To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

sashh, that reminds me of one: I used to work in an independent shop, owned and run by a woman (we'll call her Ms X), and several times had suppliers/utility providers etc phoning up asking to speak to Mr X. My reply was 'well if it's Mr X you'd like to speak to I can certainly try to get him to call you back, although I'm not sure what the proprietor's father can do to help you'. Seriously, is it so hard to check the gender of the person you want to speak to, or at least to use neutral terms, instead of assuming that business owner = man?

I have one - when we were getting our new oven installed (electric), the electricians connected it up etc. When it was done one of them said that it looked complicated to use and told me 'You'll need a degree to work this!' to which I replied 'Well I have one in Electronic Engineering, do you think that will do?'. Cue silence and a quick exit!

Standing in a burger queue in my teens .... drunk guy in front of me turns around and says "I wish my cock was as big as your nose", to which I quickly replied "and I wish my tits were as big as your mouth!" - it's the only quick one liner I've ever come out with unfortunately, that's why I remember it so well!!!

These are just brilliant, why can't I be so quick off the mark?
And why do men think it's such a great idea to get their bits out in public? Dirty sods.

I am overweight and I was walking up the hill where I live and a bunch of schoolboys came by. One of them looked at me and said in a sarcastic voice with a definite edge to it " excuse me – are you pregnant?" Well hardly, I am in my 60s . So I said to him " no, I'm fucking fat. And?" His friends all pissed themselves laughing and he went a bit red. I do have a knack of thinking what to say back immediately and if need be, a tongue like a venomous fang. E.g. - trumpet player who is petulant and spiteful, particularly towards me as I have a habit of already knowing a new tune he brings to the band rehearsal. This drives him mad as he is a sexist twat and no woman should know more than he does. He snapped at me once " is there ANYTHING you don't know? " To which I replied , "Yes, Ken - I don't know why you are like a London Fog – thick and nasty."

I had forgotten the last bitch. Some of the schoolboys have been amused , and stayed behind to chat to me for a bit I thought I would make a joke on myself when they asked me if the encounter had upset me . I said it hadn't and in any case "nothing much upsets me" then I paused it a little and finished with " unless somebody tells me that they have eaten all the pies!" All of us laughed like drains .

Last BIT (bloody speech to text)

What did I taste like? To OW telling me the gory details about her and ex dp. I went home and cried after but I still think that was one of my finer moments since I'm usually really slow with the come backs.

Overheard in a college staffroom. Female Lecturer A had started an affair with a student of hers who had recently left. Female Lecturer B had turned up work wearing a very short skirt (it was a hot day with not many students about).

A: I think what you're wearing is unprofessional.
B: But not as unprofessional as shagging a student.

Stunned silence - not everyone knew of the affair. They did now.

Mine from many years ago. As a student working in a supermarket during my summer holiday. Patronising old git asked who he should make the cheque out to (I said it was a long time ago).

"Supermarket Name PLC", I said.
"Do you know what PLC stands for?" asked POG.
"Yes, I'm doing a degree in economics".

chemical the one about shagging a student was both shocking and hilarious! Talk about people in glass houses.

Creep staring at my chest and said, "Nine." I said, "So are you, if I'm speaking German."

.

Someone in work wanted me to go and do something he could do himself but couldn't be arsed - I turned to him without missing a beat and said ''Are your legs broken?'' He said ''Um no'' So I just smiled and replied, ''You'll be fine doing it yourself then.''

I wanted to hair flip and walk away so bad.

My useless and irritating boss was musing aloud how best to get to her ( non work related) meeting.
She said "Underground? Overground?"
I yelled "Wombling free".

I worked with girl who made my life hell she ignored me constantly while working in fairly close quarters behind a bar would make snide comments spread rumers the works...
On my last but one day she put in a formal disiplinary about me, my manager pulled me and her into the office and asked what I had to say about my apparent "attitude porblems" toward miss soapbox!
My response...... "I'd rather have an attitude problem than her nose"
Left there and then didn't finish my shift or go back for the last bridge throughly burnt!