To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

The only time I have ever come up with a witty come back I was 18 and working in a restaurant I went into the kitchen and asked for a brown dish, sleezy assistant manager says 'will I do?' (along with a one hand on head, one hand on hip pose) I said 'no, you're too pale and you're not dishy enough'

Sorry I've not read all of the replies but once in a bar I was chatting to a bit of a sleazy guy. He leaned over and whispered in my ear 'You're gorgeous. Will you have my children?' I whispered back 'depends..how many have you got?'

Brentlicious

Superb comeback!

My first job was as a live-in nanny in London, many miles from home. Had a mean bitchy boss who I had promised to stay with for a year. Once the year was up I told her I was looking for a new job. After a few weeks she asked bitchily if I had found a new nanny post yet as she needed to know. I was able to tell her that I was choosing between 2 jobs, one in a top children's hospital & one as a nursery officer, both with accommodation. She rang me up some months later to ask her to help out with a weeknd away, you can guess what my answer was! (I also heard that she had a succession of nannies after me., no one stayed!)

Oh I was terrible when I was younger, I just couldn't hold my tongue when someone started, so many, but one that sticks out-

I was 18 and out at a bar for a workmates birthday. I had been waiting to be served for ages and eventually, getting our drinks, escaped the throngs of people only to be accosted by this guy about my age, surrounded by his mates, very slimy and leering all over me.

He said "oh you have eyes like screwdrivers!" I am looking at him like wtf? Didn't even answer. He says "everytime you look at me my nuts tighten!" Followed by cackles of immature laughter from he and his pals. I said instantly "Your fucking nuts will tighten alright once I kick them in for you, you filthy arsehole". Then swished off like a total diva. Unfortunately the bar was so full my mates missed it :(

See LikeBigBots the worst bit for me about that story is that you'd never use a screwdriver to tighten a nut. So his stupid chat up line doesn't even make sense!

An ex was making an attempt to put me down. I said 'stop trying to be bitchy, you're no good at it' he said 'ouch' and shut up

beccabanana "One of my parents friends was a lovely elderly lady with her wits fully about her (sadly passed away now). She was extremely wealthy and came from real old money. She drove an old battered landrover Defender and was parking it into a tight space and struggling, when 2 lads in some boyracer hatchback zipped in and stole the parking space. They got out of the car and shouted 'that's what you can do when you can park'. At which point she drove her old Defender right into the lads car, wound her window down and said 'yes my dear, and that's what you can do when you have money!'!!
I still remember her telling us that one - classic!"

That.Is.Awesome. (yes I know, illegal and antisocial blah blah but totally awesome!)

Queen. I know! We puzzled over that for ages like who tightens a nut with a screwdriver. The sort of stuff you get off these people who think they are being funny in front of their mates.

Yep, Queen - now, If he'd said "eyes like spanners . . . "

Love it Jenny tho v naughty obvs...
I had an exdp ranting on about his taste in music being better than mine, his friend asked me what I thought, I said his head is so far up his backside I'm surprised he can hear it...

Hilarious thread.

Was working as a secretary for a very stroppy banker, who told me an expenses claim I'd done for her was a penny out, and to redo it. I reached into my purse, took out a penny, handed it to her and said 'my time's worth more than that'. She didn't take the penny, signed off her expense claim, and never gave me any more trouble.

Bumped into an ex-bf who told me that his new gf was about to give birth. How do you feel about that, he asked. Glad it's not me, I said.

I did bar work for a while. It's amazing how you can go off men when you have to put up with them in an environment like that.

At the end of a lock in one night I was cleaning the bar when one guy came up, pulled his dick out and slapped it on the bar. Quick as a flash I sprayed it with Mr Sheen and asked him if he wanted a cloth to polish his knob.

Another really sexist old git of a customer was getting a lager for his wife. I asked if he wanted a pint. He was taken aback and snootily said his wife was a lady and wouldn't drink pints. Two minutes later his daughter walked in and asked for a pint

To echo a pp, why do so many men get their dicks out in public? Weird.

Blimey there seem to be an awful lot of people literally falling off chairs with laughter on this thread.

I've got loads but two stand out. First was last day of summer term with my 2dd's, I had to pop to the supermarket. Eldest dd has HF autism, and unless you know her she comes across very neurotypical just young and quiet. I misjudged how hard a day she'd had and she had a very rare public meltdown at the till point when our shop was going through. I can't stop her when she gets like this and if id have touched her to try and move her she would have flipped so I just asked the till person to do it quickly if she could please whilst my 7 year old hit my arm, told me she hated me and cried. Lady behind me muttered to who she was with that 'that child needs a good hiding' to which I managed to calmly (albeit with tears burning at my eyes) turn and say to her 'I'd have more chance of being able to hit the ignorance out of you then I would the disability out of my child'. She went cats bum faced and said she didn't know. Lady on till was lovely, packed my shopping and asked if there was anything she could do. I rang the manager to ask him to thank her properly when I got home.

Other one age 19 started a new job at a hotel. It was a young team. My friend already worked there. I'd met a couple of the deputy managers & supervisors on nights out. The guy doing the hiring had told the other supervisors/trainee manager that I was a bit of alright (blonde, slim, big boobed-I miss being 19!). Banter between the blokes in the office ensued during which hiring guy said 'when she starts working I'll have her making me cups of tea and when I ask her she'll bounce up and down saying yes mr X, no mr X, 3 bags full mr x'. My friend obviously told me this and we had a laugh at how young and silly they were (actually a couple of years older than us but we were more streetwise).
My first day and hiring guy takes me through the induction. We get up at the end and walk through the bar to the lounge/reception area and guy says 'so do you have anything to ask me?'....
'erm...no' I reply before following it with 'oo just one thing actually...I don't make cups of tea, did you want me to bounce up and down saying yes mr X, no mr X, three bags full mr X when you I do anything else here?' The poor guy went a scary shade of crimson before stuttering 'she told you? I'm so sorry it was a joke' to which I replied whilst smiling sweetly that of course she did, I just merely wanted to clear up the confusion about the cups of tea. It certainly broke the ice with the team

He actually turned out to be a lovely guy too-I'm actually married to him now.

I worked in a school with only a few staff lockers, and always a waiting list for them. An unpopular teacher walked into the packed staff room as a teaching assistant was opening her locker. "So why does a teaching assistant get a locker when a teacher has to do without?" she demanded in front of everyone. "Because people like me, love" was the reply.

why do so many men get their dicks out in public
flashers do it because it gives them a thrill, I presume?
suspect some of them also enjoy the reaction even if it is some kind of 'that looks like a penis only smaller' type of response'

My dad did a great one, many years ago. We were staying a couple of nights at a Disney hotel in Florida - we'd been staying at a friend's flat and had decided to do a short trip to DisneyWorld so had been stuck with whatever rooms we could get. Mum and Dad's room happened to be by the elevator which meant they'd got very little sleep as you could hear it go by every time it was used - a lot in a big hotel.

Dad had been down to reception to ask if they could move their room as they hadn't slept. The girl on reception had been really chirpy but said no, there weren't any rooms and that nobody else complained about the noise, implying dad must have been imagining it. As he walked away, she called after him 'Have a nice day' to which he replied 'that'll be bloody difficult'.

We got back to the hotel that evening to discover that not only had they been moved - at no extra charge - to a very nice suite, there was a very large gift hamper in the corner for us with lots of wine, chocolate and other goodies in to apologise for the bad night previously... Turns out there had been a problem with said elevator making it very noisy, which it wasn't usually but had been the night before and it was then out of service for the next couple of days while they fixed it.

I had one a few years back when I rang up to enquire about doing an MBA at the OU. Spoke to somebody male there who was very dismissive of my enquiry, spoke to me like I was an idiot, spent quite a while mansplaining how difficult it was to do post grad studies, how I needed to be older, have specific experience and be a male and that he thought I'd encounter lot of problems. Took great pleasure in waiting to hear him out, then replying that as I had already got one post grad degree I knew that I was more than capable of doing another, plus I had considerable experience as I was working at a consultancy so getting exposed to - and already working very successfully on - lots of top level problems and projects, having already done a big research project that had resulted in an overhaul of processes that had saved £££ and would save considerably more plus have a much higher success rate than previously...

There was a stunned silence at the other end of the phone and he then asked for my address to send the prospectus to . Didn't end up doing the MBA but that idiot certainly didn't make me want to do it!

Ha, love these! Best one I heard somewhere, and have always wanted to use is:

Man chatting up girl and trying to show off about how he looks young for his age - "Bet you didn't realise, I don't look 40, do I?"

She replies "No!! But I bet you did when you were....."

Great put down! Though to be fair you could reverse the genders for that one (or use it for any two people, could just be someone showing off to their mates).

Wandering classic, see this is the stuff I would love to come out with, very classy but mines seem to be more offended and mouthy, cheeky bint :D.

6th form common room yonks ago. Boy who took pleasure in picking on me n my friends making personal remarks. He picked on one of the least able to defend herself girls and I just had enough. "Ooo X. Bet you feel soo big now picking on poor Y!" Top of my lungs. Everyone stopped. He went red and left. Just wish I'd done it ages ago. Could've avoided years of nastiness

I was walking into town past a carpark where the cars were queuing to park. One inconsiderate git deliberately drove so close to the car in front that pedestrians couldn't walk through between the cars, so had to detour round the back of his car and walk on the road to get past.
Instead I just hopped up and walked on the front of his bumper to get by. He was livid, and jumped out of his car, but I was already gone.

My only good put down that was not in the spirit of stairs was in a street in Covent Garden when a group of lads passed by me. One of them looked at me appraisingly and said "Eight". I stopped, rather shocked. I looked him up and down very pointedly and replied "Four" and then walked on to the sound of his mates laughing at him.

My parents ran a business from home. Both answered the phone but occasionally when it was my mum someone would ask to speak to her manager / supervisor / boss - her response was always that no supervisor was available but ) one of the company directors could take his (it was always a he) call.

Then she would wait for the penny to drop.