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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..or is SIL?

243 replies

summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:37

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. Hmm AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

OP posts:
MrsHulk · 08/09/2016 09:40

You don't need to get stressed about this: just tell her straight that you will not be able to look after her children as you will need to focus on your newborn.

She's making a very bizarre assumption, and the sooner you put her right the better.

Bestthingever · 08/09/2016 09:42

Has she actually said she expects it or are you assuming that's her expectation?

MrsJoeyMaynard · 08/09/2016 09:43

You need to tell her asap that you're not going to be able to look after her children plus your newborn.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:43

MIL asked her yesterday what her working hours would be, and she replied, "I don't know yet, but seeing as summerskittles91 will be home for the year it doesn't matter"

MIL then passed this onto me, and is now wondering why I'm pissed off.

OP posts:
Elllicam · 08/09/2016 09:46

Is there any way you could move out? Seems a very stressful situation.

WunWegWunDarWun · 08/09/2016 09:46

She is being utterly ridiculous to think you'd look after her two children while you're on maternity leave.

ParanoidGynodroid · 08/09/2016 09:46

Tell her you need to discuss your childminding rates with her before she returns to work, £10p/h per child seems reasonable. Or tell her you're looking forward to her returning the favour when you go work. She'll soon get the idea.

Your SIL is being unreasonable.

Greyponcho · 08/09/2016 09:46

She's expecting you to be nanny by the sounds of it.
Unless she's paying you a nanny wage & you've agreed to it, then she's a cheeky cow BU

Vulty · 08/09/2016 09:48

Nope. BIG nope. You are having your first child, you're last couple of months before giving birth should be spent relaxing. NOT running about after someone elses kids. Having your first child is an experience that you can't do over again. I think someone needs a boot up the bum back into reality

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 08/09/2016 09:48

YANBU, maybe it's time for you and DH to move out and leave them to it.

It sounds quite crowded and stressful.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:50

She often takes advantage of myself and MIL when it comes to minding her children. We just don't get asked, SIL just assumes we should be doing it. Her eldest DC won't even be in full time school yet either D:

If I say something to her she'll know MIL told me whats she's said. I asked MIL why she didn't say anything back to her and as always she says it's because she's scared of any confrontation with SIL as BIL works away most of the time, so anytime SIL gets in a strop about something she just texts BIL about petty things and plays the victim. He then has a go at MIL which isn't fair on her either.

MIL is also currently on sick but is still expected to look after SIL's DC whilst she really doesn't do much.

OP posts:
Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 08/09/2016 09:50

Suggest a going rate for child minding her kids - ask her how many hours wages you will be getting. Then laugh and tell her to feck off.

WunWegWunDarWun · 08/09/2016 09:52

Even better. Pretend to know nothing about it and act very surprised and confused when she brings it up.

Hopefully she won't bring it up until she starts work, then you can go out in advance of her leaving.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/09/2016 09:53

Move out?

Tbh if I was your MIL I'd be packing your SIL's bags...

c3pu · 08/09/2016 09:53

Ask her outright what she's going to be doing for childcare when she goes back to work.

If she asks you to do it, thank her for offer of the job as a childminder but politely refuse as you don't want the responsibility or whatever.

LilQueenie · 08/09/2016 09:54

Why does she have to live there and why hasn't your MIL kicked her out? What does your partner say? Can he not speak to his brother.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:54

I wish moving out was an option, but this is something me and DH discussed before we got married and moved in with his family. He had made it clear he wanted to stay with his parents and brother. At the time I said it was fine and it has been ok mostly so far.

He just failed to mention how difficult it would be with SIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:56

MIL has always said she only puts up with SIL to keep her son happy.

We are indian, so culture and so on always has an impact. I honestly don't know how long MIL can put up with SIL taking advantage. But she says she'll do it just so she doesn't loose her son.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 08/09/2016 09:56

Why are you all living there? Is there any way you could afford to move out. It sounds utterly hellish. Any chance mil is putting the cat amongst the pigeons so you are the one to stand up & have it out with sil?
In honesty I'd rather live in a bedsit than have to juggle all this family. I'm a bit stroppy though.

purplefox · 08/09/2016 09:57

Unless you tell her no she's just going to take advantage of you.

MrsBrent · 08/09/2016 09:57

The problem is where you may be happy to help her out on the odd day or if your doing something nice, that all goes out the window under the assumption you'll do it day in day out.

"Sorry I won't have time between baby groups and health visitors"
"I don't know what I'm doing with this one yet let alone yours!"

No is a complete sentence but you do live with these people and I suppose you need to bare in mind you might need their help - but that doesn't mean they can take the piss. If your brave "I can do the odd day if your child minder lets you down, but I can't be your child minder"
But that does open you to piss taking if she's that way inclined.

You need to tell her now next time she brings it up

icelollycraving · 08/09/2016 09:59

Sorry cross posted. If your husband won't speak to his brother then you have to sort things yourself. I expect there will be fireworks though!

MrsJoeyMaynard · 08/09/2016 09:59

If I say something to her she'll know MIL told me whats she's said.

So ask her something similar to what MIL asked her. Ask her how many days she'll be working, and ask when she's going to start looking at nurseries / childminders.

If she's assuming you'll do it, she'll probably say so then. If she doesn't and just looks a bit blank when you mention childcare, leap in with remarks about how you won't be able to look after her DC because you'll be too busy with your own new born baby.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 08/09/2016 10:00

'Sorry that doesn't work for me'. End of discussion. You need to nip this in the bid, now.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 08/09/2016 10:01

*bud

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