To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

Out with Dh and met up with one of his friends, more a drinking buddy (he doesn't see him anymore). Friend is an arse, sexist, cheats on his wife, tells off colour jokes, generally a bore.

I went out for a fag and when I came back I said, oh, somebody wants you outside.

Who? he says.

Everyone in here, I replied.

He wasn't impressed.

An ex-boyfriend that had treated me like absolute shit for 4 years in my late teens and early twenties, came to me out of the blue, explained his regret bla bla bla and asked me to marry him! Best come back ever - "No."

I'm not good at put downs. I like asking questions, though. I particularly enjoy this when people who are non-experts get up and pompously (and often hypocritically) spout forth on issues they barely understand.

e.g. CEO of a major law firm comes to the RG university and gives a big ole didactic talk about how important 'diversity' is for the business future, how a global client base requires a global lawyer base etc.

Me in Q&A, with mic in front of assembled crowd: "You're talked a lot about the great value your business places on diversity, which is so encouraging to hear. Can you therefore explain why your global board is comprised entirely of white, middle aged men?"

(Lighthearted) husband jokes from time to time about us having a threesome. I just sigh and said look when u figure out how to satisfy one woman we can talk about introducing another!

Puglife1 I have a pregnancy related one too. Early stages of pregnancy, suffering with HG and low blood pressure. Felt really faint in a hardware shop of all places. It was a small family run place, and the owners got me a tin of paint to sit on and a cup of water. I was perched there, trying hard not to throw up, and some older man says in a patronising tone, "Feeling a bit tired are we? Need a rest, do we?". I came straight back with "You do if you're four months pregnant." His face was a picture, and he shut up. And I'm normally rubbish at the quick retort, so quite pleased with myself.

Years ago -
Male friend to me: "I don't like that dress you're wearing"
Me: "I won't lend it to you then"

Not witty but it shut him up.

There was once wee boys at the door looking for any "ginge bottles" (glass bottles you took them back and got 20p)

My dad said to them "Does this look like a face that drinks ginger?"

Wee boy " Naw it looks like a face that drinks vinegar"

Mine comes from from breaking up with an ex, who was a complete and utter entitled misogynistic knob, but a presentable, charming one who was a decent match in bed so it took me 8 months to notice. I broke up with him one morning at my house, he took it in a "well, I was going to dump you anyway" fashion when he then proceeded to tell me everything that was wrong with me (I was too fat, too clever, too independent etc). At my doorstep, he asked "so..... can we still be friends?". I smiled and see "oh, I would, but, you're really just not a very nice person" and closed the door on him.

I felt great, because it was true, not using any unnecessary foul language - not that I don't enjoy a good swear but on this occasion just made me feel like the bigger person 😀. Topped slightly by bumping into him a few months later, and him trying to be all smug that he'd blocked my number. I hadn't even noticed!

Not really a retort as such... In a bar on holiday with friends aged 18. Some nasty little twat took it upon himself to shove his hands up my friends skirt on the dance floor. I'm not a confrontational person but slapping him hard across the face was very satisfying! I think I might have made him cry

Hoppinggreen

LOL, quality!

I'm a male who Used to be cabin crew for an airline and flew mostly Luton to Dublin (now police but a whole other load of stories there)

Friday was always guaranteed stag do - and guaranteed abuse re being gay etc (I'm not gay) usually guys almost bullying one mate to a stage.

One flight Abuse the whole way over and then same stag do coming back on a Sunday evening with the same banter aimed at myself - one guy pretty much the instigator both ways.

Passengers getting off in Luton and we were standing at the front of the plane doing the usual thankyou/goodbye etc..handed instigator a piece of paper, winked and said "now please remember to ring me, I had a great time"

I could still here his mates giving him abuse while walking into the terminal.

Many years ago, and it didn't do my career any good, my boss sat down in my office and started going on about something I hadn't done that he thought I should have done, he had never asked me to do it in the first place. I was sitting at my own desk so while he was talking I got my job description out and started leafing through it, which obviously annoyed him even more. When he asked me what I was doing I said

"Just looking at my job description, to see where it says f*ing psychic".

A different boss years later, also going on about something, pointed at his forehead and asked "Do I have mug written up here?" I peered at his forehead for a few seconds and said "No, it has four letters."

Would it surprise you to learn my career progression was not meteoric? I am older and wiser now. Almost worth it though.

The ability to deliver a killer put down may be a curse rather than a blessing!

I think your post illustrates that very well kinglouie 😀

I used to work with a guy who was a serial womaniser. He would sleep with anyone, whether he found them attractive or not. He had a soft top car. One morning he came in to work and announced :

"I was having sex in the car last night, and the bird has ripped my soft top with her stillettos"

Another colleague piped up

"Are you sure it wasn't her Antlers?"

Best come back ever

At secondary school the lad behind me pipes up " I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it."
Me (loudly) " Well you wear underpants don't you?"
People were literally falling off their chairs laughing.

Some of these are SO funny! I am sitting here snorting out loud and getting funny looks in Costa's. Especially loved GrabtharsHammer,Lookinatu and sophree.

I was working as a receptionist at a small law firm who treated me like rubbish always hauling me over the coals for nothing. One afternoon a female partner who had it in for me was ripping me a new one about the post having been done wrongly somehow. Other staff were stood around listening including an office girl who was enjoying the show. I stood impassively and waited for the tirade to end then asked sweetly which Friday afternoon they were referring to? To their reply I said "I was on holiday that day so I didn't do the post" and looked at the office girl who was now crimson as she had messed it up herself. The female partner stood agog as I calmly walked back to my desk leaving them in my dust.

Bos comes over and in a winey voice says "tea can I be really annoying?" Before she finished the request I said "yes .... you can!"

Promotion chances nicely limited there.

Not mine but an ex boyfriend's...for context I don't have much of a relationship with my mum and hadn't seen her for several months, including not hearing from her on my 18th birthday.

DM: Talking about how she's found god and its such a positive influence on her life etc
ExBf: So does god tell you to do good things then?
DM: Yes I guess so
ExBf: Then why didn't he tell you to send your daughter a card for her 18th birthday?

It needed to be said.

Years ago, my parents would help sell a left wing newspaper at the weekends.

My dad and a friend were selling at the shops, mum and I were there too as we were out shopping and had stopped for a chat.

A man walked past and without anyone offering him a paper gave us all a disgusted look and announced loudly that he 'wouldn't wipe his arse with that paper.'

My dad's friend, without missing a beat, said 'Fair enough sir, the truth hurts!'

I was walking past the corner shop one evening and some kids hanging about outside asked me to get them cigarettes. I shook my head and called back "they'll stunt your growth". Without a pause one of them yelled "So how many did you smoke?" I'm 5'2". A few years on I still think it very funny.

One of my parents friends was a lovely elderly lady with her wits fully about her (sadly passed away now). She was extremely wealthy and came from real old money. She drove an old battered landrover Defender and was parking it into a tight space and struggling, when 2 lads in some boyracer hatchback zipped in and stole the parking space. They got out of the car and shouted 'that's what you can do when you can park'. At which point she drove her old Defender right into the lads car, wound her window down and said 'yes my dear, and that's what you can do when you have money!'!!
I still remember her telling us that one - classic!

beccabanana that one made me literally laugh out loud