..or is SIL?

[summerskittles91]

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

wibbliness! yes! Perfect term for it ;-)

Say what you mean.
Say it again.
Keep saying it.

None of them are going to make it easy for you. When they say "we'll sort it" or "don't worry, it will work out" what they mean is "la la la we are ignoring you because we know if we do the subject won't come up again and you'll do what we want you to do."

Agreed, I don't think he's listening to you at all. 'We'll sort it out'? Who does he mean by 'we'? Something makes me think he doesn't mean him and SIL.

If he contacts you about this again, I would say, 'I thought you said you'd be sorting this out, it isn't actually anything to do with me' and end the conversation. Easier said than done, I appreciate.

NEVER REFER TO THE DC AS "THE CHILDREN"

That's what parents do and they're not your children OP.

"That's lovely, I know how much SIL resents and moans looking after your children. Actually, who will be looking after YOUR children when you take her away for the weekend?"

They are no longer "the children"
They are "BIL & SIL's children" EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Excellent point, Space. Don't take ownership of the issue or the solution.

He is listening. He has heard you.
It's of no consequence whether your bothered or not. He is leaving the kids with mil and if you don't want to help, don't. No one has actually asked you to have they? You will be in the wrong as he never asked you to look after the kids and he wasn't going to! You jumped the gun and your a stirrer, you live in a mixed family and want it all your own way. Your so selfish. They only want to go away so she gets a break before you have the baby where upon she is going to help you. They're not just our kids! We live together are they nothing to you? Does your husbands family mean so little to you that you can't help them? Your mum and dad need to be told what your really like! You're breaking up the family. We've never had any problems before but now your being funny! What's the issue?

Ah it's cus you're pregnant, well we'll just ignore what's just been said shall we and carry on doing what we want anyway.

Just so people who don't understand the culture get an idea of what your up against. This can be for one comment that op made to bil (not saying he will definitely say all this just that this is an example of what people say and do).

I would also be telling him exactly how life is in that house when he is not present.

The midwife could tell your husband that you will not be able to do this and it is the normal way of doing things in Britain, in the culture you live in now. For very good reason for mother and newborn.

Fantastic point by Spacedinosaur! Reinforce whose children you're talking about at every step - make sure you say "your children" whenever you're talking about their children, every single time!

Otherwise you're going to end up lumping your baby in with their children and they'll just become one homogenous mass of child.

if u enjoy watching ur nieces and want to keep piece so to speak, you could approach your SIL and say somethings like 'I've been thinking, with MIL struggling more and more and you returning to work soon, we should talk about the childcare situation. o was thinking I'd be happy to have your DC one/two (whatever u feel comfortable with) afternoons a week, from 4 weeks after the baby born, if that would help you out?'
then you've actually offered help, so look helpful and kind, made it clear that MIL shouldn't have the children full time, and that you're not having her kids 24/7

I can't help thinking that for as long as the Op is physically in the house then SIL & MIL will just leave her with the childcare & go to work.

Perhaps any plans that Op has for going out will be not deemed important enough.

I can't really see how helping each other presumabably with house & child related stuff works when two of the three women are out at work!

For any benefit tha Op gets from the arrangement as far as I can see she might as well be living elsewhere.

Fishface has got it perfectly. This is how the family will think.

As a PP said, your brother in law has just patted you on the head with a 'there there'. No-ones going to sort anything because there is nothing to sort. Your MIL will do the childcare. Either you help or you don't - nobody's actually asked you to help so why are so worried about it (is how they will see it).

I know you are worried about you MIL doing too much. But that's her choice. She could turn around to her DIL and say sorry it's too much for me. If she won't, then it's not your job to help MIL. Not your job to advocate for MIL. You've told your DH your concerns. You won't be thanked by anyone for going in about it, you'll just be interfering DIL.

If you're going to remain in the house, you know MIL will do the childcare and you need to stop worrying about her - I know easier said than done - but she has to say stop herself. You can't do it for her. I'd suggest lots of rest and time away from everyone when baby is small, then lots of baby groups when baby is big enough.

Someone said about being sly - well all you need to do to make out you're too tired, have low iron, need rest, doctor says this, health visitor says that. Don't keep jumping up to do stuff. Let them get on with it while you focus on the baby.

I missed the bit where OP Said bil messaged her

WHY is his highness Lord of all he surveys DBIL deigning to converse with the lesser mortal OP? Seems to me he is letting her know her services will be needed or why would he bother.

Any update OP? What happened with regards the weekend away?

My thoughts are:-
After the baby is born maybe have a week at home (resting).
Then visit your parents for 2 weeks.
After this you'll prob feel a bit more human.
Then let MIL do the majority of childcare and get out for part of every day, but also help for part of the day to keep the peace.
I'd suggest helping with something you'd be doing anyway, eg take on the cooking?
Or if watching the children try and avoid 5-7 as its around this time newborns are often hardest. So don't get drawn into helping with bedtime routines.
If start drawing up a plan around your return to work, so it's clear your availability will be short term. Say you plan to return at 6 months even if you don't. Maybe use a childminder for your own child so you can be a bit more independent....or would that offend mil?
You could use a childminder for a day a week from 6 months ish and start your freelancing. Could you do this from a couple cafes??

It all sounds very hard work.

OP, my sympathies, your situation sounds very stressful. I really think moving out will be the only thing that will work, however long it takes you to achieve it.

Can you not have this conversation with your BiL or when your BiL is there as well?

You should do this with your husband at your side. Say that you are pregnant and will have a newborn soon and you cannot commit to doing any childcare. They must ask before making any plans. You will do what you are able to do as you have done in the past but from now on you must be granted the courtesy of being asked.

Then if the fireworks go off loudly claim stomach pain and you have to go lie down. Oh so much pain! MiL and DH must help you.

Also any conversation you have whip out your phone and pop on the memo/dictation to record it telling your SiL that you have such bad baby brain you can't remember things five minutes later!

Also don't feel bad! You are not being walked over. You are being an amazing and kind person who clearly loves her MiL and her nieces. And they will love you in a way your SiL will never get.

Remind your MiL that she will never lose her son. Her SiL needs her far far too much. Can you really imagine her moving out and looking after her kids and a house in her own?

I'd talk to BIL in person. Repeat that you understand SIL expects you to do childcare when she goes back to work and say you just want it to be made clear now that this isn't possible. Ask him to ensure other arrangements are made. Then leave it a week and ask him what he's arranged.
Second, stop paying for your nieces. If you agree to take them out, ask your SIL for money for tickets/lunch/travel before you go. If she claims she doesn't have it, say she can transfer it to your account before you leave.
Set up an online shop - if nobody wants to do it, get it delivered. Only order the food and leave out her nappies etc.
Start saving all your money in your own account. Stop giving money to your husband, tell him that you need to save for baby essentials and for spending money when your pay drops in mat leave. This will be the nucleus of a deposit on a rental flat, giving you the option if you need it.
If you don't want to stay in the house for 4-6 weeks after the birth, just don't. Tell anyone who fusses that it's old-fashioned and sexist and point out that fresh air and exercise are important for your mental health and preventing post natal depression.
Good luck! Come back on here whenever you need help.