To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

l'esprit d'escalier

Love it. I shall be using it in the future and hope I pronounce it properly.

Iklboo - fanbloodytastic!

'Everyone is right, you are a prick'.

My first bf cheated on me with an ex of his (he was the only man I'd slept with at this point). He insisted that despite it going on for two weeks he never let himself orgasm with her as he stopped just before and therefore it didn't count. I replied that if having an orgasm counts as sex then I must still be a virgin. It shut him up pretty quickly.

Had a friend who was clearly indicating to manoeuvre into a parking space. Along comes a young guy and reverses into it, forcing my friend to point out that he had been patiently waiting for a couple of minutes. Young guy told him to "fuck off back to his care home."

Only thing was, instead of going to his care home, my friend was heading to interview someone for a job. I wonder who that was?!!

This wasn't me it was two colleagues.
She was being rude and belligerent (sp?) and he very calmly replied, "I will leave the vituperation to you, you're obviously much better at it than I am."

I've always emptied his style.

After a night at a friends house with their other mutual friend (who wasnt the most attractive, and his personality wasn't exactly amazing to make up for it) where a few too many drinks flowed and I ended up snogging the poor guy (pretty sure it was out of pity as he came across so desperate - he was trying to bed me after all). The next morning he mentioned the night before and how amazing alcohol is for getting two people together I said "yes, your right, your much better looking when I'm drunk" he most definitely knew he wasn't going home with my number.

Five deep at the bar on NYE. A bloke bought a round of about ten drinks. This was in the day when you added it up all in your head. He thought I had overcharged him. So I got a pad and pencil and wrote it all down and got him to check it. I was spot on, the people behind him were less than impressed having to wait longer to be served.

I was standing behind a man in the bank who was being really awful to the staff. I had banked there for years and knew them really well and they were all lovely.
They were trying to help him but he was just being an arse - he came out with the line
" AND Im a member of the National institute of Bankers"
" think you've got the first letter of that wrong" I piped up!!!

My dxgf told me I was being pathetic for sleeping on the sofa.

With a tongue of ice I told her "You and I clearly have differing views on what constitutes pathetic behaviour." (She'd been messaging other guys).

When I was a teenager a "friend" of mine used to always make snide remarks about the moles I have on my face and that they were ugly. I was quite shy so never said anything back but one day I'd had enough and she started laughing and taking the piss so when she said to me "why have you got those awful moles on your face", I quickly retorted with "why have you got a full moustache". Shut her up pretty quick. She started bleaching her upper lip hair from then on.

A story I heard on the radio years ago.

Male passenger has argument with female air crew member. He says:
"I thought you looked stupid from the moment I saw you"
She says:
"Really? I thought you looked really nice. We could both be wrong".

And another one - not me but my Mum
We were out for a meal in a posh restaurant and there was a " hooray Henry" type at the table next to us who was being rather loud and obnoxious. He was on a long monologue about his "terrible" week, which basically involved everyone else being useless and him being vair vair clever. He finished with " and to top it off the bloody cat died"
My Mother loudly exclaimed " probably suicide"

Marking place by saying your OH sounds a cock, OP!
No housework at all?

When I worked in the uni bar I had some rude arsehole clicking andvwaving his fingers at me for service, i told him it'd take more than that to make me come

Had a boyfriend tell me he wasnt really sure if he wanted to go out with me or another girl. I told him to go out with her, she was more his level, he'd been aiming way too high.

It wasn't a comment but it works.

I was working for a sexist arsehole in a bar on a Mediterranean island when I was 18.

It is my first night. Bar has a pool table. I comment on said pool table. Sexist Arsehole Boss says 'Ha! Yes! You like to play?' I shrug. He offers to teach me how to hold the stick (yuck) His mates guffaw a lot. He tells me the rules. He wins the toss and breaks - he pots one but misses the next. I take my first shot and totally clean up from there. Black n'all. He never got back to the table.

'Twas a thing of beauty. He couldn't even say he let me win.

I was reasonably good at pool but not THAT good. He just obviously had it coming. I bet his mates are still reminding him about it...

he wasnt really sure if he wanted to go out with me or another girl. I told him to go out with her, she was more his level, he'd been aiming way too high
well played Garlic:o

your husband needs to start pulling his weight OP, dont waste energy getting into pointless arguments, talk is cheap
just stop doing anything for him

When I was about 20, I was in a pub, and a group of soilders were by the bar. As I went to order a drink, they made a show of going silent, with lots of thrash, whispers and gestures designed to b get my attention while humiliating me. The one in the middle said in a loud voice
"hello darling, do you fuck" . all his mates started cracking up till looked c coolly at him and confidently replied
" like a dream darling, but not with you ". Silence for a split second, then a very different kind of laughter.

an older man once tried hitting on me ( I was 25 ish, he was maybe 45ish)
'where have you been all my life'
'I hadnt been born for most of it'

Hopping

Similar thing happened when I worked for the council many years ago.

Bumhole of a boss was bawling and shouting at everybody - how we all let him down and without him the entire department was nothing - NOTHING!
Screamed - "You'd all better remember that I am the anchor of this department!" To which a bright spark piped up - "All these years and I never knew the "w" was silent."

Years ago in my early 20s I was buying a scrubbing brush on a market stall. The spotty teenager who sold it to me leered at me and said:

'Don't scrub it too 'ard, will ya?'

Without missing a beat I said:

'Oh I've got someone to scrub it for me."

He was speechless.

Slimy estate agent was disparaging online estate agents and said 'why do you think we've been going 85 years?' 'Erm, because the Internet hadn't been invented yet?'

Awkward.

XH waxing lyrical about what hard work being a parent is but how rewarding it is too...

Me: "What the fuck would you know? You do jack shit with DS, you leave everything to me and still fucking moan that you don't get enough time to yourself."

To be totally fair to him he did admit that I was telling the truth.