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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends wedding

184 replies

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:32

Hi everyone this is my first time on here and I need some opinions off people who aren't my family / friends.
My friend of 20 years is getting married in a week and my partner wasn't invited. I was a bit upset about this but she said she wasn't inviting any partners because of budget. However last night I found out that 3 of my other friends/ acquaintances have had their partners invited and they are going. This felt like a kick in the stomach and made me feel singled out. I messaged her this morning and told her I won't be going to the wedding now as I feel a bit upset that other friends partners have been invited but not mine I have to be true to myself and how I feel since then I've had one of her friends confronting me on Facebook saying I should just go as I've really upset her this friend has her husband going! What are your opinions on this?

OP posts:

Vixyboo · 01/09/2016 14:05

I think you were right to ask!!!!

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 01/09/2016 14:05

Do you think in an uncommunicative way she was thinking that one of you would have to stay home with the baby? Or that you might want a night off from childcare?

MrsHam13 · 01/09/2016 14:05

I can understand why you are upset.

Like others have said do they socialise as a couple with the other couples whose partners were invited? What's your partner like when he has a drink, does he get loud?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/09/2016 14:08

Well it was definitely rude of her so. I would leave it be at this stage, wish her well on the day and see what happens after the wedding but I would have been pissed off too

MrsHam13 · 01/09/2016 14:09

Just see your update. There must be a reason in her mind then as to why she doesn't want your partner there. I think if I were you I'd of not said anything and would of went. Then after the wedding id of asked her why shed said other partners weren't going, which wasn't true and why just yours wasn't invited and for what reason.

QueenofallIsee · 01/09/2016 14:09

I think the whole 'being true to yourself' was melodramatic. I would assume that she does not know your partner well so he would be a '+1' rather than inviting a couple that she and the groom are friends with.

If I had a mate who bowed out of my wedding a few days before on the basis of 'being true to herself' i.e. not getting everything her way I would tell her to do one to be honest

SpanishLady · 01/09/2016 14:10

How long have you had your invite for the wedding and known your partner was not invited? Your post sounds like you have only acted this week after finding out other people's partners were invited so presumably you were going to without him up to then?

It's one day - why does your partner absolutely have to be there? Though why he isn't invited is a separate issue of its own.

Lifegavemelemons · 01/09/2016 14:10

Has she invited husbands but not partners? You said your other friend's husband was going - maybe that's her criterion?

Arfarfanarf · 01/09/2016 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 01/09/2016 14:13

Sorry, but yab massively u. 2 years isnt long and he isnt her friend. No problem with you asking her why or letting her know it upset you a little, but a big upset the week before her wedding caused by a friend she cares enough to invite... and now out 50-100 for your meal.

We did the same for our wedding. Invited married spouses, long term relationships (10yrs plus) and partners who were friends in their own right. Otherwise at £75 per head we'd have had to cull people WE really wanted there.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/09/2016 14:13

I wouldn't be going and I certainly would not be shy about telling her exactly Why.
Does she honestly think you're going to be okay with that. Not only telling bare face lies but singling your DP out.
It would friendship over for me, I'm afraid.
I'm shit hot on inclusion

Sonders · 01/09/2016 14:13

Not inviting your DP isn't great, but you accepted the invite knowing this.

I can't get ever how bloody rude it is to cancel a wedding invite just a week before. I think it's really childish and immature to bail because you're jealous of your friends.

What a load of balls to throw away a 20-year friendship over.

Crocodillian · 01/09/2016 14:15

I was just about to ask what Nocabbage has asked. Could it be that the bride or groom have some kind of relationship with the other women's husbands/partners that she doesn't with yours? Ie, are you sure that there haven't been double dates or impromptu pub meet ups, DIY projects, moving day helpers or simply returning the favour of having been invited as a couple to other couples weddings. She might have agonised over her decision and might have a really good explanation as to why some people's partners made the cut over yours. She might be very embarassed about not being able to afford partners but could consider you to be the kindest and most understanding one that will get it. Can you have a proper chat with her?
I had a friend, who I hardly ever saw or heard from despite my best, best efforts. I invited her to my reception and she didnt come because she was hugely offended that although she never spoke to me should have been invited to the whole thing, but if she ever spoke to or spent time with, me she would have known that we had no one at our wedding ceremony. We just had a ceremony on our own with our parents and siblings and then an absolutely huge reception, but she jumped to her own conclusions.

furryminkymoo · 01/09/2016 14:16

I think that you have cut your nose off to spite your face on this one, maybe you were due to be seated on "the fun girls" table and the other partners were sitting on the "dull married couples" table? Maybe she thought that you could do with a day out without your DP? Maybe she just doesn't know your DP as well as others? There could be numerous reasons, none of which her and her husband to be have to share with you.

Anyhow you have now cancelled your place, despite being happy with attending on your own until a week before, she probably won't get any refund on the cost of your place.

Original poster

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 14:18

Well true friends wouldn't tell lies would they so don't agree with you there she is the one who's done that not me I was of the understanding that no ones partner was going thought was all girls having a laugh then I found out differently

OP posts:

Fontella · 01/09/2016 14:19

I can't believe some of the responses on here.

You live with your partner and have a child with him. She's been to your home and socialised with him. He is your other half.

How long you've been with him (and two years is plenty long enough) has got fuck all to do with it. She's also lied to you about why he hasn't been invited.

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't go either.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/09/2016 14:22

You've cut off your nose to spite your face
Why, is this wedding the most exciting event ever to take place.

She won't get any refund on the cost of your place.
Oh dear. Let me get my violins out.
If she hadn't have been a clique exclusive bitch. Op wouldn't have cancelled, so this "friend" wouldn't have lost any money.
Zero pity here.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/09/2016 14:22

I actually don't think it matters if the bride and groom know these other partners better. The fact is that when the OP originally expressed her upset that her partner wasn't invited, the bride says that she wasn't inviting ANY partners due to budget. That was clearly a bare-faced lie. I think lying to a friend of 20 years is the issue here, not the non-invite, and I can quite see why the OP has now decided not to attend.

Original poster

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 14:22

Thank you. Reading some of these responses and I feel like I'm going crazy I'm a normal level headed woman. I don't go around causing big dramas and hate that kind of upsetment. I feel really upset by what she's done but people on here are more worried about the money! I think feelings and friendship are more than money any day I could always offer to pay for my meal? X

OP posts:

WizardOfToss · 01/09/2016 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hippoesque · 01/09/2016 14:25

I never understand why people have to go everywhere with their husbands/partners! Surely you accepted the invite with the knowledge it was just you and it was fine then. Weddings cost a lot and I think it's very immature to suddenly decide that you're not going because someone else is/isn't invited. Friendships don't recover from these kinds of situations so maybe you'd reconsider on those grounds.

Gazelda · 01/09/2016 14:26

I agree with you that it appears to be an odd decision of the bride's, but I think you've behaved badly by messaging her your cancellation.

You could instead have tried to have a conversation about it, to find out if there is a reason behind it. And shown her the courtesy of a verbal cancellation rather than a text which probably came across very curt and dismissive.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/09/2016 14:29

Gazelda What would be an acceptable reason to have lied to a good friend of 20 years?

Crocodillian · 01/09/2016 14:29

Can you two have a proper talk about all of this. Get to the bottom of what's gone on and find out if she just outright lied to you and why, and also to see if she apologises. Or alternatively to see whether there's some reasonable explanation. The best outcome is surely that you two remain friends.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/09/2016 14:30

Gazelda What would be an acceptable reason for the bride to have lied to her good friend of 20 years?

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