To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

Working in a local bar and in comes Mr Gobby-showoffin front of his friends.

He's being an arse and making jokes about my height (I'm 4ft 11). He's not much taller than me.

He tells me I need a box to stand on so I ask to borrow his. His mates all fall about, pissing themselves laughing. He saw the funny side too and I never had a pick of bother from him after that.

Another one - not me but a girl from school in the year above me. This girl was about 14 and got flashed. She was quick off the mark and gave the bloke a look of disgust, then said 'I've seen more meat on a chipolata'.

beccabanana sounds like another version of Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.
Younger girls in sporty car nick her parking space and waltz off saying "we are younger and faster"
Kathy bashes their car and leans out window to shout "I'm older and have more insurance!"

Not really a put down but it's the quickest I've been with a quip.

Years ago a group of us were playing rounders in the park , quite a few dogs running about . One sat down near us and started licking it's bits .

Lad: I wish I could do that

Me: if you ask him nicely he might let you !!

I've not seen the Kathy Bates film but this happened about 30 years ago, I would love to be able to do that to some ignorant people in car parks!

Great thread.

Not me but DD, when she was 4. I bought her an adorable beanie hat last autumn in the style of a pumpkin. She flat out refused to wear it and said, deadpan:
"Mum, if you like it so much, I think you should wear it."

Loving this thread!

As a 20-ish female barmaid, in a laddish type of a pub. One of the older, corner of the pub fixtures said 'Tobee, are you cold?' 'Obviously. You haven't stopped staring at my tits for the last 15 minutes'.

Obnoxious guy at bar, being an annoying prat. He ordered a Guinness and said "love, write stud in the foam". I wrote "twat".

When I was on a hen once a drunken oik came over, leered at us and said "where are you girls going after this?". I shot back "nowhere they'll let you in!"
I'm normally quite slow witted in those situations so I was quite pleased with myself that time.

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One of my favourite comebacks was when a bloke in a bar was trying to show off in front of his mates. He moved forwards and leered at my breasts as I walked past him and loudly said, "Cor, you've got big ones!" Without missing a beat, I looked down at his crotch and said, "Bet you haven't!" He went beet red and his mates all roared jeers at him. Tosser!

love all of these

I was 17 when I encouraged some pricks at a train station.

They looked me up and down, sniggered and said I wouldn't fuck her.

I turned to the one that said it I retorted, ' thTs not what your mum said to me last night. She was great'.

I then just kept walking whilst he just opened and shut his mouth.

Rather juvinielle response but I couldn't help it!

Very drunk annoying persistent man in pub insisting he knew me from somewhere - I said "I used to be a sunstance misuse worker with adults - maybe it was from then?" (Is actually true).

The people who he was with wet themselves

B

Several years after leaving school I bumped into a girl I had never got on with while at a ball. She said to me smugly "you have put on weight" to which I replied "I have but I can loose the weight, it's much harder to loose a shit personality" and I walked away

I heard the best one on the underground escalator at Victoria.

It was the really steep on from the Victoria line, most people queued to stand on the right, and as we Brits do, you leave a step or two between you and the person in front for personal space.

I was behind a guy with one step between us. A man attempted to run up the stairs on the left hand side, but when he got level with us he nearly keeled over. Rather than saying excuse me, he just barged into the step between us nearly knocking me back and the guy forward. (I am terrified of falling on escalators)

The guy originally infront turned to the rude guy and said "excuse me, would you like to marry me?" And just stared at him.

Rude guy just scoffed "No"

Guy replied "well then take yer fucking cock out of my arse...."

Once had a guy in a pub say to me (in front of a group of his mates) " I'd love you to sit on my face"
I replied "I presume your nose is bigger than your dick then!"
Also told an ex work colleague that she was so two faced, it was a wonder she knew where to put her lipstick on every morning.....

Iklboo I love that 😂

All these comebacks are so great!

Not a come back but a great moment for me I'm so shy.

A boy, where I work tossed a sweet to their friend and said I got that one for free! His friends were like wow amazing how?! I was right behind them the whole time.. Yeah how did you get it for free?

The look on their faces!! They dropped it but turns out the boy had bought 3 of them so they could all have one

Lol love that response!!

Man parking on my drive waiting for child to come out of school...I asked him to move as it was my drive-he told me to go fuck myself, so I asked him "Why? Do you want to watch?" His v embarrassed wife burst out laughing and made him move. Twat.

A little bit crass but it worked...

A colleague was messing around at work and was starting to annoy me so I told him so. He came back with "oh is it that time of the month?" So I told him that me having a cunt has nothing to do with him being one.

Just quietly enough that nobody else heard and he went into a stunned silence.

A little crude but this was when I was 18 (2002).

Me and my sister had just gotten off the tram to meet an ex boyfriend, when a large group of lads nearby noticed us and started wolf whistling. One of the louder boys shouted over to me 'hey sexy do you want to see my willy?!'
Me: 'Yeah, if you can find it!'

The group of lads walked off laughing and taking the piss out of their friend!

Working a shift in a very busy bar many years ago and a loud, obnoxious man pushed to the front and shouted his order, despite there being many others waiting to be served before him. The Manager calmly walked to the serving area, wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to the man saying 'Sorry sir, we operate a ticket system in this bar, here's your ticket - luckily you're number 823...)"

DH and I had spent a whole day looking at cars in showrooms and I was thoroughly fed up with all the sales patter and smarm we'd heard all day. At the final place, the young salesman bounced up to us with his hand out saying "hello, I'm Robin". I just couldn't help myself and I answered 'Robin Bastard?".