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Original poster

To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

241 replies

BoopTheSnoot · 20/11/2016 21:33

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

OP posts:
Original poster
BoopTheSnoot · 20/11/2016 21:34

*things I wish I'd said, rather Grin

OP posts:
Thattimeofyearagain · 20/11/2016 21:37

Not me, colleague to boss who had been listening in to a private conversation during lunchtime Boss " I've got the ears of a bat" without missing a bead, colleague" and the face to match" Grin

nocoolnamesleft · 20/11/2016 21:40

One morning, my car wouldn't start. I got a taxi into work, then on the way back phoned ahead to get GreenFlag out. The man who came told me it was a flat battery and why hadn't I tried jump starting it. I pointed out that there was more to it than a flat battery (as I'd taken it for a long drive the day before, and not left any lights on), and that I couldn't jump start it as I didn't have access to a second car. He got increasingly patronising about how "lots of girlies don't know how to jump start cars". So I'm afraid that I switched back into work mode, and told him that I could jump start people, I thought I could figure out a car. Which shut him up. Oh, and there was more wrong than a flat battery.

Idiot.

80schild · 20/11/2016 21:44

This should be a good thread. Watching.

MrsHam13 · 20/11/2016 21:50

When I was 14/15 and was working as a waitress the chef absolutely screamed at me "you should of been watching that" cause a new girl had went to go out the kitchen holding a soup bowl without a plate under out.

I took the cheese board I was handed by the commis chef, got to table and looked down and there was no cheese on it. About turned and went straight back to the kitchen, handed it to the chef and said 'there's no cheese on that cheese board.....you should of been watching that!" Her jaw dropped and I about turned and walked out the kitchen haha. She apologised at the end of service and never screamed at me again.

I still laugh when I picture her face and the moment of confusion, shock and then admiration all pass over it.

mumonashoestring · 20/11/2016 21:56

I had an absolute imbecile on a train, when I was about 6 months pregnant, yattering on at me for ages and, when I didn't seem fascinated enough by his unending bollocks, started in on a detailed critique of my appearance culminating in 'and why are you so FAT?'.

Angry "I ate the last cheeky cunt who was that rude to me..."

Original poster
BoopTheSnoot · 20/11/2016 21:58

mumonashoestring good for you!

OP posts:
troubleinstore · 20/11/2016 21:59

Not quite a retort but horrible shop assistant in a well known department store, tutting, rolling eyes, sighing and obviously having a bad day.
My friend after purchasing quite a large amount of stuff stopped her, at the end of the transaction, stared her in the face and inquisitively said 'Do you enjoy your job?' pan faced as anything.
I still remember it and use it lots - it works well for the next person in line.

QueenMortificado · 20/11/2016 22:00

So I'm afraid that I switched back into work mode, and told him that I could jump start people, I thought I could figure out a car.

I don't understand this, what does it mean to jump start a person? I've never heard this phrase before?

loveulotslikejellytots · 20/11/2016 22:01

I thought it meant they were a Dr using a defibrillator?

JellyBelli · 20/11/2016 22:03

QueenMortificado
So I'm afraid that I switched back into work mode, and told him that I could jump start people

Its when the paramedics restart your heart with a defibrillator and paddles.

iklboo · 20/11/2016 22:03

Ex-p's older sister. We'd never really got on -no idea why but she just decided she hated me. Ex-p went out with her and her mates for her birthday. I wasn't invited.

Next time I saw her she came up, surrounded by her mates, with a smug look in her face. 'You know he spent all night getting off with a really fat ugly bird.He fucked her behind the pub'

I don't know where it came from but I said 'Really? I though incest was illegal' and walked off.

1hamwich4 · 20/11/2016 22:04

I read it as nocoolnamesleft is actually Dr nocoolnamesleft

QueenMortificado · 20/11/2016 22:07

Thanks Jelly and Jelli, that makes sense!!

Graphista · 20/11/2016 22:08

Place marking

There should be a word for that feeling when you think of the perfect riposte hours years with ex later and kick yourself!

Bluesrunthegame · 20/11/2016 22:15

I only know the French expression, l'esprit d'escalier, something like the spirit of the stairs, when you only think of the right thing to say when you're on the stairs and the moment has long passed.

OhHolyFuck · 20/11/2016 22:16

The French have a term for it don't they? L'esprit de l'escalier it is (having googled!) meaning 'wit of the staircase', essentially thinking of the perfect reply too late when you're on the way out

TrickyD · 20/11/2016 22:25

Years ago, I was on a train which did not stop at most of the stations on its route. It made an unscheduled stop at a station which was far more convenient for me than its official destination.
So I got off.
Railway worker shouted "You can't get off, the train doesn't stop here" .
I replied. "If it doesn't stop, I haven't got off" and headed for the exit.

NonnoMum · 20/11/2016 22:27

Not mine but my dear old dad's... He was with my now DH on his Stag Night and they were in a comedy club. Dad, being somewhat older and not the usual clientele for a boozy stand up was obviously picked on by the Stand Up (he was wearing a panama hat, for goodness sake - you're going to be picked on wearing that - think man from Del Monte). Anyways, Stand Up was trying to rile my dad and was trying to engage him in conversation...
Stand up, "So, Alan, are you still working..?"
Dad (Alan - obs): " Yes. Are you?"
Brought the house down.

ConvincingLiar · 20/11/2016 22:28

Today 21:56 mumonashoestring
Brilliant!

trevortrevorslatterfry · 20/11/2016 22:29

.

CoolCarrie · 20/11/2016 22:31

My comeback was actions not words. I worked as a barmaid in a busy local bar whilst studying. The same faces were there most weekends, most were great, some were smart arses. One night I was emptying ash trays into a bucket, when one of the smart arse guys said " Hey bitch give me a blow job!" my answer was to empty the almost full bucket over his head.
He was stunned and his mates though it was great. ( my boss was cool about it, he thought the guy was a knob too) The guy did apologise later on. I didn't !

SaltyBitch · 20/11/2016 22:32

Shameless place mark for what is bound to be a cracking thread.

LOVE the incest one!

Nishky · 20/11/2016 22:34

When an ex finally admitted he had cheated I blurted out ' well I don't understand how you could want anyone else when you could have ME'

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 20/11/2016 22:35

MIL: Girls are whingey
Me: speak for yourself