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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..or is SIL?

243 replies

summerskittles91 · 08/09/2016 09:37

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. Hmm AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

OP posts:
RiverTam · 09/09/2016 12:42

Message him back 'that sounds great. Hope you manage to get some childcare sorted out. summer'. You are then forcing him to ask you, to which your answer is then 'no can do'.

You can do it, OP! It's your first chance to state your position loud and clear, you are no longer on call for free childcare.

Fishface77 · 09/09/2016 12:43

Say aww that's lovely!
Suggest a couple of places she might like and then ask whose having the kids. If he says well you say hahahhahaha you joking?? I'll be heavily pregnant/have a newborn!
If he says mil say nothing or say are you sure?? She's not coping well at the mo!

Make it his problem!

meercat23 · 09/09/2016 12:48

This is great because he has given you the perfect opportunity to make it clear that you do not intend to be their taken for granted childcare.

As he has messaged you it seems clear that he is expecting that you will provide the childcare. Just make it absolutely clear that you won't be doing that.

DeadGood · 09/09/2016 12:55

OP, how are you going to reply?

brassbrass · 09/09/2016 12:58

lots of advice OP but will you follow through on any of it?

You have a choice to remain in this unhealthy dynamic or do something about it. Indian or not.

And no not all Indian families live like this so you need to shift yourself out of the mindset of this particular Indian family and do what is right for you. But unless you grow a spine and start manning up to everyone including your husband this will be your life forever.

Establish direct communication face to face with everyone present including BIL to explain that you won't be providing nanny services when SIL goes back to work nor for the planned birthday trip. You're not up to it and they should make alternative arrangements.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 09/09/2016 13:00

Message back "very nice, who will be minding the children?"

You and mum

"I can't speak for mil but I will not be, you cannot rely on me for childcare at all for the foreseeable future, which includes when sil returns to work, just so we are all clear on childcare arrangements. Have a lovely weekend, I am sure she will love it"

And then leave the house for the whole weekend

Nocabbageinmyeye · 09/09/2016 13:02

Op this is your chance, take it now or regret it forever

I am mindful off for culture but your sil has no problem walking all over everyone, you can be respectful but stand up for yourself

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 09/09/2016 13:21

Message back, 'that's nice. Who will be looking after the kids?'

SandyY2K · 09/09/2016 13:21

Your response should be or could be .... your mum will love the time with the grandchildren. I'll help out if I'm to. You can also spend lots of time in your room relaxing... tell them you feel unwell.. twinges .... you phoned the midwife and she said to rest .... or to come in to see her tomorrow ... then tomorrow.... you say the midwife suspects you might be a bit anaemic ....that until the blood tests come back .... that you're not to exert yourself .... that you could do with bed rest ... somewhere quiet (hence you need to go to your mum's)

In fact you really should see your midwife or GP and mention how anxious you're feeling about the thought of being dumped on with these kids and just want to focus on the baby. Ask how they can help.

Get creative and become a spin doctor. Don't let them all trample on you.

Start making yourself unavailable.

Your DH works away, so what's the harm in you spending a week with your parents here and there. Do you have siblings? If so spend time with them too. You can say you're doing as much as possible before the baby comes along.

Go away for an expectant mothers spa break. Just don't allow your movements to be predictable.

Pack a bag and go to your mums. Text MIL and say you're spending a few days with your mum. That you spoke to her earlier and she didn't sound her usual self.

You didn't answer if your mum works or would look after your baby. Start making SIL and everyone else believe that you're not taking the year off and that you've made arrangements for baby's childcare. Then she'll have to do the same.

I've dealt with too many sneaky people who think they can run rings around me.

Always try and prempt what will be said and have a response where SIL and BIL are concerned. They see you as naive... but step up without being nasty and show them your not a doormat.

RiverTam · 09/09/2016 13:35

I wouldn't ask 'who will be minding the children' because that implies that it's of some concern to you. It isn't. In this bright new world SIL and BIL's childcare is of zero interest to the OP.

So don't ask 'who'.

Lessthanaballpark · 09/09/2016 13:38

"That all sounds deeply dysfunctional. "

Actually it sounds all deeply patriarchal to me, where the brothers get to stay with their own blood whilst the unrelated women are left to infight for scraps of status (derived through their status to the eldest male) and are looked upon as the automatic unpaid childcarers.

OP there can be many benefits to living in this type of community (such as childcare when you go back to work) but the keyword here is community. It only works if people put in what they take out. There is no shame in pointing this out and making sure that everyone is treated fairly. It looks like you'll be in this setup for a long while so you need to make it a situation that is beneficial to all.

Fishface77 · 09/09/2016 13:43

Op, unfortunately I've found passive aggression can be the best way to deal with this kind of shit.
People don't take kindly to confrontational behaviour so you have to be sly and crafty. I know it's difficult for anyone whose not part of a culture to understand sometimes but it's not as easy as it should be and its one small step at a time.
The reason I said say ooh lovely where you going and then ask whose having the kids is, he will think your keen for them to go and regretful that you can't help.
It's like planting seeds and nurturing them to get the flower you want.

I know this all sounds strange but having Seen it in action it works.

RandomMess · 09/09/2016 13:44

You text back to your BIL & DH "Not sure why you are telling me as I will be too busy to help look after your DC"

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 09/09/2016 13:47

Basically just went along with his holiday plans (I know there is a likely change they won't go)

And then bought up what mil said to me re sil thinking I'll be home to watch the kids.

For all his flaws Bil is quite easy to talk to I just don't like confrontation. He said to not worry and that we'll sort it out. He's working atm so will reply later.

OP posts:
MrsBrent · 09/09/2016 13:48

Don't forget BIL thinks SIL does the majority of childcare now, so probably thinks she needs the child free weekend.
Id also imagine in his head as everything hunky dory its perfectly reasonable to ask MIL or auntie and uncle to help out on this special occasion - although he does seem to have missed out the asking bit!!!!

Lessthanaballpark · 09/09/2016 13:53

OP I would actually assume that they are assuming you will take care of their DC whilst they go on holiday and respond that you are unable to do so as you have other plans.

This will leave them in the position of either a) being indignant that you thought they would take your childcare for granted in which case you have that to refer to in the future.
Or
B) they are annoyed and look like twats for not clearing it with you.

Either way the situation is brought up, the problem is named and you can put your cards on the table.

Lessthanaballpark · 09/09/2016 13:54

Cross post. Hope you sort it Flowers

Original poster
summerskittles91 · 09/09/2016 14:01

Bil is surprising sil with this holiday. She hasn't a clue. Don't know what she's done to deserve it tbh.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2016 14:14

When you next speak to him, be blunt and tell him you look after his children more than his wife. Tell him how lucky she is and you'd love a few days away not looking after his children. Maybe dh and you could go away before the baby comes. After all you'll never have that opportunity again.

powershowerforanhour · 09/09/2016 14:18

Are you going to be away for a weekend break yourself that weekend, by amazing coincidence?

coconutpie · 09/09/2016 14:23

Right. You said BIL is easy to talk to. Then grab the bull by the horns and talk to him. Tell him that you're fed up of SIL treating you like a nanny, expecting you to mind their DC and expects you to provide childcare when she goes back to work. Tell him you are not providing childcare and you are fed up of your good nature being taken advantage of.

Or you could say "yes, I will provide childcare for the DC. My rate is £50 per hour and that is per child. Too expensive? Shame. Hope you find a cheaper alternative."

mypropertea · 09/09/2016 14:23

You must feel so much better now you have said something to him :)

coconutpie · 09/09/2016 14:25

I also assume that by that text, he expects you to look after his DC while they are on holiday. Do not agree to any of it. You need to tell him upfront that no, it is not happening. Not for one hour, not for one day, not for one week. Give an inch and they'll take a mile. No more childcare.

PatriciaHolm · 09/09/2016 14:29

"Easy to talk to". No, he's just done the text equivalent of patting you on the head and going "there there dear."

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2016 14:36

Hum. I don't think his version of "we'll sort it out" is exactly the same as yours, Summer - I think his version is "we'll sort it out by letting you do it for us to help MIL out", rather than "we'll get someone to look after the kids and actually pay them for it".

You need to be MUCH clearer in your dealings with them. MUCH. There's too much assumption and wibbliness going on. (may have just made that word up a bit)

You say "That's lovely! who is going to look after the children? I'm not going to be able to do that, I'll have a new baby to deal with"