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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends wedding

184 replies

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:32

Hi everyone this is my first time on here and I need some opinions off people who aren't my family / friends.
My friend of 20 years is getting married in a week and my partner wasn't invited. I was a bit upset about this but she said she wasn't inviting any partners because of budget. However last night I found out that 3 of my other friends/ acquaintances have had their partners invited and they are going. This felt like a kick in the stomach and made me feel singled out. I messaged her this morning and told her I won't be going to the wedding now as I feel a bit upset that other friends partners have been invited but not mine I have to be true to myself and how I feel since then I've had one of her friends confronting me on Facebook saying I should just go as I've really upset her this friend has her husband going! What are your opinions on this?

OP posts:

GemmaWella81 · 01/09/2016 16:39

I'd hazard she didn't consider about being 'found out' as she wasn't lying to begin with.

The whole sorry sags smacks of either a reasonable explanation from the bride or she's just a vindictive bitch... I know what my money's on.

AuroraBora · 01/09/2016 16:44

It's entirely possible they have needed some criteria to make the cut of who was invited, and decided other halves can come only if they are married.

I went to a wedding like this. I was single at the time but was aware that one guest was that her partner of 10 years wasn't invited, and a couple who was married but had been together only 3 years were both invited. She had sucked up the bad feelings for the wedding, but I don't think she was happy!

elvis86 · 01/09/2016 16:54

You're being unreasonable.

Not sure how your friend came to give you an explanation for your partner not being invited(?), but if you challenged her and you were as melodramatic as you sound in your OP, I'm hardly surprised she tried to placate you with an explanation.

Ultimately she doesn't need a reason. Their wedding - they decide who to invite. It doesn't sound like you'll know everyone on the guest list, so for all you know there may well be other friends who the couple wanted to invite but whose partners weren't included. You feel "singled out" on the basis of 3 other couples you know.

If you felt that strongly, I suppose you could have asked her why calmly - but really if she's already confirmed that it's not a mistake, it would be likely to be an awkward conversation, not really one she'll want to have the week before her wedding, and one where you may not like her response.

Throwing a tantrum and dropping out of attending a week before is pathetic.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 01/09/2016 16:56

I wouldn't be going. Different if she invited everyone in the group without partners, but to single you out no way.

I wouldn't be questioning her though, she has her reasons and her decision.

Shit excuse though as she has invited some partners.

She obviously isn't as much as a friend as you think.

romanvilla · 01/09/2016 17:01

I'm confused. The bride tells her friend that none of her other friends' partners are invited but when surely the Op would see them all in the church?

You're both a bit unreasonable; her for lying, you for backing out a week before the wedding.

I suspect this will be the end of your friendship.

yummumto3girls · 01/09/2016 17:06

OP, I'm with you! Why would anyone invite someone to a wedding without their partner, it's just rude! If you had only been together a short time then maybe but not when you live together and have a baby. Did she think that if she did not invite partner then he could stay with baby and therefore baby would not need to come? The fact that you have been treated differently would upset me, however I would have a conversation with her and find out her reasoning.

DryIce · 01/09/2016 17:07

Wow, sorry OP but I am afraid I am Team Bridge on this one.

Maybe she doesn't consider husbands partners, maybe the three husbands you're referring to are excellent friends with her/her fiance (to accuse her of lying using a sample size of 3 couples from an entire wedding is a little harsh!), maybe she has some other reasonable explanation - all of which you would know if you had called her and spoken like a grown up.

Although even that would be quite excessive - it is, after all, her wedding and you had agreed to attend on your own.

Cancelling so last minute to such a big, organised and expensive event is extremely rude, and very childish.

DryIce · 01/09/2016 17:08

Haha *Team Bride

Rainbunny · 01/09/2016 17:10

YADNBU OP! I'm usually very much on the side of suck it up and wear the orange bm dress/drive 5000 miles to the wedding venue/smile and clap even though you know the groom is a cheating no-good knob etc... but this is absolutely a rude snub to you. The bride is saying that she doesn't value your relationship with your DP (and by extension you really) and it's a very serious relationship ffs. She may not be close to your DP but if you're going to have a wedding where you invite partners it's not a reason to leave one out (and how to get closer to people if you're never invited to anything with them?) I wouldn't go either tbh, everyone else enjoying it with their partners/spouses while I'm feeling like a second class citizen whose partner wasn't worthy of an invite.

Weddings sometimes bring out poor behaviour in brides/grooms and they lose sight of how rude they are being in the name of money/budget. No one should be forced to overspend of course but to invite everyone but one friend's partner and then be expect the one friend to be happy about it shows how insensitive the bride is being.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/09/2016 17:11

I think she's been incredibly rude. I wouldn't want to go to a wedding without my partner either OP.

Dadstheworld · 01/09/2016 17:11

I think it would change the dynamics of the evening for the OP. It's one thing if it's a group of friends, But throw in partners who don't know anyone outside of that friend group and it could make for an awkward night for the OP.

AmysTiara · 01/09/2016 17:14

I agree with you op. It was mean of her to lie to you and I'd be upset too

GabsAlot · 01/09/2016 17:14

why are people going on about a technicality

its not flipping university challenge

alot of people arent married these days does that mean they ont get an invite coz theyre not techinically a husband?

she lied and u need to ask her why

Rainbunny · 01/09/2016 17:17

"I think it would change the dynamics of the evening for the OP. It's one thing if it's a group of friends, But throw in partners who don't know anyone outside of that friend group and it could make for an awkward night for the OP."

That's rather a sad statement and how will anyone ever be able to bring in a new gf/bf/partner to a group of friends who are that exclusionary? Glad my circle of friends are more welcoming!By your logic OP's partner will never be included or become closer to her friends.

I met some of my best friends at my DH's friend's wedding (we'd only been dating about 3 months at that point). DH's friends were lovely, welcoming and we had a great time. The bride who I had barely met has become a wonderful friend - she threw my hen night two years later!

HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 17:22

Instead of assuming bride is a bitch, has anyone thought that OP's dude could be a thundering gobshite, and plain isn't welcome at the wedding?

MissBattleaxe · 01/09/2016 17:23

when did it become the done thing to try and dictate a wedding guest list?

When did it become the done thing to exclude partners and upset friends in the name of The Perfect Wedding?

I would never invite half of an established couple to a wedding. It's bloody rude. You're going to need friends for a long time. Just because a bride is a bride doesn't give her the right to be rude.

I'd rather have a cheaper wedding than a posh one where I offend and exclude guests.

Weatherforecaster · 01/09/2016 17:25

I don't understand why it's rude. The bride invited her friend. Why is it rude to not invite a partner? In my circle of friends and family that would add on £1600 at £100 a head. It's not rude to not want to fork out for people you aren't close to.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 01/09/2016 17:30

Whilst cancelling with such short notice is pretty bad form, I can completely understand why you did it OP.
I get not inviting stranger partners (though I personally wouldn't attend a wedding alone unless I knew others going) I cannot understand how your group of friend's husbands were invited but not your partner (who is, let's face it, after 2 years and a child, is pretty much a husband albeit not on paper).
Going alone with friends who are also alone is fine but being the gooseberry is awful.

You do need to call your friend though, if only to find out why she felt lying to you (okay, lying by omission) was they way to go.

Lifegavemelemons · 01/09/2016 17:41

I cannot understand how your group of friend's husbands were invited but not your partner (who is, let's face it, after 2 years and a child, is pretty much a husband albeit not on paper).

But for lots of people that bit of paper matters - which is why they get married, which is why we see lots of "why won't he marry me?" threads on here. For many people it's a really significant difference between partner and husband. Maybe that's the case for the bride (after all she is choosing to get married) in which case she really would not have thought she was lying, even by omission. "No partners" means simply that.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2016 17:42

YANBU

I would have done the same as you, except I wouldn't have told her why I was declining the invite. If she asked then I'd tell her.

If she didn't invite the both of us, I'd consider the friendship over. I've got no time for anyone who would do what I consider rude, towards my other half.

Even though I'm one for marriage and not living together, that's absolutely no excuse not to invite a partner of 2 years. It's a serious relationship and not a casual fling.

Plus she lied to you. It wasn't a lie by omission, it was an outright lie.

SquidgyRedBall · 01/09/2016 17:44

I think you should have found out why he wasn't invited but others were before you said you wouldn't go.

I would be absolutely fuming if someone told me the week before my wedding they couldn't come. Not only the cost, but the fact they could have arranged for someone else to take your place. If there's a table plan it's going to look pretty odd with one guest missing, and if they can fill your spot it may require reorganising which isn't always as simple as it sounds.

I totally understand both sides of the story here - but I wouldn't be surprised if your friendship is never the same again.

zippey · 01/09/2016 17:46

Cancelling with such short notice and with no good reason equals shit friend really.

Pimmmms · 01/09/2016 17:55

I think she has a very good reason t not go. If she had turned up to the wedding on her own and then seen all of her other friends WITH their partners it would have been awful. I wouldn't go under these circumstances. Treat your friends fairly. She's not upset because you're not attending, she's upset because she knows she acted in a shitty way, but its easier to blame the other person rather than admit that you are acting like a dick.

chicknquack · 01/09/2016 17:56

"Cancelling with such short notice and with no good reason equals shit friend really."

Good thing she has a good reason then.

I'm on team-she-lied-to-you-so-isn't-that-great-a-friend-after-all

HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 17:58

Thats a no then, I guess. So nice that a forum of women automatically assume its a problem with the woman, and not the man in question.

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