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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..or is SIL?

243 replies

summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:37

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. Hmm AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

OP posts:
MrsBrent · 08/09/2016 10:02

Cross posted, after your new posts. don't tell her you'll help her out she will take the piss.

You need this out now "whose looking after your kids?" But do make sure mil backs you otherwise it will be assumed she will do it

MrsHulk · 08/09/2016 10:02

I think with a pisstaker like that you just need to be really straight.

Next time you're chatting, ask her straight out what her plans are for childcare once she's back at work. If she says you'll do it, look appropriately shocked and say there's no way you'll be able to! If she says mil will do it, look concerned and ask whether mil is really well enough and emphasise again you won't be available to help her.

Maybe leave it a week if you don't want it to be obvious mil told you what was said :)

Also make sure your DH is aware and on board first.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 10:04

It's the fireworks I'm worried about, If i say something to SIL she will tell BIL straightaway, and considering he's hardly home and very unaware of how things are at home, I'll just get blamed for starting problems.

SIL has only paid for childcare in the past because her and MIL had one clash for working hours so her eldest DC had to be in nursery for 3 hours on one day. When she was entitled to the free 15 hours she obviously used them, but every other time since then MIL has looked after her.

Before me and DH got married and SIL returned to work. MIL used to watch eldest DC from 7:30 am - 4:30pm and then work from 5:00pm to 10pm on certain days. SIL was only part time. Why she made that compromise in the first place is beyond me, but I feel like since then SIL has assumed MIL will bend over backwards for her DC.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/09/2016 10:05

Well in some ways with you all living together it doesn't seem that ridiculous an assumption.

Presumably if you just don't do it it will fall to MIL?

justilou · 08/09/2016 10:07

You need to write yourself a list of fake excuses to rattle off whenever she thinks she's leaving her herd with you. Ie... Sorry... "Not today, I'm taking MIL to the doctor." Or "I've got an appointment at the bank" etc.... Things you can randomly pull out of the air so that she begins to realize that you are not dangling around waiting for her to toddle off leaving you with the kids. The list gives you the opportunity to come up with something quickly and tick them off so you don't use them too often. I use this when I talk to my mother.

FrancisCrawford · 08/09/2016 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 08/09/2016 10:09

Your DH needs to step up and tell his brother that neither their sick mother nor his wife will be looking after his (BIL's) children and he and DIL need to sort out childcare.

I appreciate that Indian culture is a lot to do with this, but it's 2016, for heaven's sake. You and your MIL are not your SIL's skivvies.

Arfarfanarf · 08/09/2016 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 08/09/2016 10:09

He and SIL

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2016 10:10

I know you come from a very different culture. For me, this would be my idea of hell and no way would I agree to live long term with family. However, you've decided to and I hope you get on well with your mil. I don't know if this would appeal to you, however, if I were financially able, I think I'd consider moving out myself with or without your dh. I wouldn't do it in secret but after discussions with the family and I'm not talking about leaving him. If he knows how unhappy you are, will your dh look to your best interests and that of your first baby? This should be such an exciting time. Not worry about looking after 2 preschool children and a newborn. She cannot rely on you this is crazy.

icelollycraving · 08/09/2016 10:11

Well there will be fireworks but what's the alternative? I'd always want to show my dh,mil & children that I will stand up for what is right. The alternative is you're an unpaid nanny,no thanks. If your mil chooses to be so subservient to her dil that is her choice too. Maybe flip it to sil & say you're returning to work asap as she's off already. Stand up for yourself & get your dh to stick up for you. Tell him you agreed to live there but your opinion is as important as sil & if it isn't in the home you want to live as a married couple elsewhere. Good luck!

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2016 10:11

Why can't your DH stand up to his brother?

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 10:12

diddl

I get we live together, but I can 100% bet that if asked her to look after my DC for 5 minutes she would make a 101 excuses.

I'm now ashamed to admit that I actually took time out of my job when SIL's second DC was born to help out at home. This included taking her eldest DC to nursery, feeding her, showering her. As well keeping the house clean, cooking and helping MIL bath the new born and so on. I've pretty much just bought this on myself. I very much doubt she will even take a day off when my DC is born.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2016 10:15

Your Sil is creating fireworks to keep you all in line. You can beat this if you all create a united front. And your dh stands up to his brother and says no more, mil is ill and summerskittles can't do it, they will have to find alternative childcare. They chose to bring the children into the world. They need to find a solution.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2016 10:17

Some people will just take the piss. We don't see my Sil very often but she's just the same and I know if we lived closer, she'd be palming her child onto me. It would never be the other way around even though I'm chronically ill.

IceBeing · 08/09/2016 10:17

I agree that you need to separate out your problems and your MIL problems. You can't solve your MIL's problems for her...she has to do that.

So set you own boundaries (with your DH backing you up) and then leave everyone else to negotiate what they can tolerate amongst themselves.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 10:19

DH worships the ground BIL walks on. They have always been close and I admire that. I just don't always think DH see's the fact that what BIL does or says is always right.

BIL is choosing to work away from home, because he can't be bothered with his own children. He is under the impression his wife is doing everything and running the house whilst he is at work. Little does he know that MIL probably does 90% of the work and most of the childcare.

I spoke to DH about it yesterday and he said there is no way I will be looking after 2 kids and a new born alone. He just didn't really give me a solution to it either. DH has also just started up a new business, which is creating financial strain and he is working really long hours so the last thing I want is conflict between me and him as I am really trying to support his new venture.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 08/09/2016 10:20

Again, your DH needs to back you and your MIL up. Otherwise you've got a DH problem, not a SIL problem. Why is he backing your DIL, not you and not his mother?

Liiinoo · 08/09/2016 10:20

Talk to SIL directly. Say you have been thinking about the next few months and wondered what her childcare plans are? Say you want her to know you will be prepared to help out at for 5/8/whatever hours a week but you won't be able to do any longer as you want to rest and enjoy the time with your new baby.

I think if you are all living as one household it is not unreasonable for you to help out a bit, but you need to mark a boundary now that you will not be carrying out substantial or full time childcare for her.

RiverTam · 08/09/2016 10:20

SIL!!!

RiverTam · 08/09/2016 10:22

X post. Right, you have a DH problem, he needs to be worshipping the ground you walk on, not his waste of space brother.

I would very strongly tell him that the only way you will carry on living with his family is if he makes the situation totally clear to both BIL and SIL that you and your MIL will cease to care for their children. If not, you're moving out.

BlueLeopard · 08/09/2016 10:26

It's your DH's problem - he's the one who removed your choice to live in a different house to your in-laws, so it should be him that comes up with the solution.

He needs to put his balls back on.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 08/09/2016 10:28

Why does your DH want to stay with his Parents & Brother? Maybe it's a cultural thing that I'll never understand, but it just seems like a reluctance to grow up to me.

It doesn't matter that you agreed to it previously if it's not working for you.

DH needs to understand that you are the one there all day, you are the one putting up with SIL.

I don't think any of us can say whether your SIL's assumption is reasonable or not, because we have no idea how you all agreed living together would work. I imagine most replies will say YANBU but that's largely coming from posters from a different cultural background who would sooner gnaw off their arms before living in this way.

pictish · 08/09/2016 10:28

You ought to sit down with your sil and have a calm discussion about her expectations versus your willingness. She thinks you're obligated to mind her kids but she's never actually confirmed that you're reading from the same page as her...it has just been assumed. You would not be unreasonable to kindly disillusion her of this.

"This may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but I'm not actually agreeable to minding your kids while you work and at no point have I ever agreed that I would. I know it's not what you expected to hear but I've been thinking about it and it's not an arrangement I want to enter into. I want to enjoy my own baby just as you were able to with yours. I think it's only fair to make you aware of my decision now so you can plan ahead for your return to work."

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 08/09/2016 10:28

just get doormat tattooed on your forehead! seriously you need to stand up to this now and face the resulting fireworks head on unless you do it you will be saddled asher babysitter forevermore. What is your DH's view on this?