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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help DD with hair every morning?

198 replies

Ilovehamabeads · 06/10/2016 08:04

She's almost 12 and just started high school. She already gets up 75 mins before she needs to leave and spends about 60 of those minutes dicking around with her hair. She's fallen out with me because apparently everyone else's mum does their dd's hair in the morning, she hates her hair and why can't it be straight like everyone else's.
I never helped when she was at primary school and just don't have the time or inclination to be trialling fancy styles at that time in the morning. While she is doing that, I am downstairs making breakfasts and packed lunch for my younger DS.

Should I be getting her and me up even earlier to do her hair for her? If it's the norm to help your almost 12 year old and I am wrongly neglecting her then I will certainly make the effort. I definitely can't be doing with this drama every day.
Thanks! Smile

OP posts:
FleurThomas · 06/10/2016 22:38

At 12 she has to learn how to style her own hair & not rely on a busy parent. Most girls this age go onto Youtube for quick and easy styles - has she tried that? Is she allowed a hairdryer/product/straighteners yet?

avamiah · 06/10/2016 22:54

My daughter is 6 nearly 7 with long thick hair.
I put 2 plaits in her hair for bed then in the morning she takes them out and brushes it as it isn't tangled and then i either do two new plaits or a pony tail and it takes me about 1 minute.
It depends on the length of hair i suppose as to what ways to wear it but i think it is important to send children into school with clean and groomed hair as this is how a child can get bullied.
Not to start another thread but it happened to a little boy at her school because his fringe was down to his nose.

avamiah · 06/10/2016 23:07

goodomens830,
I think your being a bit OTT.
OP posted asking if she is being unreasonable, i don't think she should be told she is a mean mum for not doing her 12 year olds hair.

gillybeanz · 06/10/2016 23:12

good

wtf are you on about.
Her dd will obviously learn to do it herself, the same as mine has.
Perhaps somebody should tell her that not all mothers do this with their 12 year old daughters, it's absurd. The OP hasn't got time in a morning, it's not she's admitting to having no interest in her child at all.
They may have a brilliant relationship and share lots of other things.

avamiah · 06/10/2016 23:27

gilly,
Totally agree with you.
She must be a SW.
lol.

thehugemanatee · 06/10/2016 23:53

I'd help her but something fast and easy, put it in a ponytail or plait it.

She could also go to the hairdresser and have it straightened which might make it easier to handle.

user838383 · 07/10/2016 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject · 07/10/2016 10:16

As all teens like to look the same, and the current look is a curtain of dead straight hair - with fuzzy hair she cant have that and will have to learn to accept it.

Permanent straightening means several hours, a lot of cash and being very careful for a week after- not practical for a child. And not hefty straighteners either, she will burn herself, her hair or the house.

So practise at the weekend, find a practical style that takes five mins and that is what she does for school.

Oh, and thinning doesnt work! There is nothing that thins thick hair. Dont cut it short either, doubles the volume and goes spherical.

amusedbush · 07/10/2016 12:24

goodomens830

Hmm

OP, my mum is useless with hair and never helped me other than a quick ponytail when I was really little. In fact, she would send me next door so our neighbour could do my hair while she helped her own daughter!

I have very thick, curly hair and I despaired of it at that age. I had no idea how to care for it properly and decent straighteners were expensive in 2002, so I didn't have any until later in my teens. If your DD has that sort of time to do hair in the morning, she can dry and straighten it.

steppemum · 07/10/2016 12:33

dd is 11 and half and just started secodnary.
She has long thick hair.
She can wash it herself (but it took a very loooong year to get to that point)
She can brush it herself,
But she likes to wear it in a plat down her back. She has tried, but she can't do it herself, and to be honest, I am not surprised, it is hard!
So I plait is for her every morning.

Occasionally she will ask for frnch plaits at the weekend and I am happy to do that if we have time.

My neices are mixed race and have massively thick cruly hair. The eldest 2 are 15 and 13. Their mum still plaits their hair for them. Although I think the eldest can just do hers at a push.

louiseplusditi · 07/10/2016 17:38

Ask if she wants her ass wiped for her in the morning too! Blimey my mum used to do my hair when I was young but not when I went to secondary school!!!
Suggest that she experiments after school...that's what I used to do and then I knew what would look okay on me and how long it takes x

Craigie · 07/10/2016 17:39

If my mother had laid a finger on my hair when I was in senior school I would have died of embarrassment. At 12 she is more than capable of looking after her own hair.

RiverTam · 07/10/2016 17:48

louis adding an 'x' at the end of your post doesn't stop your opening line from bring pretty unpleasant. Luckily it sounds like the OP has got a rather less nasty response in order.

happy2bhomely · 07/10/2016 17:52

My daughter is capable of doing her own hair and does it most mornings. But some mornings she starts huffing and I ask if she wants me to plait it for her or put it in a bun. She is so grateful and walks out of here so pleased. It takes approximately 3 minutes. I have 5 dc and can spare a few minutes to help my 12 year old when she's feeling rubbish.

I sometimes help my 15 ds with his sticky up double crown duck tail too (so shoot me!)

I wouldn't do it if she had an attitude with me or if she started demanding it, but I've noticed there is a pattern (monthly) to her grumpy mornings, so I do anything I can to help. It's tough being young.

Sometimes, to wind her up, I start humming 'Slipping Through My Fingers.' She thinks I'm hilariousWink

user1474781546 · 07/10/2016 17:58

louise is there a problem doing hair for another person?

My 16 year old daughter often pamper each other. She loves to do my hair and show me new styles, I often do her hair in the morning, yes often before school. I paint her nails, she paints my toenails. I give her a foot massage when they are sore from dancing, she will give me a shoulder massage when I am feeling stressed.
If she has cold feet on a winter's evening I will pat them with talc, put warm socks and get her a hot water bottle. . She will show my how to tidy and pencil my eyebrows.
Have I been doing it all wrong?

Do tell.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 07/10/2016 18:01

Blimey,I spend half an hour a day combing my cat's fur let alone any of my humansGrin

littleflamingo · 07/10/2016 18:05

I'm socked! She's only 12 and is struggling with her hair! And you're denying some little help? She is your own daughter!
And whoever said that's she was able to change a lightbulb at university... What does it mean? It doesn't make you better or smarter. In fact I've got many friends who are lawyers and doctors and they don't have a clue how to change a lightbulb and definitely they are smarter and more succeful than many "I cool, clean, wash and change a lightbulb" type of person.

AldrinJustice · 07/10/2016 18:06

I think YABU, at that age I was going through the same thing with my hair. It was thick and bushy, and while I never really looked to my mum for help, I always remember thinking why my hair was lovely and straight. if she is wanting you do support her in finding a hairstyle that suits her (some teens become very self aware at this age), then I would look at that as an opportunity rather than a chore. Don't do it in the morning, do it with her in the evening so she can learn it and repeat it herself in the morning. Put yourself in her shoes, it is truly horrible having shitty hair when your peers have lovely straight locks that require little maintenance, it really messes with your confidence.

AldrinJustice · 07/10/2016 18:09

Wasnt*

nixie60 · 07/10/2016 18:12

Ouch, same here Agerbil, I still wince at the memory of my mum dealing with my hair. How my head never came off is still a mystery...

I did do my daughter's hair in the mornings when she was in junior school. Once she got to senior school though, she wouldn't let me do it any more - her view was that she needed to be able to do it herself. I think you're not in an easy position here OP, and some of the comments made have been a bit hurtful, but in your shoes I'd go the route others have suggested of working with her to find styles she can do herself quickly and easily.

Shona52 · 07/10/2016 18:13

Could you not make lunches the night before that might give you a wee bit of time to help her with her hair but give her responsibilities saying you need to be ready for me at such a time. My mum never bothered with my hair when I was young and I really wish she had. Hated my hair growing up and really knocked my confidence. Ended up with really bad hair cuts as I couldn't manage it long by myself. Try and give her a little time to help her till she can learn to manage it.

Believeitornot · 07/10/2016 18:18

Sounds like she needs a bit of help.

Would that hurt... What's your hair like OP? Do you understand what it's like to have her hair type?

Mycraneisfixed · 07/10/2016 18:35

You're mean OP. People with straight hair have no idea what life is like when you're cursed with unmanageable frizzy hair. I still yearn for easy hair and I'm retired. Yes that old.
One of my DDs had difficult hair and I helped her in any way I could while she was learning how to deal with it herself.
High school is a minefield and you should be doing all you can to help her cope. And if that means helping with her hair then ffs do it.

Serialweightwatcher · 07/10/2016 18:42

She's not mean at all to not want to do it - for goodness sake no wonder some children are so blumming useless when they become adults - you learn by trying and at High School age it's not mean to expect a child to do more for themselves, which will help them in the long run. Too much pandering done nowadays

hazebaze87 · 07/10/2016 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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