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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..or is SIL?

243 replies

summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:37

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. Hmm AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2016 15:12

So, you all live in the house for free, and have no childcare costs.
Where does all the money earnt from working go?

diddl · 08/09/2016 15:13

Have you mentioned this to your husband?

Surely he would understand that you want to concentrate on your own baby??

Fourfifthsof · 08/09/2016 15:26

Forgive my ignorance but how feasible would it be for you to stay with your own parents after the baby is born? With your DH, not separate from him of course...

You can always explain to your ILs that you want to be near your own mother for the first few weeks, which I think is reasonable? That way you have some time with your DH and new baby away from the chaos of your current situation.

I really hope your DH backs you up.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 15:27

arethereanyleftatall

I saved all my money previously, and helped pay off DH's loans. Quite a substantial amount. I pay monthly for a car (DH's as he's using mine whilst his business gets up an running) I save x amount each month. I also spend a lot for the house. I'm usually buying the practical things we may need. I spend a bit on myself

SIL - I have no idea where her money goes.
BIL - he owns a house in the city where he works, so he pays a mortgage and so on for that, he stays there when at work.
DH - All his money went on paying off certain loans, and his car, now he's self employed so he puts all his money back into the business as he's had to take a loan to start it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 15:28

Staying with my parents isn't a full time option. I will take the baby there for 2 weeks at some point, but moving back in would cause major problems with my in laws.

OP posts:
WorkAccount · 08/09/2016 15:37

but moving back in would cause major problems with my in laws.

Ok who do you want to be most miserable?

  1. you
  2. everyone else

as there is no way you are going to keep both sets happy.
How many people on this thread are going to have to tell you that before you stop looking for the magical "keep everyone happy" solution?

diddl · 08/09/2016 15:39

" but moving back in would cause major problems with my in laws."

I'm tempted to say "so what"?

If you would be happier there & it would be convenient then it seems the obvious thing to do.

What problems would you envisage from your ILs?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 08/09/2016 15:40

I think you need to confide in someone you can trust, have a chat with your dad, ask him what would he do if he was in this position?

Idratherbeaunicorn · 08/09/2016 15:41

I know you've said that moving in with your parents isn't a full time option - however, if it was possible (ie - as long as it's not an issue with your mum being unwell) maybe you could play the "I'm about to give birth and I need to be near my own family / mother?"
I'm sorry I cant offer anything more insightful :(

emilywemily · 08/09/2016 15:45

Are you of a certain culture OP?

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 15:46

Me saying I want to move back in with my parents in our culture is like saying, I want this marriage to end. Thats not at all what i'd be implying. It just isn't the done thing unfortunately. And to be honest I don't think my dad would think it's a good idea. The last thing they'd really want is to interfere with my in laws.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 08/09/2016 15:48

Your in-laws don't own you OP. I know it's your culture but is it worth it?

mypropertea · 08/09/2016 15:50

How will you be able to do all the fun baby groups? You can't take her kids to a baby massage class/baby sensory ect. She is being very unreasonable and selfish. Get your DH to text his brother first "I am worried encase you have your wires crossed.... Shore you understand but just thought I would check"

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 15:54

So, DH says he can't say anything and that I should relay this back to MIL and expect her to tell SIL how it should be. MIL has said she doesn't want to say anything to SIL and that we will see what happens at the time.

Sad
OP posts:
coconutpie · 08/09/2016 15:54

Emily - op is Indian.

OP - your in laws are not the boss of you. This household sounds like absolute chaos - how can you want your DC growing up in such a horrible environment? Once baby arrives, you will be tired, emotional and recovering from labour as well as dealing with a baby, you do not want shit from in-laws to be added to the pile. Sort this out now. You tried living with the in-laws, it has not worked. Move out. What can DH do - force you to stay there against your will? You are not a prisoner. Why do you think you can't run a household? It's totally manageable!

diddl · 08/09/2016 15:58

I think that you are in danger of doing the childcare to keep everyone.

To keep SIL off MIL's back, so that MIL doesn't have to do it herself, so that your husband doesn't have to say anything to his brother.

It's hard to believe that people live like this.

Is there anyone in that house who actually cares about you?

winewolfhowls · 08/09/2016 15:59

Definitely talk to your dad, a problem shared and all that. could you use the reason of your mum being unwell as a reason to 'temporarily' move back home, to look after her but then just keep staying there. Also, you say upthread that you couldn't run a house but you easily could.

Has it occurred to you that perhaps sil is behaving like this to deliberately force you out?

Fishface77 · 08/09/2016 16:00

Ah man op!
It's tough but in some ways you've made a rod for your own back.
I think I'm the same culture as you and this is normal.
You have to be cleverer and more manipulative than the next person is how my Sil put it.
Trust me, keeping quiet is doing you no favours. The girls that "speak up" or "kick of" in my experience, are the ones that get what they want. Stop being scared of rocking the boat. Call it as you see it.
Tell her you're looking forward to baby club and ask her if she's booked of time in the first 4-6 weeks as you'll need her help and then you'll be doing your own thing.
The money thing....your DH needs to be reined in. It's ok setting up your own business but what are YOU getting out of it? Secretly record your Sil speaking to your mil and show it to your husband and bil. You have nothing else to lose except your sanity.
Most of all, live your own life as far as possible. Go out and about more, cook and eat your own food (start while your pregnant and carry it on). Don't answer/make decisions/ask opinions of and to anyone except your DH.
PM me if you need to talk.

winewolfhowls · 08/09/2016 16:01

Your DH is a nob. How dare he treat you like this? It's time you got mad and realised you and Mil deserve better. You sound really nice, don't waste your life you only get one go at it.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 08/09/2016 16:02

Sounds like you have a choice.

Don't say anything to SIL, and in all likelihood be lumbered with looking after her kids plus your baby, while getting more unhappy and resentful about it all.

Or, tell SIL she has to organise childcare as you won't do it, and be prepared for fireworks and her to paint you as the bad guy. Obviously easier if DH and MIL have your back.

Piniatapearl · 08/09/2016 16:04

Do you really want to bring a child up in this situation?

It sounds like your dh is second best to his brother and your children will be second best to their cousins.

I'd be moving out before the baby arrived, with or without your dh.

NerrSnerr · 08/09/2016 16:05

OP running a household is not hard, I am not domesticated at all and we do fine. You'll soon get to grips with it. I understand it's your culture but you don't need to live with your inlaws. You have a baby on the way and they are your priority. How can you give your child the time and attention you want to when on maternity leave when you are caring for the others?

You need to tell your husband you want to move out. If he says no then I'd go alone. It doesn't sound like you're living the life you want.

Fourfifthsof · 08/09/2016 16:07

Summer you have a DH problem not an IL problem.

I'm afraid you need to really stick up for yourself with all of them if you don't want to lose out on the first few weeks with your newborn, during which time you will be too knackered to look after someone else's kids if my experience is anything to go by!

Why is no-one making you a priority?

If you had the choice between looking after SILs kids or going to your parents for a couple of weeks, with all of the associated potential arguments to both, what would you choose?

I don't fully understand the cultural implications but I understand that your DH needs to make you and his baby his priority and sort this mess out.

Good luck.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 16:12

For all of those wondering, I am Sikh, and culture/tradition/religion is pretty big for us. It makes trying to do anything 100000 times more difficult. I've probably outed myself massively with everything I've said anyway so telling everyone my religion is going to make much difference.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 08/09/2016 16:17

OMG OP, how can you be sure you won't be bailing out dh all your life Shock WTF were you doing paying off HIS debts, I bet he thinks you're a right push over.
This is no way to start out with a baby and believe me I know what it's like to have no money.
You need to get out of there and stand on your own two feet, it must be awful all living together like that, with very little privacy. Your dh is a nob and you'd be far better off raising your child on your own.
Has something awful happened to you in your past to make you think this is normal and the right way for people to treat you? So sorry, you deserve better.