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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help DD with hair every morning?

198 replies

Ilovehamabeads · 06/10/2016 08:04

She's almost 12 and just started high school. She already gets up 75 mins before she needs to leave and spends about 60 of those minutes dicking around with her hair. She's fallen out with me because apparently everyone else's mum does their dd's hair in the morning, she hates her hair and why can't it be straight like everyone else's.
I never helped when she was at primary school and just don't have the time or inclination to be trialling fancy styles at that time in the morning. While she is doing that, I am downstairs making breakfasts and packed lunch for my younger DS.

Should I be getting her and me up even earlier to do her hair for her? If it's the norm to help your almost 12 year old and I am wrongly neglecting her then I will certainly make the effort. I definitely can't be doing with this drama every day.
Thanks! Smile

OP posts:
IHeartKingThistle · 06/10/2016 08:09

My DD is nearly 10 with thick wavy hair. She wishes for straight hair too. I don't really help her put it up but I have helped her research how to look after it, eg conditioner only washes, not too much brushing, and I've taken her to my hairdresser to get the weight taken out. It's a million times better from that small effort. But no, I wouldn't be dicking about with fancy plaits in the morning either!

GinIsIn · 06/10/2016 08:10

From the title I thought she was going to be 6 or something - YANBU at all, that's ridiculous! Wake her up at 4am with a bright "it's hairstyle time" for a few days and I expect she'll quickly get a grip! Grin. At 12, if she wants straight hair why doesn't she just use the 60 mins of fancying around to straighten it?

twinkletoedelephant · 06/10/2016 08:12

Dd now has a beautiful short cut for this very reason

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/10/2016 08:14

It's a difficult age and girls especially start to be more conscious of their appearance at that age and compare themselves to their peers. I expect she is frustrated with her hair and taking that out on you. Hormones are probably also playing a part in the drama!

Could you suggest she washes it in the evening and tries out some styles so there's less mucking about in the morning? If she just wants it put up, I would help with that if she's struggling. Could you put it in a French plait for her?
I wouldn't beat yourself up for not spending half an hour doing her hair. That's just not practical.

GreatFuckability · 06/10/2016 08:20

my dd is 13, in year 8 and some mornings I do her hair, some I don't. she is at an age where appearances are important to her (rightly or wrongly, thats a whole different debate!) so i will make the time to do a quick, pretty updo sometimes. never takes more than 10 mins.

TheFairyCaravan · 06/10/2016 08:24

I can never understand these sort of threads.

Would it really hurt to help your DD with her hair for 5/10 minutes in the morning, so she goes to school happy and feeling good about herself?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/10/2016 08:27

What TFC said! I help my ds with his hair,it's important at this age. The days of scraping it back in a ponytail will come later as she becomes more confident but not atm.

Bettybooop25 · 06/10/2016 08:27

She's your daughter. It doesn't matter how old she is, she needs help with something so just help her.

GreatFuckability · 06/10/2016 08:28

Also, short hair would not work on my dd. it would cause even more time consuming styling issues, as she has insanely thick BIG hair. when it was shoulder length it looked like a really shitty wig. It needs length to take some of the bigness out Grin

Linpinfinwin · 06/10/2016 08:29

Absolutely reasonable to expect her to do her own hair in the morning.

Might be worth helping her come up with some doable styles at a more convenient time if she's genuinely stuck, but it sounds like she has the skills really. My DD is nearly 10 and I love doing her hair - I'm sure I will miss it when she doesn't want me to do it anymore. But she only needs help with stuff like french plaits these days, so on a normal school day she does her own! Like PP I have researched methods for dealing with curly hair and experimented with her over the summer but day to day, it's her responsibility.

Buglife · 06/10/2016 08:31

It sounds like she has reached the 'I hate my hair' stage and wants to do something with it but can't herself. Perhaps talk to her about what cut she would like, do it a few times but also watch some YouTube tutorials of quick hairstyles/plaits together so she can learn to do it herself. With practice she won't have to spend 60 mins on it, that indicates she's trying but not achieving what she wants so is upset and wants you to help. Starting High school is hard, suddenly all the older children are there and she's perhaps trying to emulate them. The little things can make you so upset at that age.

GinIsIn · 06/10/2016 08:34

I am actually Shock at the posters who think a 12 year old needs their hair done by mummy! I went to boarding school, and the independence of figuring out how to do things for myself at that age made me a much more confident, self-sufficient and reliable person than my peers who had still been babied - when I went to uni at 18 I was the only one in my halls who knew how to change a lightbulb, work a washing machine or cook properly.

At 12 she's going to be wanting to go to sleepovers, on residential school trips, out with friends - it's really good for her to know how to do her own hair at this point!

LikeTheShoes · 06/10/2016 08:34

I used to hate my mum brushing my hair, she always pulled and tugged.

If I don't blow dry and straighten mine it is totally unmanageable and has to go into a plait. So I wash and deal with it at night so I don't have to get up at stupid o'clock. (Actually I usually wash it then can't be bothered to dry and straighten it so fall asleep, then it's a million times worse as I fell asleep with it unbrushed and wet so in the morning it goes into a plait -adulting is tricky)

Maybe she would like straighteners for Christmas?

Helloitsme90 · 06/10/2016 08:39

Why don't you take some time in the evening to try different hairstyles and show your DD how to do them so she can do them herself in the mornings. I remember hating my hair when I was a teen and it's only now in my late twenties that I actually love my hair. It's taken time, money and experimenting to achieve this.

froubylou · 06/10/2016 08:39

My dd is exactly the same age. She had very long slightly curly hair that she loved having in fancy do's and plaits. When ds was born I was mostly pinned to the sofa bfing. I told her that I would still plait/style her hair but I wanted it fully brushed out before she came down.

After a couple of weeks being sent back upstairs to rebrush it she decided to lose half the length which made it so much easier to brush.

And then she watched YouTube videos to learn how to do the styles she wanted herself.

She still gets up early to do her hair but she can do loads of styles I can't even do on herself. Including french plaits, inverted french plaits, fishtails and those headband french plaits. And can do a nice messy bun in a matter of seconds.

Could you ask her to do that a couple of mornings and you do it for her a couple of mornings until she gets the hang of doing it herself?

GreatFuckability · 06/10/2016 08:40

It's not a case of needing it done by a parent, more a case of not being very good at complicated stuff/having very long thick hair that's difficult to do, so I help sometimes if its something beyond a plait/ponytail.

TheFairyCaravan · 06/10/2016 08:40

I am actually shock at the posters who think a 12 year old needs their hair done by mummy!

Why? She has thick hair and finds it hard to do herself. When I was at school I had a friend with similar hair, her mum used to do lovely styles and French plaits for her until we left school. No one thought it was odd, we were all quite jealous.

BruceBogtrotter101 · 06/10/2016 08:42

YANBU. I hate doing my DDs' hair (one is 3 and one is 5) they scream the bloody place down at 6.30am if there is even a tiny knot. And I regularly almost miss my train to work with the drama of it all. The only thing keeping me going is that I won't be having to do it for many more years!

Ausernotanumber · 06/10/2016 08:44

Do you have to be out to work? How much time would it take to help her? Starting big school is such a tricky time I'd be inclined to help if I could.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 08:48

If she has thick hair she is obviously struggiling with it you dont have to do fancy styles but the girl is asking you to help her with it help her she is 12 this might seem flippant to you but it is important to her , 1 of my dds has mad wavy hair and at 12 i was stil helping her with it

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 06/10/2016 08:50

YABU

She's 11 & just started senior school. The very least you can do is help her with her hair so she feels confident going into a big new school with lots of people she doesn't know & lots of older girls. It takes time to learn how to do it & until she can do it well herself it's pretty shitty not to help.

MotherKat · 06/10/2016 08:51

Gosh I miss doing my big girl's hair, she used to want it done all the time and then stopped when she hit year 8, now at 16 I am only allowed to help for special dos.
If it's fancy braids a nice night time ritual can be doing them after a bath, before bed, they tend to look nicer for being slept on.

alltouchedout · 06/10/2016 08:54

I am always Confused by posters who think it's helpful and supportive to be contemptuous and mocking when a child has asked a parent for help they don't think the child should need.
Takes all sorts I suppose.

OP, is a compromise possible? Such as, an hour on elaborate hairstyles isn't something you can do, but 15 minutes helping her achieve something she feels comfortable with you can?

AppleJac · 06/10/2016 08:56

Im with TFC here.

Just help her

RockinHippy · 06/10/2016 08:57

Crikey, some of the replies on here are plain daft Confused Whatever happened to bringing our kids up to be well adjusted, independent young adultsHmm

She isn't a baby, she isn't going to have a hairdresser at her beck & call everyday so of course YANBU

Mine has similar hair & waist length too, I did as per advice above & helped her learn how to manage it better, so now at 14, she loves her fabulous mane of hair & has been dealing with it herself since she was much younger