. So so wrong.

ghostspirit · 30/12/2016 08:53

I'm always very greatful for all the advice and guidance I have had on here. I do sometimes feel the need to explore both sides the leave and the stay/ try work things out. Sometimes I take advice some times not. Sometimes I just need to explore things. If I fuck up then it's my fuck up...but if it's dv or anything like that then she/he needs to leave. I think relationship emotions and minds are pretty complex.

Dontneedausername · 30/12/2016 08:54

What if you just don't want to be with your partner anymore? What if you are miserable although there is no abusive behaviour? Should a person stay "for the kids" and live in unhappiness? Should that person force themselves to work harder in the relationship or just be honest?

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 08:56

Op, there is a valid point being made here, why did you post this? Are you in a relationship with someone who is a pain in the ass and a bit shouty and bossy?

Anniegetyourgun · 30/12/2016 08:57

I'm a proud member of the LTB brigade. I put up with shit for 23 years because I believed in working on it, learning to change my own behaviour so I wouldn't upset him, discussing things with him so he would understand - good things in theory. I can't say I totally wasted those years because I did get some lovely DC out of it. The point is, though, life could and should have been so much better if I had been able to concentrate on living it instead of trying to handle my husband all the time. We should have been pulling in the same direction. When we did it was great, but sooner or later he always went off in another direction. After far too many years I realised he was doing it on purpose. Why, I couldn't tell you; he probably couldn't tell you himself (well, he would, but the explanation would be made up on the spot and make no sense at all). I realised quite early on that he was the kind of man who probably shouldn't have been married at all, but I stuck with it because, well, you know, that's what you do, and he meant well, and then we had children, etc etc. It was only when my mental health suffered big-time that I just had to give up and pull the plug. Sometimes being strong isn't a virtue.

I now make it part of my life's work to let other recipients of domestic abuse and incurable disharmony know that LTB is an option. I'm not going to make them leave if they don't want to or aren't ready to - I can't and I shouldn't. I can only tell them that it is possible and is one thing to consider. Sometimes the abusive partner is pulled up short by seeing their victim can and will leave. When they are abusive by habit/upbringing they may learn to change their ways, but letting them continually get away with it isn't going to make that change happen. When they are abusive by nature then LTB is the only way out. Thing is, bad relationships should end because otherwise children will learn that this is how marriages work and will replicate it in the next generation.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 30/12/2016 09:00

If a relationship is good it shouldn't feel like hard work, should it? People who are hard work often behave badly, throw their weight around, bully, etc, etc.

A good relationship comes easy, doesn't it? Or was I just lucky? Leaving should be a last resort but I don't believe that people should continue to put up with bad behaviour for the sake of it - it's unhealthy and unhappy, not a good way to live your life.

HerOtherHalf · 30/12/2016 09:03

I think when it comes to abuse there can never be too many LTBs. I've witnessed a lot of abusive relationships in my time. The damage they do to the victim's mental wellbeing is sickening. One thing I have learned is that abusers never wake up one day and decide to reform, they just get progressively worse. So if a victim of DA has reached out for support, either here or elsewhere, there is only one piece of advice I think makes sense and it sure as hell isn't "stick with it, it'll get better".

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 30/12/2016 09:03

There's nothing wrong about being in the LTB "brigade", BUT everybody has to get there on their own.

I understand that posters who have done it as left abusive relationships are proud and can be evangelical about it, but I do think that puts unnecessary pressure on some OPs.

ghostspirit · 30/12/2016 09:04

I don't know if a relationship should always be easy. I guess sometimes there will be bad patches that may need some work?

Lweji · 30/12/2016 09:06

Women in abusive relationships often feel they are strong because they do stand up for themselves, they manage the relationship, the moods, etc.
The problem is when they feel like walking away is giving up, it's being weak. Well, it isn't. It takes a strong person to say enough is enough.

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 09:07

I would rather a 100 posts saying LTB than 1 saying put up with it. Some women don't realise LTB is even an option. Women need to know they have options so that staying in bad abusive relationships is not the only one.

You cannot control the actions and behaviour of others yet women are constantly told to put more effort in/try harder to make him happy/don't nag/give him space when they are not the ones causing the problems. It makes the abuse they are receiving their fault by implying they can change the others persons behaviour.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/12/2016 09:07

I don't mind it, truly happy people won't leave because MN told them to but many unhappy people will stay if not told there is actually an alternative.

It's the constant diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder for everyone who is selfish or annoying that pisses me off.

Lweji · 30/12/2016 09:08

ghostspirit

Not always easy, but if both work at it, then it shouldn't be so hard. They should find ways of making it easier for both.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/12/2016 09:09

And my relationship isn't hard work. Of course he winds me up sometimes and vice versa, but it's not hard work. Is it supposed to be?

BertieBotts · 30/12/2016 09:10

Relationships should not be saved by default. That doesn't need to be the automatic position.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 30/12/2016 09:10

My ex wasn't that shouty, definitely not violent or physically abusive.

Instead he advertised himself on sex sites for hook ups. Was caught, we tried to work it out, I forgave him.

Then he did it again...

And again...

So, I didn't LTB. Even though, I posted on here under a different name the second time he did it, and everyone told me on that post to leave (maybe not permanently, but for headspace)

I believed that I should work at the problems, give him a chance, find out the reasons...understand...forgive...keep the family together, I'd commuted to marriage and failure wasn't an option.

The stress nearly killed me. On Top of working a 60 hour week, juggle being a mother, etc I had to come home to fear, dread, mistrust, sadness...

Afraid to go on the internet in case I find something. Afraid not to in case I was being mugged off. Sick every time he took his phone to the toilet...

I developed a chronic fatigue illness and spent 6 months in bed. I'm on anti depressants and blood pressure tablets. I gained weight, lost my self esteem. My son suffered.

I can categorically state that while I'd have been in incredible stress if I had left, with only my own self to trust and live with I'd have been much better off alone, it wouldn't have been a 10th of what I went through.

He abused every fucking chance I gave him, laughed and pretended to change.

I am evangelical about it. LTB. Maybe not permanently, but to draw a line and say, "you know what? I'm not taking that shit"

longdiling · 30/12/2016 09:10

You couldn't be more wrong op. I have rarely seen 'ltb' being used incorrectly on here. My God the shit that some women are putting up with in their marriages - not being allowed access to any money while their darling husbands treat themselves to expensive gadgets, being called a 'cunt' or told they're fat and harassing them for eating too much. Being pressured into sex they don't want and punished with sulking when they won't comply.

I've seen the effects first hand of what happens when a woman desperately tries to work on a relationship with an unutterable bastard, it destroys them and their children.

More women should leave the bastards, they really should. They should have high standards when it comes to relationships and their own happiness. I will not be teaching my kids to endure in unhappy marriages, I will absolutely support their right to leave if they want.

mycatwantstokillme1 · 30/12/2016 09:11

OP, the 1950's are calling, they want you back.

ghostspirit · 30/12/2016 09:11

Oh yes defo both people need to do work. Never ever one side

TweedleDee3TweedleDum · 30/12/2016 09:13

Relationships do involve compromise and, at times this can make a relationship difficult. That said, no one should ever have to compromise on their safety and wellbeing.