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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

241 replies

BoopTheSnoot · 20/11/2016 21:33

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

OP posts:

tararabumdeay · 21/11/2016 01:19

Please remind me which finishing school of charm and diplomacy you attended.

torthecatlady · 21/11/2016 01:22

Love this thread!

MimiLeBonk · 21/11/2016 01:44

Hoppinggreen - I love your Mum!

MonkeyPoozzled76 · 21/11/2016 02:16

Years ago, working being a bar, one of the drunken locals decided I needed to see his penis.

He decided to stand on the foot rail and flop it out right onto the bar in my face.

Reflex reaction from me, I picked up a huge Guinness ashtray and swotted it in a 'wack the rat' style. Not exactly a verbal comeback but he never did it again! Filthy begger.

MidniteScribbler · 21/11/2016 03:02

I went to the tip and had a trailer full of rubbish on the car. Got there and the attendant directed me to reverse it in to a particular spot. Old mate standing next to his car in the next sport says to me "need me to reverse that for you, love?" "No," says I. "You might not be able to make it, especially considering you believe this (holds up finger and thumb close together) is six inches." Attendant laughed so hard he falls into the pit!

I also officiate for dog shows. One lady was a real snotty cow, never had her dogs ready on time, would have a hissy fit if she didn't win. One day I was waiting (again!) for her to get her dogs organised. She yells out to me 'hey you, steward, which one do you want?" I yell back "I need the bitch in the ring, and she might want to show exhibit 316 while she's in there."

A guy at a pub: "You know, that a woman once told me that her life changed when I was between her legs." Me: "Awww, your mum sounds so sweet."

tighterthanscrooge · 21/11/2016 03:24

When I was on summer holidays from uni I came downstairs at my mums to find her in the garden with her friends.
It was mid afternoon and I'd only just got up and was a bit blurry eyed
One friend said 'tight you've been in bed all day why don't you get a job' to which I replied 'I got home two hours ago after working an 18 hour shift in a pub, will that do you?' My mum and all her friends just sat there and clapped

Graphista · 21/11/2016 04:23

Ah I did do one not so much witty as well timed.

Had been happily working in a retail job in a small corner shop, crap wages but the staff all good people then we got a new boss who changed stuff just for the sake of it (including people's shifts which for some meant they could literally no longer do the job), was always negative and on several occasions just plain nasty. As a result half the stuff walked out in 3 months.

I'd been looking for another job anyway, the day I had my notice on me to hand in, the regional manager was visiting (likely wondering why the hell all the staff were leaving).

I went to the back office to hand in my notice and she's sweetness and light, total personality change and says something along the lines of 'we're sorry to lose you but I can understand you leaving for a job that's in your field and better pay and conditions'

My response

'You and I both know why I'm REALLY leaving'.

I heard she was sacked a month later, not only losing staff but word got out and so she couldn't hire anyone either.

BeingATinselTwatItsABingThing · 21/11/2016 04:48

I've had twats builders holler at me as I walk passed. "Oi love! I'd so do you!" "You know, my police officer fiancé might have an issue with that. Which company is it you work for again? In case he asks..."

This one wasn't me but someone my DP spoke to at work. He was taking their statement after someone had flashed them. He asked them to recall what had happened:

"Well, I'd just been walking down the path when this man jumped out on me and flashed me."

"And what did you do?"

"I said that I had forgotten my scoreboard but I'd give him a 3/10."

DP was apparently laughing so hard he had to pause the interview for a few minutes.

sashh · 21/11/2016 06:17

Not great but I was only nine.

My mum shouted that she wouldn't tolerate something because 'it's MY house'. I replied, 'It might be your house, but it is my home'

My first proper job was at an electrical wholesalers, I was 18 and looked 15. One of the electricians always had some banter usually in my bosses office, one day I'd gone tot he trade counter for something and he was there, so were a load of electricians.

Sashh, he says, do you want to see my willy? and starts to unzip his flies, I repsonded with 'no thanks, I left my microscope at home today'

OldBooks · 21/11/2016 06:31

For background DM has many narcissist traits and she and DF have had a rocky marriage.

DP are visiting us. DH and I have a conversation, DH leaves the room so DF and I are alone. DF comments on the conversation along lines of DM would have had totally different reaction to the one I had.

I reply "well, when it comes to my marriage I think 'what would DM do?' Then I do the opposite'.

joellevandyne · 21/11/2016 07:08

Guy cracking on to me at a bar. Bald as Kojak.

Him: I like your red hair. Is it natural?
Me: No.
Him: Oh. Well, it's still nice.
Me: You can drop the PUA negging bullshit, it doesn't work on me.
Him: I'm not negging you.
Me: I see you know what the word negging means.
My friend: What does negging mean?
Me: It's when you give a compliment that's also an insult. Like... [turning to douchebag and affecting a girly voice] Ooh, you've shaved your head! I love it when a guy's not afraid to tell the world he's prematurely bald!

WellErrr · 21/11/2016 07:12

A friend of mine with a very overbearing MIL snapped one day and told her

'I really wish you'd stop telling me how to raise children, June. Don't forget, I live with one of yours and he needed a LOT of improvement.'

WellErrr · 21/11/2016 07:14

I'm a bit sad at how many of these are basically women having to think up comebacks to sexual assault.

Shakey15000 · 21/11/2016 07:25

Placemarking but a good one that fits a lot of situations is-

"I could agree with you. But then we'd both be wrong..."

LadyCallandraDaviot · 21/11/2016 07:34

Another barmaid one.......Guys at the bar telling loads of sexist jokes, making comments about female staff and customers etc, kept calling me over to tell me something else crap, so I remembered a joke I had been told by an older female colleague 'What's the difference between a barmaid and a gynaecologist?' 'A gynaecologist only has to look at one c* t a time!'

It took them a while to process what I had just called them!

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2016 07:44

I blocked a car while waiting literally 20 seconds for a parking space.
The driver pulled up alongside me and started to yell at me for making him late.
I replied that if waiting for 20 seconds made him late he really needed to look at his time management skills and if he was in such a rush shouldn't he be getting along..

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 21/11/2016 07:47

My fil has a habit of taking over the conversation to the point that hes talking at you and goes on and on its very annoying , he will also but in to conversations with other people and take over so nobody can get a word in , his opinion is fact and nobody else is allowed an opinion , one occasion mil asked me how something went with my ds and i started talking only for fil to but in saying how i was wrong so i said mil why dont you ask fil how it went because he obviously knows about what goes on in my own life better than i do , go on fil tell her as i know nothing both were absolutely gobsmacked

Original poster

BoopTheSnoot · 21/11/2016 08:11

I'm sat full on snorting to myself over these! It's so satisfying to imagine the look on the other person's face

OP posts:

RoseGoldHippie · 21/11/2016 08:24

You are being totally UNREASONABLE!!!

But only because this question reminds me that I only think of a good comeback after the person who deserves it has walked off hahahahahaha!!

Original poster

BoopTheSnoot · 21/11/2016 08:30

RoseGold I'm the same, it's so frustrating

OP posts:

RoseGoldHippie · 21/11/2016 08:32

Boopthesnoop yes it is!! I could kick myself sometimes!

nixnjj · 21/11/2016 08:35

To the mother of bully. You should spend less time breeding and more time parenting..... Single mother of nine by various fathers... How teacher remained professional was a wonder to watch. It was the 4th child at the school and all off them had been in front of him for bullying at some point.

nixnjj · 21/11/2016 08:36

Of not off

Sosidges · 21/11/2016 08:44

My mother had a nasty mouth but I could never stand up to her. One day my cousin was visiting. She was the mother of two small children and was telling me aboutsome volunteering work she was doing. It was visiting lonely old people in their own homes.My mother,

"Oh if I was old and lonely, the last thing I would want is some interfering busy-body visiting me".

My cousin did not rise to the bait, but then Mother said, "Anyway I like to paid for what I do""

Straight away my cousin said

"Paying for spite and venom, that'd be a first"

Nothavingfunrightnow · 21/11/2016 08:51

Silent "W" in anchor! WAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

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