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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

184 replies

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:32

Hi everyone this is my first time on here and I need some opinions off people who aren't my family / friends.
My friend of 20 years is getting married in a week and my partner wasn't invited. I was a bit upset about this but she said she wasn't inviting any partners because of budget. However last night I found out that 3 of my other friends/ acquaintances have had their partners invited and they are going. This felt like a kick in the stomach and made me feel singled out. I messaged her this morning and told her I won't be going to the wedding now as I feel a bit upset that other friends partners have been invited but not mine I have to be true to myself and how I feel since then I've had one of her friends confronting me on Facebook saying I should just go as I've really upset her this friend has her husband going! What are your opinions on this?

OP posts:
curlywillow · 01/09/2016 13:34

I wouldn't go but I wouldn't have confronted her about it, just said "I'm really sorry but I'm now unable to attend"

HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 13:35

Seems clear she doesn't like your partner for some reason.

RubbleBubble00 · 01/09/2016 13:36

Do you live with partner? How long r u in the relationship? Perhaps she doesn't like your partner? Is there a past?

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/09/2016 13:37

Is your partner friends with/friendly with/actually know this friend?

Do the partners of the other people invited know the person getting married?

If not personally I would assume they are rude, and/or dislike my partner for some reason.

I'd go if I really liked the person and if I knew my partner didn't/wouldn't care about not being invited/wouldn't want to go even if they were invited... because weddings are frankly bonkers and all manner of crazy shit happens like this.

I would just say outright to the bride 'is there any reason my partner isn't invited and these other peoples partners are because this does feel a bit shitty!' and see what happens though. I wouldn't just keep quiet.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/09/2016 13:39

Is she close to those partners but not yours? Is it a case of they socialise but doesn't with yours?

How long are you together? Is it more a case of she has not issued plus ones and your other friends partners have been invited in their own right as opposed to as a plus one?

SmallBee · 01/09/2016 13:40

For our wedding we didn't want to invite (and spend £100 on) anyone we hadn't met. This included a couple of friends partners. Although we made exceptions if the friend in question didn't know anyone else coming.

Does your friend actually know your partner? Does she know the partners of yoyr friends she did invite? It seems odd that your partner is singled out, there must be a reason.

SleepDeprivedAndCranky · 01/09/2016 13:40

I don't think yabu but why is your other friend contacting you on fb-how did she know? Did you private message the bride & has she been in contact since?

ClarkL · 01/09/2016 13:41

So she'll have paid for you to attend, meal, drinks etc (the majority of places thats £50+) and you're simply not going with less than a weeks notice?
You don't sound much like a friend

For all you know she spends more time with other peoples partners or she simply doesn't like your partner, Whatever the reason you are making her day about you.
You aren't immediate family, and now you aren't likely to be a friend

BigTroubleInLittleChina · 01/09/2016 13:43

You did the right thing.

plimsolls · 01/09/2016 13:46

I disagree that you "have to be true to yourself and how you feel". I think you have to consider politeness, rationality, your friend's perspective, the value of your friendship, possible explanations for your partners lack of invite, ramifications of non-attendance....I could go on.

It's a shame your partner isn't invited but perhaps the other people who you see as just your friends' partners have more of a direct friendship with the bride/groom than your partner does. So they are guests in their own right rather than just a Plus One for your friend.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 01/09/2016 13:47

How long have you been with your partner, is it a more recent relationship than others who are going?

TheNaze73 · 01/09/2016 13:50

At the end of the day, we make our own choices in life. I'd have gone on my own as that was who the invite was to. Is there a backstory as to why they don't appear to like your DP? Does she know him well? Do you socialise with you both together?

YangYang · 01/09/2016 13:53

There is probably a lot more to the story but... I think you did the right thing, I wouldn't go either.

Original poster
user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:55

No there's no past I've been with my partner 2 years we live together have a baby together

OP posts:
Nannawifeofbaldr · 01/09/2016 13:57

You haven't given us enough info to judge:

How long have you been with your partner?
Do you live together?
Have they met the bride and groom?

Regardless of whether you were right or wrong you've now trashed the friendship. There's pretty much no way back from dropping out of the wedding in a fit of temper the week before.

It might have been better to quietly raise it with the bride face to face. Messaging this kind of thing is never a good idea.

Arfarfanarf · 01/09/2016 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackie0 · 01/09/2016 13:58

Living together and baby together , well he isn't a flash in the pan boyfriend then .
I'd be offended too, you did the right thing .

Original poster
user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:59

She must of messaged her friend and told her what had happened for her to message me about it no other way of her knowing

OP posts:
Original poster
user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 14:01

Course I'm a long term friend known her for 20 years! I didn't do it in temper either I was really nice about it

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 01/09/2016 14:01

I was going to say something sympathetic about the price of weddings these days, but saw the update. If you’ve been with him two years with a child together I think she’s well out of order. You just don’t do that to a good mate without reason.

coconutpie · 01/09/2016 14:01

YANBU. You have a baby with your partner, it's not just some casual relationship. Sounds like she doesn't like your partner. Or regard you highly as a friend.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/09/2016 14:01

Does your partner socialise with them? Do the other husbands?

Considering you love and have a child together I think it was rude but I think you could have picked up the phone to ask why and then if you felt the need to cancel you could do it over the phone, a message at this late stage is rude too. A phonecall would have been better for the friendships sake long term

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/09/2016 14:02

Your a friend but is your partner?

BolshierAryaStark · 01/09/2016 14:02

There has to be a reason though I find it odd she told you no partners were invited when clearly some have been.
Doesn't matter now anyway as you have told her you're not going.

Original poster
user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 14:04

Yeah a phone call probably would of gone down better but I was really upset. She's been around ours loads of times seems to get on with my partner he's not an offensive person we have had her over for drinks a few times

OP posts:
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