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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not help DD with hair every morning?

198 replies

Ilovehamabeads · 06/10/2016 08:04

She's almost 12 and just started high school. She already gets up 75 mins before she needs to leave and spends about 60 of those minutes dicking around with her hair. She's fallen out with me because apparently everyone else's mum does their dd's hair in the morning, she hates her hair and why can't it be straight like everyone else's.
I never helped when she was at primary school and just don't have the time or inclination to be trialling fancy styles at that time in the morning. While she is doing that, I am downstairs making breakfasts and packed lunch for my younger DS.

Should I be getting her and me up even earlier to do her hair for her? If it's the norm to help your almost 12 year old and I am wrongly neglecting her then I will certainly make the effort. I definitely can't be doing with this drama every day.
Thanks!

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 09:05

Dds managed to make it to adulthood with jobs and everything even if i did help out with their hair at 12

ScaredFuture99 · 06/10/2016 09:06

To the people that say 'She is your dd, why can't you help her? Esp when it's something so important for her at that age'.

Yes I can see how on paper, it is a good thing to help your DC out when they need it.

But is it really a good idea to help them ALL THE TIME and with EVERYTHING
or is it better to teach them to be independant,
to teach them to accept what they cannot change (And whether yoou hair is straight or wawy is one of them),
to teach them they don't always need mummy or daddy to sort things out for them,
to learn how to deal with what they have been given, in this case learning how to deal with their hair?

Help is a really good thing. But help doesn't mean doing things for people. It means teaching them to do it themselves. That's help. Otherwise, that's called keeping people dependant on you.

HermioneJeanGranger · 06/10/2016 09:08

No, she's not a baby - she's a 12 year old kid who's just starting secondary and wants to look nice. What on EARTH is wrong with asking your mum for help at 12?

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 06/10/2016 09:11

I think this is really about starting a new school rather than hair per se.

I also think a compromise is the way to go. Firstly, perhaps do some research together re looking after her hair to make it more manageable. Then you could agree 2 or 3 quick hairstyles you are prepared to help with on school mornings. There must be some options that would take 5-10mins? Anything more complicated she needs to do herself and could practise at weekends?

diddl · 06/10/2016 09:11

What help does she want?

I'd probably do a plait/french plait, something like that, but not brushing/drying/straightening.

CheerfulYank · 06/10/2016 09:13

Meh, could go either way. :)

If she's genuinely distressed and it's less than ten minutes, fine. But if it's aaaggggeeesss and she freaks out "no not like that" etc etc and you have a million other things to do, I wouldn't.

I honestly cannot do hair. I don't know what my DD is going to do. I can brush it and do a ponytail or braid...that's it. She's only 3 now and has very fine hair cut in a bob so it's not a thing, but someday it might be. However I just cannot see myself waking up earlier than I have to to do some elaborate hairstyle.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 09:14

This isnt about doing everything all the time it is about helping a 12yr old manage her hair nobody a pp said talk to her at night show her youtube or whatever but hair and just starting secondary is a huge deal for them.

MissMargie · 06/10/2016 09:15

I suspect that whatever DM does it won't transform DD's life enough to make her happy, that's the problem.
Possibly finding a hairdresser to advise and suggest and help might be worth trying, not every day but to help find a flattering easier style.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 09:15

I cant do elaborate either but a compromise sure i did that

RiverTam · 06/10/2016 09:20

You didn't even help her when she was at primary? Is helping each other out not something you do in your house, OP?

TheFairyCaravan · 06/10/2016 09:21

But is it really a good idea to help them ALL THE TIME and with EVERYTHING

Where has anyone said that?

I've brought 2 kids up to be independent adults. However, if at 11 they had been upset and distressed over something that might have taken me 10 minutes to fix I'd have done it.

The OP and her DD can spend time watching YouTube videos and the DD can practice in the evening, but it wouldn't hurt the OP to help her until she's confident. And I'd bet the DD would still grow into an independent adult.

Helenluvsrob · 06/10/2016 09:22

" dicking around with her hair" Yep that's about right! I can be out of the door in half the time DD takes and shes " really tired" all the time but can't see that watching less TV and not spending ages doing hair and make up ( to be fair she spends ages to achieve a fabulous " natural" look but, heavens to Betsy , the actually natural look would do too!)

Mines 17. Her choice. This is a battle I have consigned to " the small stuff" and am not sweating it. At least she doesn't expect help.

Interestingly they spend ages fiddling with each others hair at school too even in 6th form she often comes home with french pleats and stuff.

Seriously though:

I don't think " helping her to fit in" is the answer. Yes you could do her hair every day but my experience is get " one thing right" and the in crowd will then find another thing that " you have to have to be in our gang". It's a form of bullying. The best way to cope is learn to not care and float around friendship groups but that's hard to do.

Byefelisha · 06/10/2016 09:25

If you never helped her in primary school then she never learnt how to do it properly. My mum done my hair in primary school pretty much everyday so that when I went to secondary I knew how to do the styles that she had shown me.
Help her out a few times so she knows what styles she can try.
Also YouTube videos are good for this.

ScaredFuture99 · 06/10/2016 09:27

Help is a really good thing. But help doesn't mean doing things for people. It means teaching them to do it themselves. That's help. Otherwise, that's called keeping people dependant on you.

So basically, no don't do her hair every morning. Don't help her IN THAT WAY
But teach her how to do it herself.
Take her to see a hairdresser that can explain (and will be better received that your comments/help) and show her ways of doing her hair that will work and are still easy enough to do on a school day.
Help her to learn to accept her hair the way she is and accept their limitations
Check with her what is the real reason behind the 'I want my hair perfect'. Is it being self conscious, not feeling confident enough, wanting to fit in whatever. Then support her and help her with that.

Doing things FOR people isn't helping. It's doing them a disservice TBH (unless of course, they can't possibly do it themselves. But it's clear this would be a different issue)

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/10/2016 09:27

I'm from a big family and from about 9yrs, my mum said I should do my own hair. It was long and thick and I really struggled with it. So much so, it got very tangled and matted underneath and I was too afraid to tell my mum because I knew she'd be cross that I hadn't been brushing it properly.
When she eventually noticed, I had to have a lot cut off and one of my older sisters was assigned to help me after that.

It's important that a 12 year old can manage to do their own hair on residential trips/sleepovers but I see nothing wrong with a mum helping with hairstyles day to day, especially if your daughter is struggling.

YelloDraw · 06/10/2016 09:38

My mum did my hair for me in plaits until I was about 12 and changed to a high pony tail I could do myself because I preferred the look for secondary school.

I don't see why you wouldn't help her at least learn a few easy to do styles that look nice?

SoupDragon · 06/10/2016 09:42

She has thick hair and finds it hard to do herself.

How is she meant to learn how to look after it herself if her mother does it for her every day?

myownprivateidaho · 06/10/2016 09:44

I have very thick, dry and curly hair, and didn't really work out how to look after it till I was in my 20s. Could you take her to a fancy hairdresser and ask them to give her tips for looking after it everyday? Also don't underestimate the benefit of a high quality hairdryer (e.g. Parlux). Makes a massive amount of difference, and also speeds things up.

BabyGanoush · 06/10/2016 09:45

I help my DS with his hair

he is 13

It sticks up at odd angles and he can't "tame" it, he feels embarrassed.

I put a wet flannel on his head for a bit and/or brush the bits at the back of his head he can't see.

Small thing to do.

You don't need to go full salon on your DD, but who about helping her for 5-10 minutes occasionally?

SoupDragon · 06/10/2016 09:47

DD (10) has poker straight, fine, fly away hair. Down to her waist. I made her learn to look after it herself so she plaits it before bed to minimise knots (and to make it go wavy because, as the owner of poker straight hair, she wants curls!)

Sometimes I'll plait it for her as a "treat" and we did go through a week of ringlets after Victorian Day by putting it in rags every night but the general rule is she has to look after it herself or I will help by chopping it off with my large dressmaking shears :o I won't, and she knows that, but it's no use me doing it for her if she can't then manage it on guide camp and sleepovers etc etc.

ShteakandShpuds · 06/10/2016 09:48

OP, I think if you can prioritise some time in the evenings/weekend to practise some hairstyles with her, she'll be able to get on with it herself in no time.

Look on YouTube for 'easy school hairstyles for thick hair' and try doing them together. I like cutegirlshairstyles and lilleth moon amongst many others.

Once she's got the hang of basic plaiting, braiding, knotting etc. she'll be able to make up her own funky styles.

It's just another skill that takes a bit of practise, like learning to ride a bike.

I wonder how many of the judgy buggers on here can easily do a five strand plait or waterfall braid?

imnotreally · 06/10/2016 09:48

Depends what she wants you to do I suppose. If she wants a French braid then I'd do it for her. If she wants all sorts of fancy styles I'd leave her to do it herself.

daisypond · 06/10/2016 09:51

I do think it's odd to have your mum do your hair at 12 and I'm not surprised you don't want to faff around with hair in the morning. I've got older teenage girls and I haven't done their hair since they were about eight or nine, and nor have they asked. What sort of styles does she want? At secondary school all the girls with long hair used to put it in a ponytail. Can she not do this herself? On my work commute I see lots of young secondary school pupils, and they all have ponytails, or sometimes they sit on the train and do French braids on each other's hair.

goodapple · 06/10/2016 09:54

I stopped helping my daughter with her hair when she was about 12, not because I minded helping but I couldn't bear all the shouting and blaming me for not getting it right (in the 2 minutes before she needed to leave for school). After lots of discussion I told her that she needed to get it cut short or learn to do it herself (which I would help her to do).

Cutting was not an option for her, so as others have suggested, we asked the hairdresser for suggestions, watched YouTube videos and for Christmas / birthday she got a hairdryer, straighteners and one of these which she never leaves the house without. At nearly 15 now she has lovely long hair that she is very proud of. She does get up very early in the morning to get it right and spends most of her pocket money on hair masks and other weird things but these are her choices and we no longer have the big drama every morning.

MrsJayy · 06/10/2016 10:03

I found a great hairdresser for dd hairdresser had the same hair as dd wavy curly and dry as a stick so now at 18 dd has all sorts of lotions and potions for it and if all else fails stick a bow in it. A little bit of help goes a long way imo nobody has time to be a hairdresser in the morning but you could take time to notice she is not happy with her hair so she can do it herself.

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