..or is SIL?

[summerskittles91]

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

Op stop saying you'll bring it up with your dh. You sound like you are treading on eggshells in that house. You need to speak up for yourself. Your dh will not fight your corner with his db.

You need to tell your Dh how miserable you are and tell him you need him to sort this out before you get so fed up that you leave him. It's time for an ultimatum, get a place of your own or sort out the household problems with equal division of household chores and housekeeping. Do it, before it wrecks your marriage. Of course your Dh wants to live with his family, all the women pandering to him and he not having to lift a finger, time for a reality check.

I fail to understand why you say you've got to stay at home at all? Presumably you'll know when SIL will be working? Conveniently don't be there when she's leaving for work. Simple. Turn off phone and go for a walk

I admit I have no experience of Indian culture but I've always thought when it works it must be great, all money in one pot, help with kids, children growing up close to loving family.

What about a dh and bil conversation
"I'm worried about mum, she's more poorly than you think, I don't think you realise how much childcare she does when your away and she's not upto it anymore, you need to sort something out like we will"

Just out of interest in the hopefully distant future when your pil die who inherits? Is there a chance eldest could kick you out?

MrsBrent Money is most definitely not in one pot. It would work if everyone took responsibility. Sil doesnt even hoover the house, she has the expectation that Mil should do it. Despite her being on sick for a long term shoulder/neck injury. I don't think DH, BIL or SIL are bothered about MILS's condition at all.

Bil wouldn't kick us out, sil would most defiantly try I'm sure.

Can you just conversationally and casually ask sil what she's doing about childcare when she returns to work? It's a normal sort of question and one which most people would get around to. Then you can make your non-availability clear to her. And even perhaps remind her that mil is ill and that you won't be using her as a babysitter yourself "I wouldn't dream of putting mil in that position, she's ill and needs consideration and help herself! You wouldn't really expect her to look after your kids would you?" With raised eyebrows and shocked face etc.

You could start behaving like a crazy woman and blame it on 'hormones' I suppose.

I'm due in seven weeks and had to tell FIL that he won't be at the hospital when I give birth. He wasn't happy but immannadult and get to choose my own life. Your issues are way bigger though and I'd feel suffocated in your position.

Start looking at other houses and tell your husband your moving out.

to be honest if there's even a hint or possibility you could lose your home, your kids stability and a house you've put money into keeping nice. I think you and dh need a good long think about the sustainability of the situation.
If God forbid something awful happened to mil tomorrow who would it fall to? Not SIL.
If it happens when your child's about to do their gcse's and SIL decides she wants you out (I'm guessing she won't if your doing everything) and your child's suddenly dealing with that upheaval as well as it exams, potential school changes.
I know they are big ifs, but if there's even a chance it could happen. I'd worry. Your dh will say 'bil won't do that'
Your reply is 'SIL will'.

I apologise if my money comment caused offence, I meant there must be an element of sharing costs.

Thing is op, if you want things to change you need to have the fireworks. Let her kick off but don't let it change your stance. It is really hard at first, especially with you all living together but if you want things to change then you need to address it.

Just to clarify Op, I don't think taht you should look after your neices/nephews, can just see how it would seem to be the most obvious scenario.

I cannot imagine being so desperate to have my adult son living with me that I would put up with anything from my DIL in my own house.

I also find it odd that your husband is so determined to live with his parents & his brother.

I wonder why BIL thinks that SIL is essentially running her MIL's house?

Is everyone beholden to BIL in some way?

What is so fabulous about him that people can't bear to not have him near??

I'm not Indian, but I live in a place where extended families living together is common. I lived with my (terminally ill) MIL and there was also a piss-taking SIL who made MIL look after her kids, then tried to make me do the same. (SIL didn't live with usany more at this point, because DH had given her and BIL a house in order to make her Go The Fuck Away).

I'm telling you this because I know it to be true; you have two choices- either to do what she wants and continue to live together, gradually becoming more isolated within yourself and more and more bitter. Or you can have an almighty hissyfit and put a stop to it. You might as well include her being a lazy article and not pulling her weight at home into the tantrum to save duplicating the effort later. You will develop a reputation for being a bit unstable within the family, but that doesn't really matter because the alternative is a lifetime of servitude to the "senior" SIL.

In the longer term, it might not be a bad idea to develop some sort of medical reason for needing to live elsewhere. A need for peace and quiet, or a severe allergy to something or other maybe.

Can you confide fully in your MIL? If she understood that you value your relationship with her and her role as a grandmother to your child, but the stress of the situation is making you ill (and it will, stress in pregnancy is not good for you and could affect your blood pressure) then you might be able to work out a plan between you.

Oh gosh you sound like my friend, although she didnt get on with MIL either! That all ended up in tears with my friend and her DD and DH being homeless.

Just stand your ground, citing your exact reasons or you will be unhappy forever. One thing will turn to another and you will end up being Cinderella before she went to the ball!

Joint houses are a fucking nightmare to sort out when the original owner (parent usually) dies, especially if more than one inheritor is living in the house. Or in fact if only one is. Fucking NIGHTMARE.

I wouldn't ever put myself into that position, having lived through the results of it.

How can you be married to this man child? He didn't want to live away from his mother and brother? Fucking hell, he needs to grow the fuck up, grow a pair of balls and start standing up for his WIFE. I don't know how you put up with this living situation. It'd be one thing if you were happy to live with MIL but to live with such a narcissistic bitch such as SIL is just insane. Stop doing shit for her!

Time to put on your big girl pants and stand up for yourself. It is 2016, you are entitled to do what suits you - you have choices in life. You do not need to be anybody's slave. You are in a marriage where you are an equal partner. Your 'D'H does not get to decide where you live or what you do, you get an equal say in the matter.

Tell MIL that you are going to confront MIL but do so without implicating her. Tell MIL that it is disgraceful how she is being treated by SIL and you will back her up if she wishes to confront her and needs support in doing so.

Then, ask SIL casually what her childcare plans are. Then blow the fuck up at her once she tells you it'll be you doing it. You need to have this conversation now. Tell her that you're fed up of her being a lazy selfish bitch, treating MIL like a slave and you are not going to tolerate it any longer. SIL does her own grocery shopping from now on, you are not. You will not be providing childcare for her DC. And tell her to quit running off to BIL making up drama just to get her own way, it's pathetic.

Then report back here! SIL will probably be too speechless to say anything. You need to stand up to her and for your poor MIL. She is being completely exploited here. If you say nothing, you'll spend the rest of your life being SIL's slave, being miserable and setting a dreadful example to your DC on how women should be treated.

Is the house so big that it contains 3 families living comfortably? If so it sounds like a mansion.

At what point do you decide to live independently as a family, having full responsibility for every aspect of your home?

Living with inlaws means you can't buy the furniture of your choice, decorate the house as you wish or do the garden to your personal taste.

Is that how you want to live forever?

I'm aware of culture and tradition, because I have my own culture too, but living with the inlaws can be problematic. The older son tends to get preferential treatment and the younger ones and their spouses are treated less favourably. Like skivvies at times.

Forget talking to your DH or BIL. It's your SIL you need to make aware that you will not be taking care of her DCs.

She thinks she's smart, but you need to outsmart her. If I were in your shoes, by the time I finished with my plan she wouldn't want me looking after her DC.

If you can't beat them... outsmart them.

Thank you for all your messages again.

Memoires any conversation I have with SIL alone gets manipulated into something else by the time someone else finds out about it. don't ask. I just refuse to talk to her when its me and her alone in the house. and thats saying a lot.

Ninasimoneinthemorning I've fantasy house hunted so much. I think with DH starting his new business I couldn't cope with a running a house by myself.

MrsBrent the money comment didnt cause offence. It's just a very different scenario in our house. Our food shop is split equally but thats about it. Even with that SIL uses money from it to buy nappies and stuff for the children - I don't think thats fair. she should consider the costs of her own children considering she is living in a house for free.

allthecarbs I think fireworks probably will only work whilst i'm pregnant, at least no one can have a go at me (I hope)

diddl I get on with BIL to a certain extent. I just think he has many flaws which the rest of the family are oblivious too. MIL will be pissed off with him for countless things then be awake at 4:30am to make him tea on the days he leaves for work.

ZippyNeedsFeeding I don't know about fully confiding in MIL. I have done on several occasions and she will always minimise SILS mistakes as to not have to deal with the extra shit from BIL. I guess now will pretty much be the same.

pinkie1982 It does feel like I'm forever treading on eggshells but making all the compromises.

ThumbWitchesAbroad MIL has often said you'll only be together till myself and FIL are alive. After we've gone it will all be chaos. I was sat there thinking - but it already is chaos? how can you not see that?!

coconutpie BIL controls the household. i don't know how considering he's not here 50% of the time. It like what he says go. I think DH and him were close growing up and its just followed through, they've always had a close relationship, I just don't think either of them have changed their boundaries after getting married. It''s funny SIL is happier for BIL to be away working, she gets more freedom. Soon as he gets home, he questions her about something and sometimes she doesnt have an answer. She'll talk to MIL like shit when BIL isn't here, and when he's back it's like butter wouldn't melt.

That all sounds deeply dysfunctional. Ask yourself honestly - do you really want your child growing up in such a household? I'm guessing no, so, hard as it will be, the wheels need to start turning to get you out of there.

You haven't mentioned your own parents or family in all of this. What's their take on it? Are they very traditional or more modern?

RiverTam

My parents haven't a clue what it's like. I don't really want to burden them with extra stress. My mum is pretty unwell anyway, and her finding out i'm pregnant has made her so happy. I don't know how I'd feel making her stressed by telling her whats going on.

They're quite traditional but very forward thinking, especially my dad. He'd never allow a household to run like that though. He'd definitely have more control.

Can you speak to your dad, then, without worrying your mum? Who, I'm guessing, even if she is unwell, would want her DD to be able to come to her parents with a situation like this.

" I think with DH starting his new business I couldn't cope with a running a house by myself."

Of course you can. You've been indoctrinated (from birth?) into thinking you live communally, and you need the family support. You really don't. Running a house isn't a big challenge for 2 grown adults.

Hi OP. How far away are your parents ? Could you move in with them for a while just before baby arrives and stay for a few weeks/months after ? That will give you breathing space, time to spend with your baby and time for your IL's to sort themselves out without you ?

You made a promise to live there, I can see it will feel like your breaking that promise but you've tried it and it's not worked. You did your best.
You did not agree to be miserable forever.
Could you sell it to your husband not just on the fact it's not working but on the children aspect? that you want to give your children the same opportunity he's had to start married life in a stable home. If you live there you won't be able to do that.
They won't inherit the family home.
There's also the risk they will feel like second class citizens in their own home.

Personally I'd use this time to get your dh's business up and running, save your arses off for a deposit and go. It may feel better if you know it's a temporary measure.
Mil has made her bed if she's willing not to say anything, and to put up with it. If she's not prepared to back you, you can't do anymore.

OP, this a very difficult situation but unless you 1)move out or 2)start standing up for yourself very, very firmly, there is nothing that can be done. We all make choices we regret and have to admit we need to make a change. Just because you've agreed to live there and have always been the one taking the burden of all the childcare in that family, doesn't mean you should continue. This is a deeply dysfunctional set up, one that all of us would find very difficult to live in. I think you need to re-evaluate your approach to handling SIL and the rest of the family. You also need to realize that your DH is useless here so you can't rely on him to stand up for you. As someone from a different background, I do understand to some extent the pressure you are under. But you need to understand that it's 2016 and you don't need to do things in a certain way just because everyone else has done it in that way before. All the best of luck

" I think with DH starting his new business I couldn't cope with a running a house by myself."

Why do you think this?

It's your first baby, you have no idea how you will feel, cope etc. Also, you want to enjoy your new baby and that precious time with your first baby. You won't be able to do that whilst keeping an eye out for toddler and amusing a 4 year old. Feeding, napping and changing will be a while lot more stressful. This alone is ample reason YOU to have a word with your SIL and for your DH to talk to his brother. You need to sort this out now or it will fester.