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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not help DD with hair every morning?

198 replies

Ilovehamabeads · 06/10/2016 08:04

She's almost 12 and just started high school. She already gets up 75 mins before she needs to leave and spends about 60 of those minutes dicking around with her hair. She's fallen out with me because apparently everyone else's mum does their dd's hair in the morning, she hates her hair and why can't it be straight like everyone else's.
I never helped when she was at primary school and just don't have the time or inclination to be trialling fancy styles at that time in the morning. While she is doing that, I am downstairs making breakfasts and packed lunch for my younger DS.

Should I be getting her and me up even earlier to do her hair for her? If it's the norm to help your almost 12 year old and I am wrongly neglecting her then I will certainly make the effort. I definitely can't be doing with this drama every day.
Thanks!

OP posts:

Julia001 · 06/10/2016 19:12

I know her pain because I have exactly the same hair, you need to find a decent hairdresser that can cut it into a bob but they have to cut it underneath so that the hair is thinned out but the rest is one length, it took me YEARS to find the answer and this is it. Then she washes it at night and dries and does a bit of straightening, (not GHD's overpriced crap) and it will look lovely and no dicking around.

minipie · 06/10/2016 19:16

It's like every other life skill surely.

You spend some time teaching her how to do it herself. In the short term this is probably harder work than doing it for her. In the longer term it reaps rewards as she doesn't need your help.

If you spend a few hours over a couple of weeks she'll probably be able to do it after that (may require a change of cut if she still can't)

awesomeness · 06/10/2016 19:16

no all young girls wants bobs and i have plenty of teen girls dragged into the salon by their mothers wanting bobs and pixie cuts because their mothers can't be arsed to help them learn, majority of these girls don't want shorter hair and wouldn't suit it.

children need to learn and parents need to teach, if it's beyond your knowledge, use youtube or a hairdressers, but just chopping hair off into a cut a child doesn't want isn't going to help her confidence at all

Thetruthfairy · 06/10/2016 19:25

I'm with Bruce.
I was hoping that in a few years the hair dramas would be a thing of the past. Evidently not.
I'm all for encouraging independence (and gaining some mum time back) in a morning.
I'd be encouraging viewing of YouTube hair tutorials. Good luck :-)

Thissideof40 · 06/10/2016 19:32

DD is 11 and won't let me do her hair very often. I quite like doing her hair at the weekend when we have more time if she'll let me.

Banderwassnatched · 06/10/2016 19:33

I'm 32 and I'm not done with hair dramas, why would a 14 year old be over it? My hair is thick and wavy and tends to be dry. It has taken a long time to learn to control the frizz and I still have the odd day where I'm wearing a hat because my hair is having my life. You can't wear a hat in school.

Zeeandra · 06/10/2016 19:37

I don't do much with DDs hair because I'm really shit at hair. I've watched all the videos and I still can't french plait to save my life. It's a skill I have spend hours of my life practising and never ever got even close to mastering.

I sometimes run the brush through the back for her as her hair is thick and wavy (and has a frequent big ass knot that likes to hide at the back, just like mine) but she can put bobbles in herself.

I taught her to do a basic plait but if she wants one at the back I do it because it takes 2 mins and its much neater if I do it as I can reach.

I wouldn't mess with straighteners and stuff though. I will teach her if she wants (although she isn't touching my GHDs!) but I'm not straightening hair at 7am when I've 2 other kids to worry about. I don't even do my own unless it's a special occasion!

Doilooklikeatourist · 06/10/2016 19:40

Blimey
DD used to get up at 8 and catch the bus at 8-15 with beautiful straight hair and a full face of make up !
No breakfast though ...

Wolpertinger · 06/10/2016 19:55

If she has wavy hair she will prob hate it for several years yet - it took me into my 30s to make peace with my wavy hair.

If the problem is fluffiness then think about doing the curly girl method (loads of advice on the S&B forum) and looking at sites like British curlies for advice. Plus take her to a hairdresser that understands curls.

If she's really driving you nuts then short blunt layers, comb with wide toothed comb + gel and it dries naturally. Diffuser if you want to leave with dry hair. No effort required, maximum curl, takes 5 minutes.

NattyTile · 06/10/2016 19:57

I worked in a boarding school for a while, and some of the girls would ask me to do their hair in the mornings.

Apart from anything else, I think they just needed that tiny bit of 1:1 and a bit of human touch, reassurance they were noticed and worthy of having time spent on them.

Now my child wants me to sometimes, and I'm happy to, provided everything else is done. If she wants my help she needs to help me with something else, then there's time for both of us.

AllTheShoes · 06/10/2016 20:11

IME, when there's a massive fuss about a seemingly minor issue, it's a signal that the child is worrying about something else. Which makes it impossible to fix the minor issue, because you're not actually at the root cause of whatever is making them worry about it. And then you both get frustrated. So I'd suggest a conversation about is there something she's worried about, or people being mean at school etc.

gribak · 06/10/2016 20:17

The hair is most likely just a symptom of the fact that she is trying v hard to adjust to a much bigger school where kids are older, cooler, etc and so hard trying to find your place in all that. I have exactly the same age daughter: Hormones+new school+ new friends etc etc really tough going for them right now!

garlicandsapphire · 06/10/2016 20:20

It gets better! My DD had real tussles with me and herself about her unruly hair, hours of hassle. She is now 16 and has a huge, I mean huge, mop, and is really happy to have tons of options, straight (rarely) wild, top knot... you name it. More time is spent on makeup than hair these days and she manages her own time to get ready for 6th form. They start to enjoy individuality from 15 onwards. Good luck. P...A...T...I...E...N...C...E (I didn't manage much..).

CatHerdingForKicks · 06/10/2016 20:20

My dd1 has crazy hair... doubles in size if she is in the kitchen when the kettles on! Unfortunately she pretty much doesn't care and would walk round looking a total mess permanently if I didn't occasionally force her to let me dry and straighten it; this week I purchased one of the straightener brush jobies, it's not pefect and she's not got the hang of it yet but she certainly looks less shall we say mad professor? Plus it's got an auto shut off! Win 😀

smurfest · 06/10/2016 20:27

Well I've never helped my DD do her hair - she wants in a certain style, she sorts it out. In fact she wouldn't let me touch it.She is pretty good at it.

Does your DD have wavy hair - ? personally i think you can't beat a mane of wavy hair

Dizzybintess · 06/10/2016 20:52

If her hair is long
Get her an acevivi straightening brush. It's fab you just have to brush it through and it smooths the hair flat. She could probably do it herself as its so easy

Moonpuddle · 06/10/2016 21:05

One of my DD's is slightly obsessed with her hair. It's very important to her and she spends hours tending to it....so I can understand your DDs concern.

My advice would be to get a hairdresser to show your DD how to blow dry her hair and to use some hair product. I have similar sounding hair and I use L'Oréal Liss control. It's very light and it doesn't smell. It's fab and makes my hair smooth and frizz free.

AIBU to not help DD with hair every morning?

The2Ateam · 06/10/2016 21:07

She should do her own hair I think. My DD also hates her hair, but I e been telling her for year that soon all the other girls will be wishes for thick hair like hers.

Chickoletta · 06/10/2016 21:19

I love doing DD's hair for her. I agree with PPs who've said that you should do it the evening before and make it a special time - will be far more leisurely than doing it in the morning.

AtiaoftheJulii · 06/10/2016 21:27

Clearly for your DD this is important - therefore it should be important to you too.

In response to those with similar posts to this ... there are plenty of things that are important to my daughters that I couldn't give a shit about I'm not interested in hair, I can do a plait but nothing fancier, and there's no way I'm spending any time practising doing hair. I quite like playing around cutting it or shaving off random bits, so they know they can get me to do that if they want!

My kids have always known they can do whatever they want with their hair - I'll help put the dye on so it doesn't cover the bathroom, and I'll pay the hairdresser, but I don't have to have an opinion or get any further involved. Now I have two daughters with short hair, and one with longer hair who can do all sorts of fancy styles

gillybeanz · 06/10/2016 21:56

YANBU at all, she is 12 and old enough to manage it herself.
Mine has got quite wavy hair now, used to be straight and she hates it.
There is no way she'd expect me to do it for her in the morning. She's at boarding school anyway.
Even during primary years she'd do it herself, I would have helped at this age if she's wanted to.

I do think as others have said you could maybe look at some styles together and sit with her if she wants to practice at a reasonable hour, but too much to expect early morning.

jwpetal · 06/10/2016 21:59

It is wonderful that she wants your help. However, in the morning is too much. Set a time with her at the weekends and in the evening to work out hairstyle ideas. I think it is a bit disingenuous of people who say that when we were young, we just scraped our hair back. I did not. I used curlers and pins and spent a lot time doing my hair (it still looked awful). once I hit secondary school I did it on my own. There is tons of information on youtube and online.

BTW my girls are 7 and do their own hair and help pack their lunches. It is all part of family life.

gillybeanz · 06/10/2016 22:00

I must admit that it seems like parents allow their children to rule the nest these days. Some of these comments are Whacko.

SeenYourArse · 06/10/2016 22:05

As a hairdresser please DONT buy her straighteners and suggest straightening it already! This will come soon enough and it's terrible the amount of teenagers I deal with who have burnt,ruined hair due to over using them. She will no doubt ask for them soon enough anyway so don't encourage it they are terrible for your hair if often used

goodomens830 · 06/10/2016 22:09

What a mean mum. One day she will stop asking for help. She will decide she doesn't want or need you because it was always too much trouble for you. SHE was too much trouble for you. Then you'll wonder when exactly it was you lost your daughter.

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