Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not help DD with hair every morning?

198 replies

Ilovehamabeads · 06/10/2016 08:04

She's almost 12 and just started high school. She already gets up 75 mins before she needs to leave and spends about 60 of those minutes dicking around with her hair. She's fallen out with me because apparently everyone else's mum does their dd's hair in the morning, she hates her hair and why can't it be straight like everyone else's.
I never helped when she was at primary school and just don't have the time or inclination to be trialling fancy styles at that time in the morning. While she is doing that, I am downstairs making breakfasts and packed lunch for my younger DS.

Should I be getting her and me up even earlier to do her hair for her? If it's the norm to help your almost 12 year old and I am wrongly neglecting her then I will certainly make the effort. I definitely can't be doing with this drama every day.
Thanks! Smile

OP posts:
EllyMayClampett · 06/10/2016 10:14

What does helping her with her hair mean? Does it mean popping it in a pony tail or braiding it? Or does it mean a blow-out every morning?

My DDs don't want my help because as a curly haired person who wears her hair naturally, I haven't got a clue.

monkeywithacowface · 06/10/2016 10:14

I feel sad for her. Clearly it bothers her and she would just like a bit of help from her mum. I don't think it would kill you to give her ten minutes of your time in the morning if it makes her feel betters. It's not like she's being lazy she's just struggling

RhodaBorrocks · 06/10/2016 10:17

Get on pinterest and look for easy styles for thick/wavy hair, especially ones that say 5 or 10 minutes etc. Then sit down with her on an afternoon or evening (weekend?) and help her practice. Be there to guide, to suggest tweaks or alternatives but ultimately help her do it herself and get good at it.

I'd say get her competant at a few favourites. After that she will be more confident to practice new ideas by herself.

But I say from experience, practicing is the only way to get good and quick at these things. I used to be really crap at make up, couldn't do a smoky eye until I was nearly 30 etc. The advent of the YouTube beauty bloggers was great for me - tutorials galore! I'm still no expert, but I can do a basic every day contour in under 5 minutes now.

AnyTheWiser · 06/10/2016 10:21

I'm with the independence approach - if she cannot manage it at 12, it's too long, and she will need to have it trimmed to a manageable length.
My dd is 10, and still asks me to do it everyday because it's easier.
It's very long thick hair.
Well- she has been away twice for whole weeks without parents, and managed. She can do it, she even had to wash and dry it herself. It's easier to ask mummy Hmm
She has been warned, and I have shown her how to do it. I give her chance to practise, and she has to brush the knots out herself. A secondary school aged child without some underlying additional need should be able to take care of their own toilette!

Fancy styles, fine, even adults need assistance as reaching can be hard. But there is no need for fancy styles on a school day.

usual · 06/10/2016 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 06/10/2016 10:27

I think helping her in a way that makes her more independent is the way to go, rather than just doing it for her and thank f*ck I only have boys.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 06/10/2016 10:34

My 12 yr DD does her own hair (up at 6am, an hour before we need to leave) and has done so since she was about 8. This is because I am apparently so rubbish at it that she HAD to learn herself. Which she did, took loads of practice but now she is excellent at French braids, Dutch braids, Heidi plaits, fishtail, curling and everything in between. She even does her friends hair when she gets to school. So no YANBU, but if she really wants her mum to help her, help her.

usual · 06/10/2016 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 06/10/2016 10:38

I'd help her because I don't think you automatically know how to look after your hair and style it. You have to learn. So either spend time at night trying different styles, etc, or arrange an appointment with a hairdresser to teach her the best shampoos; styling techniques, etc.

BeMorePanda · 06/10/2016 10:42

My DD is 8 and has thick corkscrew curls.
She has been looking after it and styling it herself all year.

I do still help my 5yo though.

Who needs a different style for school everyday? Maybe she needs a shorter cut so she can manage it herself.

EllyMayClampett · 06/10/2016 10:42

I agree with the posters suggesting to keep it to a manageable length and encourage sensible styles like pony tails. No need for Essex babe blow outs or complex wedding party hair.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/10/2016 10:43

I usually do my DD's most mornings. It's thick and wavy (probably needs 'thinning', how was I supposed to know that was a thing? My own hair is dead straight and appropriately abundant. Grin). I probably wouldn't still be doing it if she was fussy, but she's not - either a simple side plait or brushed back into a highish pony ready for her to bun it. I do it because she has to be at the bus-stop early, and while she's perfectly capable of doing it herself now I can do it quicker. And a few minutes in the morning during which I can ask her what time she's planning on coming home etc or just chat, while she gives the dog an extra cuddle is pleasant.

She's 17 ... I'm going to miss this little ritual this time next year.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 06/10/2016 10:45

When DD3 visits me, she'll often ask me to style her hair for her. I think that with her it's more of a bonding thing.

ample · 06/10/2016 10:51

A bad hair day is the least of your worries but it's a big deal to your DD. I don't see the drama in it. If it were me, I would help. And if you did then surely that would cut down on the amount of time you say she's faffing with her hair?

I'm sure your DD is able to manage her own hair when she's away from home (we can manage when we have to) but she's 12, at home, and asking for help. My advice would be to make some time for this as before long she'll be all grown up.

I would miss combing my DD's hair.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 06/10/2016 10:53

I actively discouraged my mother from going anywhere near my head. Having her brush my hair was like being clawed by an angry badger.

icanteven · 06/10/2016 10:56

My two are smaller than the OP's daughter, but both have bum-length hair and they're still at an age where simply have to do it for them - two plaits most mornings, unless they request otherwise.

I know it's crazy long, and I'm happy to help for as long as they need it. My Mum didn't help with my (crap, fine) hair when I was a young teen, and I had no idea how to make it look pretty - no internet back then! If having awesome hair makes my 12 year old feel more sure of herself at school when she is that age, then I will do everything I can to help her.

Fiddling around upstairs for 75 mins without actually achieving anything would be off the cards! OP - I would learn a few fab styles off youtube (are inverted braids etc. too 6 months ago now? What does your DD want?) and get them down pat so you can get her done in 10 mins. Soon enough she won't even want you to talk to her, let alone stroke her hair, so I'd embrace it while you can! :)

specialsubject · 06/10/2016 10:57

offer her your help - she gets five minutes which is plenty of time to do a plait, a ponytail, two plaits or whatever. Take it or leave it. As the owner of loathed curly hair (not any more - thanks, Wellastrate!) I empathise, but for now she has a plait.

You don't care what other mums do - why should you?

lottieandmia · 06/10/2016 10:57

YANBU - my dd is also 12 and has very thick hair so she finds it difficult to do it by herself. Luckily for me though she only wants it put up in a high ponytail. Even so, i have told her I can only do it if she gets up in time.

lalaloopyhead · 06/10/2016 11:11

I think it depends on what kind of help she needs, to be fair it might be a lot quicker to do her hair with assistance.
A quick pony tail or even a quick straighten on a morning is not going to hurt anyone is it? I didn't allow my dd's to have their own hair straighteners until they were 14, so I would on occasion do it for them.

DD 3 who is 9 on the other hand much prefers the dragged through a hedge backwards look and I won't let me near her with a comb and a bobble!

cauliwobbles · 06/10/2016 11:17

I blow dry DSs hair each morning because he's a vain little sod. He's 12 too. I also have 2 other children to get ready. I enjoy it. He's grateful and I think before long it'll be the only physical contact we'll have as he isn't much of a cuddler anymore.

Can you look at it as bonding time rather than a chore?

EllyMayClampett · 06/10/2016 12:04

Problem is, there is nothing "quick" about straightening long, thick, curly hair.

Original poster
Ilovehamabeads · 06/10/2016 12:35

Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated to understand the different viewpoints even those who think IABU Smile
I'll have a look on YouTube with her, see if we can find something suitable that she could manage herself now or with practice and a little help initially from me.
Her hair isn't thick, just longish and wavy, and VERY fluffy round the hairline (this is her main bone of contention, as 'everyone else's' is flat and glossy!). She's been plaiting and doing her own hair for several years now, of course I helped when she was younger.
I don't want her going to school angry each day. I can't change her hair no matter how much she hates it, so we will find some compromise. Asking her hairdresser is a great idea, thanks for that suggestion.

OP posts:
EllyMayClampett · 06/10/2016 12:50

It sounds like she needs some help accepting herself as she is. We all tend to want a hair texture that we don't have. Perhaps finding examples of beautiful women with hair curly right at the root? I found this link, if it helps:
www.thexerxes.com/natural-curly-hairstyles/

Adolescence is a tough time. As we grow up, we discover that we only have limited control over what we look like. There are limits to styling, exercising, dieting, etc. The trick is to not get upset about the stuff that isn't really a problem. Any hair texture can be attractive, any skin colour looks good, brown eyes really are as pretty as blue, etc.

Jumpmom1 · 06/10/2016 18:06

I would help her, she's at age where image is everything (rightly or wrongly). Not more than 10/15 mins. Gives you's a bit of time to chat as well.

MrsMerchant · 06/10/2016 18:13

How lovely that she still wants you to do this. Do her hair. Get up earlier. These moments are priceless. She's still a child but not for much longer.