To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

How do all of your think of these responses so quickly.

I'm in a darker place.... my DD (in Yr 10) says that all her primary school friends (the group which has stayed solid since Yr 2) has turned against her. The mum of one of them was in my car last week, with her HD and her DSis as we were all going to a long-planned event together. Asked me why their DD wasn't invited to my DD's birthday party. Was literally parallelized for an answer. DD has categorically told me not to discuss it with the other mums. Didn't have the balls to say "because the group is bullying her and making her life a misery".

Can't tell you the respect I have for this thread where people do own and name the issues!!!!

Uterus he puts the bins out on the morning they are collected. That is it I do the bloody lot. He wonders why I keep losing my shit over it
Shining I have drawn up a cleaning rota and stuck it on the side of the fridge. It's more than fair, it still sees me doing about 75% of the duties. He has been informed that if it isn't followed, I'll stop doing his washing and he'll run out of work shirts which won't be my problem. I'll also suspend my other duties iyswim

By the way, I love all these comebacks, and am rather envious that I can't be as quick off the mark in these situations

IMiss - to be perfectly honest its very rare for me to come up with a good retort. Like most(?) people I normally think of them at 2am after I've stayed awake stewing over it!

One of a group on a stag night in a pub had been blowing a whistle loudly in people's ears and he thought it was hilarious
He blew it right in my ear and I snatched it off him. I then told him that if he blew it again, I would shove it somewhere that he'd need to fart to make it work.
He didn't blow it again.

It's more than fair, it still sees me doing about 75% of the duties maybe you are being too kind, he may start doing his 25% and then slide back to hardly anything?
losing your shit is stressful, and making a rota still leaves you in charge of organising him into doing some of the work
these sorts of problems can be intractable if the other person just digs in a refuses to do an equal share

Waiting to be served at a bar, knobhead next to me said "Nice smile, do you have your own teeth?"
Me... "No, I've borrowed my Nans"

I am a nanny and was with my youngest charge in a shop last week after doing the school run. We reached the tills just slightly before a man in a suit, I said he could go in front of us as we were in no rush, to which he responded "thanks, I guess it's alright for you, but some of us actually have to work!"

I'd actually already been at work for 2.5 hours, but I was too shocked by his rudeness to respond! I so wish I had!

Guy at a bar was trying to chat me up, was boasting about how fit he was. Dull monologue ensued about how many races he'd run, how he runs every morning, how he runs faster than anyone else on his football team etc. and ends with "I just love running." I reply, "Oh just like Forrest Gump?"

At school a girl was leaving who had been pretty vile to me - we just didn't get on at all. When it came to farewells I said "Goodbye X, I think I'll miss you about as much as you'll miss me". And for some reason she was offended .

Years ago with an ex, woke up on a Saturday morning and just thought "sod this for a laugh, I'm off". Told him, left and was in the throes of planning a night out all the way home. He turned up at mine approximately 6 hours later claiming to be devastated and asking how I could have slept with him the night before if I no longer loved him. I told him it was preferable to having to talk to him, barely.

Many moons ago, when I was about 18 and out with DP. We had been out all evening and had just caught the takeaway place before it shut. I had my food and went outside to wait for him on the pavement. A group of lads were walking down the road and one of them stopped about a metre in front of me, unzipped his trousers and proceeded to have a piss up against the wall.

Me: God, that's disgusting
Lad: (waving his penis at me) What's the matter love? Never seen a cock before?
Me: Not one that small, no.
His mates: Pissing themselves laughing.

iklboo - That is bloody brilliant!

DH's cousin was a teenager when she encountered a flasher. She took one look at him, shook her head and said disparagingly "well that's nothing to be proud of".

A really bitchy girl once said to my Son:

"OMG...you look SO much better without your glasses on" to which he replied "That's funny, cos YOU look so much better without my glasses on too"..

woowoowoo - your story reminded me of my very gobby,outspoken friend I had when I was at college years ago. Some workmen on a building site shouted at us as we walked past 'Oi love,come and sit on my face!'. Without missing a beat,my friend shouted back 'It looks like someone already has!'. I was in fits.

I have two, both work related. Which is amazing as I'm normally one to fluster.

Just turned 16 and working as a cashier in a supermarket on a Saturday. Man about mid-30s at my till has been looking at my breasts for the past 5 minutes, asking me what time I finished, general perviness. He then says I think I've seen you somewhere before, so I raise an eyebrow and say oh I don't know? At school perhaps. He got the message.

Second one, summer job during uni at a large shop. Very old fashioned, all sorts of health and safety laws and employment laws broken, one manager told me "he loved a woman on her knees". Sets the scene. I have had enough so hand in my notice despite having no formal contract with a notice period. Manager is appalled that I would dare leave before the end of summer and says well after this I'd never employ you again. To which I replied that's ok, I'd never work for you again and walked out, didn't work my notice. The shop closed down a year later, he still glares if he sees me in town, I smile sweetly.

Not mine (I am a classic stair person) but at one time I used to work weekends in a call centre and I always treasure this memory.

Some full time staff could be a bit arsey with us part-timers who they perceived as 'nicking' their overtime. One girl in particular was obnoxious. She would rant and rave and swear about any error or mistake she thought a part-timer had made. One day she (we will call her Susan) turned the air blue as she ranted and raved about some imaginary transgression - it was so loud and vile we all had to put our calls on hold so as not to offend the customers at the end of the lines - silence fell as she paused for breath and one of my colleagues said into the silence 'Do you have Tourette's Susan?'

Not long afterwards the company introduced digital monitoring of our work and it transpired that Tourette's Sue handled fewer calls in a 38 hour week than most weekend staff managed in 16 hours. She spent more time on loo/fag breaks than on the phone and hung up on more callers than the rest of the team combined. Happily for the company, she went off into a massive strop and resigned before they could fire her.

A couple of months before SIL's wedding FIL asks her 'are you planning on losing weight for the wedding?' To which she instantly replies 'I don't know, Derek, are you?' FIL has a large paunch for context.
Amazing.

When I was in my 40s I worked with a young lad in his 20s he was known for his sarky remarks, one day he sat next to me and said 'I'm getting hot flushes it must be the menopause' to which I replied 'don't be silly dear you've got to go through puberty first'

The whole office went into meltdown, funnily enough we ended up very good friends after that.

My porn addicted DH said he would shoot himself before he would do cooking.
I said it would be more fitting for a wanker like him if he went to the top of a high building and tossed his self off.

Being pregnant and knackered with my first I sat on some steps for a breather. Some old man walked up the steps and was tutting and moaning about me being there.
I growled at him "I'm 8 and a half months pregnant, I'll sit wherever the hell I like".
His wife gave him filthy looks and they scuttled off.

I had a light bulb moment, after years of my dad telling me that I was doing everything wrong with my kids and should have done things as he did with me.

"I'm very flattered that you think I'm so perfect that there is no room for improvement.
I disagree."

He shut the fuck up and never told me I needed to "nip anything in the bud" again.

I have 2, both re young men being revolting. At 19 a man walked up to me in a bar, handed over his card, and said "Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later.". I said "Bitch, if we got that far - and we wouldn't - you'd be screaming my name.". One of his mates fell down two steps from laughing too hard.

Second was a boy with his penis out in a pub. I said "ooooh, that looks just like a penis, only smaller" (note I think shaming men for penis size is shit, but he was saying 'see, I'm a big boy" and waving it far too close to my drink, so I think the comment was justified in the circumstances).

Teenaged dick head with group of mates yells "Can I lick your clit luv?" at me when I'm walking past the park with my child, without missing a beat I managed "I'd be surprised if you could find it" straight back, his group of mates are pissing themselves laughing and telling him he's been totally owned :)