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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help DD with hair every morning?

198 replies

Ilovehamabeads · 06/10/2016 08:04

She's almost 12 and just started high school. She already gets up 75 mins before she needs to leave and spends about 60 of those minutes dicking around with her hair. She's fallen out with me because apparently everyone else's mum does their dd's hair in the morning, she hates her hair and why can't it be straight like everyone else's.
I never helped when she was at primary school and just don't have the time or inclination to be trialling fancy styles at that time in the morning. While she is doing that, I am downstairs making breakfasts and packed lunch for my younger DS.

Should I be getting her and me up even earlier to do her hair for her? If it's the norm to help your almost 12 year old and I am wrongly neglecting her then I will certainly make the effort. I definitely can't be doing with this drama every day.
Thanks! Smile

OP posts:
kittykatval · 07/10/2016 19:08

I braid both my DDs hair and put it into high ponytails. Also do dutch braids that go into two buns which I think look quite sweet, are easy enough to do maybe you could try and show her how to do this? Other things I do are halo braids when hair is half up and half down, for special occasions will curl then tuck hair into a light bun and sometimes pump up volume of hair and put it into a high braid. I like my DD's to have hair out of the way at school, tennis, football and for drama. At the moment older DD (9) likes to have hers in a dutch loop braid ponytail whilst younger DD (6) likes hers in two neat double braids or two double buns.
You should help her with her hair. It's nice bonding time. She should be able to put it into a ponytail, a bun and braid little bits of her. But when she wants it braided, you should help her. It's hard to braid your own hair! I don't let my DD's have very intricate braiding because it pulls at the hair.

memememum · 07/10/2016 19:10

It sounds like she needs help to do styles that she likes and to help with her self esteem. Please fit in the time to help her come up with some. How about having a session or 2 in the coming weekends? It is so sad that so many girls/women think that curly hair can't be beautiful.

sarahlouise03 · 07/10/2016 19:11

Why not look into the Brazilian straighten I think its called or straightening In the evening and then again in the morning so it takes less time in the morning? I would help my daughter if she asked. Difficult hair takes tine and lits of practice. I also agree that hormones and confidence at her age is playing a part many girls are judged by their looks unfortunately (i do not agree with)

littleflamingo · 07/10/2016 19:11

Useless? Well my mum used to help me with my hair and I'm definitely a useless trilingual lawyer. And you?

Flumpnugget · 07/10/2016 19:15

Before the advent of good hair straighteners, I had hair that left me utterly despairing, and definitely missed school on one occasion because I was so distraught with it. My mum was utterly clueless and was no help.

Fast forward to now and I have no issue helping my DD and she sometimes helps me too. There's nothing wrong in wanting to look well turned out. Takes not even 5 minutes if you can help with a good wash and blow dry the night before. Dry shampoo keeps the greasy roots at bay and makes the style last another day or so.

I think refusing to help, belittling how important it is for her or deliberately ignoring her requests are unfair and unnecessary.

user1475439961 · 07/10/2016 19:19

She won't need your help like this forever. Enjoy the fact that she is asking for you help with her hair. Get up earlier, find the time and try to be grateful you have a daughter to help.

Indya · 07/10/2016 19:22

Is she being teased or bullied? When my DD behaved like that it turned out that was the reason.

Jodie1982 · 07/10/2016 19:24

I help my daughter in the mornings, I want her going to school happy and tidy. But in her spare time she has to practice. I also do lunches in the evenings to save time in the morning.

Lovemylittlebear · 07/10/2016 19:30

I would help my daughter if she asked. It's a tough age and I'd want her to feel good about herself and positive x

Serialweightwatcher · 07/10/2016 19:31

littleflamingo - use your skills to read every word - 'some' ........ and 'some' are because they are incapable of helping themselves because they've had everything done for them for too long

pontificationcentral · 07/10/2016 19:35

We all parent in different ways, some are natural coddlers, some prefer to instil independence as early as possible. Neither are wrong, they are just different.
I have a 12yo with cerebral palsy. I leave the house at 6.30am before she gets out of bed. As she struggled with long hair, we got it cut short. Now she can deal with it herself. Being able to deal with it herself is empowering. Kids with additional needs have enough things they can't do, without me forcibly leaving her with long hair she can't manage. We talked about it and got it cut.
My 16yo dd has giant hair like me. It's wild, woolly, thick, wavy, frizzy at the hairline and waist length. She's also a dancer, and it has to be tamed for class and for the stage. She's the only kid in her dance school that has been unable to use a bun builder since she was 6, as she has literally too much crazy hair. At 12 I would do her hair for dance, but not for school. I don't have the time or the patience to be faffing around with that. By 13 she had successfully learned to tame the lot and get it into a perfect bun for dance. Fortunately, she doesn't give two hoots about what it looks like for school, so it either gets dragged back into a giant bushy pony tail (that looks like she has been homeless for some time) or uses about four bobbles to scrape it into a giant messy blob on the back of her head. It's her hair - she can do what she likes with it - if she wants to explore styles she knows where YouTube is.
I treat them differently because they are different children. It is unfair to leave my kid with additional needs to style a waist length mane when she is unable to, but I want to promote her independence, so it's chopped off. If my NT kid wants waist length hair, she is more than capable of looking after it herself.
Really, at 12, they should be capable of getting ready for school without help. It's school, not a catwalk. As long as they are CAPABLE of getting ready for school without help, you have done your job as a parent. If you CHOOSE to fanny around with hair for them, knowing they are capable of doing it for themselves, that it a parenting choice, and valid like any other.
But really, the most important part is knowing that they are capable of doing it on their own. If you have a 12yo that isn't, that is a problem that needs fixing by getting them those skills, not by taking over and doing it yourself.

pontificationcentral · 07/10/2016 19:39

I would also like to add that this a parenting option, not a mothering option. Dads are equally capable of wielding a hairbrush and doing a couple of braids if they start when their daughter grows hair. Ditto buns for ballet.

Making this about mean mummies is sticking in my craw.

Daydream007 · 07/10/2016 19:47

Do you have to get yourself ready for work too? If not then help her.

Xenia1414 · 07/10/2016 19:50

Yanbu. My mum told me when I was 13 that I'd either have to learn to tie it myself or we could cut it off. I was doing it myself within a couple of days and never looked back.

hazebaze87 · 07/10/2016 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notmuchtosay1 · 07/10/2016 20:19

I always dreamed of having a daughter and doing her hair, brushing it and French plaiting it...I have 3 boys!
Can you French plait it the night before? If I plait mine it's ok the next day.

MacksMom · 07/10/2016 20:20

My half sister is 13 (in year 8), and has been doing her own hair since she was about 9. I've started doing own hair from around the age of 9 or 10, and at 12 I didn't really want my mom touching my hair tbh. Once your in secondary school, your mom shouldn't be doing your hair.

user1474781546 · 07/10/2016 20:55

at 12 I didn't really want my mom touching my hair tbh. Once your in secondary school, your mom shouldn't be doing your hair.

I think that's your own issue though.

Ohyesiam · 07/10/2016 20:59

I have thick curly hair which I have loved since I was 14 , and started hanging out with black friends and learned how to manage it. First I learned to steam it by hanging over the open kettle, this is like brushing to curly hair, but gets the pattern of the curl into it's most flattering look, where as brushing it only produces Friz
. next she need product, at the moment I use loriel extraordinary oil. Then maybe some wax on the end s. She can also try putting conditioner on towel dried hair and letting it dry on. Also let it dry naturally.

She may end up with a different regime, but curler hair need really different treat ment to straight. Lots of products for black hair work well, the oil free ones.
There's also probably lots on you tube about curley hair styles.

Ohyesiam · 07/10/2016 21:01

I many to add that she won't need you once she knows his to manage it herself.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 07/10/2016 21:19

OP if it's the hairline being frizzy that is upsetting her try R&B by lush (I don't work for them). I have a similar issue and I can totally understand why she is frustrated. It's very hard to feel well groomed when you have a frizz halo. R&B works wel for me, John frieda smoothing serum also great. I think maybe if you address the hairline she won't need your help.

sandbagsatdawn · 07/10/2016 21:50

I'm never sure how anyone manages to 'dick about' with their hair for that long. I can do a very complicated plait/up do on my own hair in less than 10 minutes, and putting my daughter's hair into a basic ponytail/plait/bun etc takes less than 5 minutes.

My daughter is 10, so not that much younger than the 'nearly 12' year old in question (ie an 11 year old). She's recently had her hair cut short, but when it was long, she couldn't plait or do a ponytail herself, and I don't think it's unreasonable that an 11 year old can't do that.

Encourage them to learn to do it themselves by all means. I learnt to french plait on Guide camp personally (so definitely older than 11.) I certainly wouldn't be spending a long time on her hair in the morning, but I don't think there's anything wrong with helping your child with things they can't do yet. There seems to be a mumsnet concept among many that the moment your child starts secondary school they should be completely capable of doing everything themselves, and taking responsibility for themselves. Becoming an adult is a gradual progress, not something which happens magically in the summer holidays between primary and secondary school. It's ok for them not to be able to do everything.

Caroline2207 · 07/10/2016 22:11

I would definitely help, a little boost of confidence in those early teenage years wouldn't hurt.

Charley50 · 07/10/2016 22:21

My mum never helped me with my hair, and it was always a frizzy mess when I was at school. I didn't have a clue. I felt a bit neglected. This was way before YouTube.
I think it's arcing thing to help your child with their hair, whatever the age. Maybe the evening before though.

gemma19846 · 07/10/2016 22:22

I dont think her age is the issue, shes your daughter, she needs your support/help/advice/time for something that is obviously important to her. Why wouldnt you just take time to help her rather than her going to school upset and feeling like shit about herself :/

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