Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..or is SIL?

243 replies

summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:37

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. Hmm AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

OP posts:
Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 10:28

Thank you for all your responses. I really need to have a proper chat with DH. If things don't change soon, it's gonna be too late I guess.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 08/09/2016 10:29

Sadly, it doesn't sound like living together is going to work as you need to all 'give and take' but SIL will just 'take'. She's not someone you can live with and avoid upset - either yours or hers/BILs.

So decide, are you going to just suck it up, or accept SIL/BIL will have to be the ones upset.

I would just face SIL now, "SIL, MIL has told me you expect me to do childcare for you when you return to work, just to let you know that no, that's not happening. Best you make other plans that don't include me. I really have no intention of fitting around you and don't want to be an unpaid childminder." Then let the fireworks happen.

Worse case situation, your DH accepts that living with BIL & SIL doesn't work, and you move out. (or BIL & SIL move out, even better!)

Most likely, SIL will huff and puff, then accept that she has to make plans that don't include you in the future.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2016 10:32

What does "it's gonna be too late" mean? Please. Stick up for yourself. Sit down and tell her NO.

pictish · 08/09/2016 10:33

Just tell her! It's ok to say no...honestly it is. You are a person too...you matter.

DinosaursRoar · 08/09/2016 10:33

That all said, perhaps worth thinking that if you are all going to live together, lines of responsibility re children, housework, cooking etc won't really be easy to enforce as you would if you had separate homes. Serious chats with DH about how he sees family life working now you are the parents, not the children of the family anymore.

MorrisZapp · 08/09/2016 10:33

If you choose this kind of living arrangement and marry a man who leaves you to battle his family alone this is how your life will be.

RunningLulu · 08/09/2016 10:34

If you are Indian go and stay with your parents post-baby. If they in India even better. She can't make you do shit if you aren't there.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 10:34

I wish you could all live in my house for a week and see what it's actually like.

It's frustrating that I get on so well with MIL, my only problem is the fact that she puts up with SIL and FIL, BIL AND DH are lead to believe SIL is this saint of some sort.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 08/09/2016 10:37

It sounds like you've already admitted defeat really. Come on, stand up for yourself as it doesn't sound like your dh will really do much. Is this what you'd want for your daughter?

RunningLulu · 08/09/2016 10:38

Oh and definitely raise this in a family meeting. Tell sil clearly in front of everybody what mil told you (because she could be stirring) and make it very clear that you cannot do this, and is very selfish expecting this from you.

Arfarfanarf · 08/09/2016 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confuugled1 · 08/09/2016 10:40

Skip SIL.

Get your DH to have a chat with BIL when he's next home. Say how worried he is about MIL, she's getting older, not so able to chase around the school any more and ask how their Dc are looking forward to going to nursery/childminder, have they found a nice one, was there a problem getting in waiting lists or were there plenty of spaces. Just as if it had never occurred to him that there would be any other options other than nursery or childminder.

Then when BIL says no, OP is doing it, your dh can laugh and say very funny, good joke. What are you really doing? If he persists in saying you then he can put his foot down and say no way, you won't be ruining your precious first months with your baby by being an unpaid childminder.
If he then says your mil your dh can point out again that mil isn't up to it and that they're just going to have to fork out for childcare like everyone else.

If bil says they're looking for a nursery or cm then you can rest easy and if SIL says anything you can just say that bil had said that they were getting a nursery or cm and that they know that you're not going to be able to do it and nor is mil.

RunningLulu · 08/09/2016 10:40

OP I'm Indian too. I have lived in a difficult extended family too, one where sil was put on a pedastal & I treat them exactly like mine & don't take any shit. You have an advantage here in that mil supports you, use it.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 10:41

I will chat with DH and make it clear he needs to talk to BIL about future child care arrangements. If he refuses then I will have to discuss it with SIL/MIL.

Just wish I'd never committed to stayed together forever.

OP posts:
RunningLulu · 08/09/2016 10:42

PM Me if you would like to discuss specifics.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 10:42

FIL and MIL would never allow a childminder. It just wouldn't happen. More so, BIL and SIL think by living together MIL is a live in childminder.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 08/09/2016 10:44

summer, you can stay together forever, just not there. the pair of you need to move out.

RiverTam · 08/09/2016 10:48

well, FIL doesn't get a say as he's not the one providing childcare as well as holding down a job. Doesn't he care about his sick wife? Does anyone, apart from you? Doesn't sound like it.

Maybe you and MIL could get a place together and leave the rest of them to it!

MorrisZapp · 08/09/2016 10:49

Do you mean you've committed to stay with dh, or your in laws?

You don't actually have to do either. You have chosen it.

If your own husband puts his sister in laws word above that of his wife, perhaps he's not the man he led you to think he was when you agreed to marry.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 08/09/2016 10:50

Oh dear another woman that goes along with shit stuff for the sake of the men in her life.

Basically your Dh and his brother have failure to fly the nest and start their new families up, and you and sil have to just suck it up.

Sadly it's always going to be YOU that gets the shitty end of the stick because your so passive. Your mil has played a great hand here too :- managing to keep her boys at home whilst tbeir wives play second fiddle to the whole lot of them. Your mil should have kept her mouth firmly SHUT if she didn't want it repeating. What she is doing is being a go between and causing trouble under the guise of being helpful.

Maybe your SIL spotted this and just thought 'fuck the lot of you' and takes the piss because she knows your going to be on hand being everyone's lap dog.

I hope you don't have daughters you are going to pass the passive way of living too.

op my best friend puts up with shot like this and I get so frustrated that she would kick back and start sticking up for herself.

Your feelings and time are just as valuable as every other person in that person in your house. Don't put yourself last. People only treat us how we let them.

It's ok to tell your Dh that actually this situation is working for you any more. A loving mature father and husband will be able to understand this.

Don't let this fester. Talk to your sil, who cares if she finds out mil said something. This is important and needs discussing. Let your Sil know she will have to start looking for alternitive care ASAP. Don't be passive or get manipulated Flowers

SandyY2K · 08/09/2016 10:52

Why don't you slip in to conversation with SIL, that you're so happy your manager is understanding and can accommodate you returning part time, as you're undecided about taking the full year off.

Say that being at home for a whole year with the baby is likely to drive you up the wall. So this is the perfect solution.

Then just smile and say "I need to go to the loo".

YANBU

Brankolium · 08/09/2016 10:56

Could you and MIL make a weekly timetable between that shows a few times when you will be in and don't mind helping with her children, and times when you might be in but can't be doing her childcare so she will need to find other options?

LightDrizzle · 08/09/2016 11:05

Poor MIL, from my Indian friends (who dodged living with in-laws) I gathered that when sons married and brought home their wives, it was to do most of the work while MIL got her turn in the sun as matriarch. How come MIL has ended up as Cinderella?
Confuugled is bang on, you need to frame this around MIL, and how her health and well-being are being compromised and things need to change permanently at home to lighten her load. Childcare should be raised in that context with the fact that you will also not be able to help out thrown in as an aside.
If BIL and SIL pressure you and DH throws you under the bus, which looks possible, then you MUST be firm and weather their disapproval. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for years of misery and s blighted post-partum with your little bundle.
I do feel bad for MIL too, time for her to be a bit cherished I think. If her PFB is at all for culture, he can stop dodging his responsibilities and move back home and help raise his family and make sure his mother is respected not treated like a doormat.
Thank fuck your MIL is nice and you have a good relationship. Combine and be strong against SIL's brass neck.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 08/09/2016 11:06

brankolium. Why exactly would the op do that?

summer. I wish you could all live in my house for a week and see what it's actually like. Errr. No thanks. Just imagining it is giving me the rage. You do not have to live there. Move out. Your DH can choose YOU & HIS BABY or this nightmare situation.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 08/09/2016 11:07

MIL isn't that nice. She didn't exactly laugh & tell the SIL to think again when she said summer could look after her kids.

Swipe left for the next trending thread