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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..or is SIL?

243 replies

summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:37

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. Hmm AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

OP posts:
pictish · 08/09/2016 11:08

I agree...Bankrollium nooooo. That's the opposite of what she should do. A weekly timetable...hell no.

MorrisZapp · 08/09/2016 11:10

Why pander to this shit? A weekly timetable, wtf? Op you have a husband problem.

Tarunsmummy · 08/09/2016 11:11

This isn't going to get any better. It's the typical Indian culture way of life. MIL will do and support anything her sons want or say. Wives wants and needs come way down the list. Is BIL eldest boy? If so, then that explains her (sil) dominance over you because of the family hierarchy system. You need to tell your husband exactly what's going to happen, not discuss, not pussyfoot around, clear and concise points what you are happy to do and take on board and what you're not. Ideally you ought to move out now, before you have the baby (otherwise you're gonna be up shit creek without a paddle) you have the perfect excuse-need space, sleep, rest. Never in a million years would I ever have gone to live with husbands family. They drive me crazy with their ways. Soon MIL will be too elderly to provide help, then the onus is on you.

Fanjolena · 08/09/2016 11:11

Don't even explain yourself or apologise. "No I won't be doing that, actually." Is perfectly acceptable.

RiverTam · 08/09/2016 11:11

MIL sounds pretty ground down, tbh. I can't blame anyone for their actions here' even SIL, who is married to a man who doesn't care for his children or, presumably, his wife to the extent that he ducks off abroad.

FIL, BIL and DH however - what fine, sterling examples of manhood they are. FFS.

Bestthingever · 08/09/2016 11:14

Do not think it is the job of your dh to sort this. While I think your dh is your real problem, I really believe you need to sort it with your SIL directly. Tell her straight up that your newborn is your priority and your only responsibility. You sound very sweet but I get the impression you don't want to make waves. I suggest you stand up for yourself because otherwise your SIL is going to dominate that house for the rest of your life. (How long can those living arrangements last anyway?)

wizzywig · 08/09/2016 11:15

Op are you the wife of the younger son and yr sister in law the wife of the eldest brother?

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 11:16

Soon after me and DH got married, SIL conveniently started working 2 Saturdays every month because she had to. MIL, BIL and DH also used to work saturdays. Which meant I was left with eldest DC pretty much all day. Not once did anyone ask if it was ok, it was just left to me as I was home. I didn't mind at the time, but now I just feel I'm taken advantage of in every situation.

SIL was expecting me to continue doing the weekly shop (I did it before she was PG and well after her second DC was born) despite me working full time, and her being home on mat leave. I'd have some compassion if she a) looked after her kids or b) she was out of the house looking after her DC and taking them to clubs. But no. she's at home not being very productive and leaves every so often to get her own stuff done and leaving mil at home with the kids.

SIL and BIL recently took the kids on holiday, and returned saying it wasn't holiday because all she did was look after her youngest. at 6 months, I don't know what she was expecting tbh. I don't know why she's had kids tbh. They're forever an inconvenience in her life.

AGH i need to stop the rage. D:

OP posts:
Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 11:18

wizzywig

DH is the youngest son. So BIL & SIL are eldest. Married 6 years. me and DH married 2.

I think I'm afraid to admit i have a DH problem. I love him to bits but I just honestly cant see him backing me up on this.. Not in the way I'm expecting him to anyway.

OP posts:
Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 08/09/2016 11:20

About an hour before shes due to go to work get baby ready and in pram stand by the front door a shout bye im just going to baby club (then go hide in a coffee shop haha) if she asks you say no if she then kicks off just say theyre your children so its up to you to arrange childcare , i want quality time with my baby not being run ragged with three children two of which are not mine

Tissunnyupnorth · 08/09/2016 11:23

What are your own childcare arrangements/plans for when you go back to work?

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 11:23

In our culture for the first 4-6 weeks mum and baby can't leave the house. I'm stuck aren't I. Otherwise Mymouthgetsmeintrouble I would most likely have planned baby clubs.

I feel like hormonal teenager. Why did no one tell me pregnancy was going to make me feel like this :(

OP posts:
Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 11:24

Tissunnyupnorth I already told MIL i wouldnt expect her to look after my DC and will be putting them into part time nursery, depending on my working hours.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 08/09/2016 11:30

I've had a couple of Asian friends and colleagues find intolerable living like this and one took her DS and moved back to her parent's house until they got their own place.

When dealing with people like your SIL, you have to be 10 steps ahead of them and have a response for every scenario they try to present.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 08/09/2016 11:32

I've always been impressed at the way Asian families look after each other.

I suppose all is not always what it seems.

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 11:34

ExitPursuedBySpartacus

It is becoming less and less common for sons to stay with their parents once married. It is very uncommon now a days. Most of the people i know who got married over the last few months, have bought houses together even before they got married, and moved in together straight after the wedding. I don't half envy them at times.

OP posts:
Brankolium · 08/09/2016 11:35

Ah ok, no then! Sorry, OP I wasn't meaning to suggest something unhelpful.

Perhaps it came across wrong, but I was meaning half an hour once or twice a week put firmly in place so that SIL wouldn't be able to manipulate any extra childcare and could be referred back to the concrete arrangement if she tried her luck. And of course SIL could have her time helping out with OP's DC pencilled in too for whenever OP wanted a break.

Vlier · 08/09/2016 11:37

Let your DH handle it. Either he talks to SIL or you move out. Its his family. He can't tell you handle it and then tell you to stay living there. Indian or not. His baby's well eing should come first. Not SIL.

PatriciaHolm · 08/09/2016 11:37

It's not your pregnancy. It's the oppressive family situation.

I know it's terribly hard when everyone expects X because it's the way everything has always been done. But you don't have to perpetuate it. You don't have to bring your own kids up into it. It's fine to go out with a newborn, for example, it's fine and normal to expect to have a home of your own when you have a family. The fact you aren't happy being the family drudge isn't an irrational side effect of pregnancy, it's a fact of being a normal human!

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 11:39

You've all given me such a wake up call. I still just want to burst into tears. Feel like my head is going to explode.

Need to tackle this with DH as soon as I can.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 08/09/2016 11:41
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2016 11:42

i feel like a hormonal teenager. Sweetie. In the nicest possible terms, you sound like one. You sound like a downtrodden child and if you don't change the attitude of victim, you will get taken advantage of. Who says you have to stay at home for a certain amount of time? The only reason for this is to give you a total rest and admonish you of all chores to recover from the birth and bond with the baby. It sounds like an ace tradition to me. However, if it's going to be very different from this, you are perfectly entitled to do as you choose. You don't be shifting on tradition as they will have got there first.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2016 11:44

Sorry I meant YOU WONT BE SHITTING ON TRADITION AS THEY WILL HSVE GOT THERE FIRST

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2016 11:52

I think not only is your SIL being unreasonable, but your DH is unreasonable to expect you to put up with this as well.
IF everything was fair and everyone pulled their weight properly, then all living together could work quite well - but when one person seems determined to play the situation to their own advantage (SIL) then it's not every going to work.

So I'd move out.

On my own, if I had to.

SleepDeprivedAndCranky · 08/09/2016 11:54

Start mentioning that you are returning to work and can you have the contact details for the childminder, that your Sil is planning to use when she goes back to work. If she says she wants you to do it, just smile and say, you will have your hands full with a newborn so that won't be possible. Do not apologise or offer to do any set days for her, she will take a mile if you budge an inch. Get your Husband to mention how busy you are going to be and looking forward to bonding with your new baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy, it is a wonderful time Flowers