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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends wedding

184 replies

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:32

Hi everyone this is my first time on here and I need some opinions off people who aren't my family / friends.
My friend of 20 years is getting married in a week and my partner wasn't invited. I was a bit upset about this but she said she wasn't inviting any partners because of budget. However last night I found out that 3 of my other friends/ acquaintances have had their partners invited and they are going. This felt like a kick in the stomach and made me feel singled out. I messaged her this morning and told her I won't be going to the wedding now as I feel a bit upset that other friends partners have been invited but not mine I have to be true to myself and how I feel since then I've had one of her friends confronting me on Facebook saying I should just go as I've really upset her this friend has her husband going! What are your opinions on this?

OP posts:
Sara107 · 01/09/2016 14:31

Can't imagine inviting anyone to a wedding without their partner, unless it's a very new relationship that has started since the invitations went out which is not the case here.

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 14:36

Are you serious? I'm certainly not one of these that need their partners to hold the hand what are you finding hard to grasp here? It's the fact she lied and Invited other friends and their partners but not mine it's hurtful

OP posts:
Lifegavemelemons · 01/09/2016 14:38

But has she invited HUSBANDS but not partners? Some people think there is a big difference.

Alwayschanging1 · 01/09/2016 14:39

It would be the lying that would upset me too.
I can't stand these type of mind games.
I would stay at home, get a takeaway and put my feet up.

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 14:39

They are husbands yes your not telling me people are that way of thinking still its 2016!!

OP posts:
Crocodillian · 01/09/2016 14:40

I still think you need to hear it all from the horse's mouth op

Gazelda · 01/09/2016 14:41

Maybe the other partners/DHs are friends with the groom? Or she has slept with your DP, or there is some other skeleton you are unaware of?

As I previously stated, it does seem an odd decision, but I'd have wanted to talk reasonably to find out if there's a misunderstanding rather than a blunt message which smacks of sulkiness.

The friend messaging OP is not helping matters.

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 14:41

Thanks everyone for your input even if I don't agree with some of it I put this on here so I have to expect every one has different views x

OP posts:
SheSparkles · 01/09/2016 14:44

Is your partner the only partner to not be invited?

Bogeyface · 01/09/2016 14:44

My first thought was that in order to shave numbers they only invited married couples and everyone else got a single invite. I can sort of see the logic to that when people dont live together but when you are living together (to quote the tax credits forms) "as if you were married" then to only invite one is not on.

Fontella · 01/09/2016 14:46

Friendships don't recover from these kinds of situations so maybe you'd reconsider on those grounds.

Not much of a friend if she doesn't invite the man you live with and the father of your child with whom she has socialised on many occasions ... and then lies about the reasons for doing so.

KoalaDownUnder · 01/09/2016 14:47

YANBU

I think it's extremely rude not to invite long-term partners to weddings.

(And no, I'm not joined at the hip with my partner; I actually don't even have one, and have been to a gazillion weddings on my own.)

TaterTots · 01/09/2016 15:04

Your friend was wrong to lie to you. However, if you don't go to the wedding you are essentially ending the friendship. No bride wants to spend her wedding day being asked 'So where's X?' Think carefully about whether it's worth throwing away 20 years because of this.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 01/09/2016 15:04

Yes, it could be the partner vs husband thing.
People get very traditional sometimes when planning a wedding...

I still find the lying very rude, and would have reacted the same as you

WizardOfToss · 01/09/2016 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lifegavemelemons · 01/09/2016 15:17

The bride hasn't lied if they haven't invited partners though. If she has invited married couples I.e husbands of friends - but not the live in partners of the not married then she has been consistent.

The OP might not think there is a difference but there is, legally there is and for many people, evidently, there is a social difference too. The bride appears to be someone who thinks there is a difference and that's her cut off point for invites. If she said partners she meant partners - she didn't say, or mean, husbands. If that is the case she didn't lie.

Don't suit the messenger - that's just the first thing that I thought of when the OP said her friend's husband was invited.

Lifegavemelemons · 01/09/2016 15:20

Oops "shoot" not "suit" of course!

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/09/2016 15:26

Life I would only ever accept that situation (ie, husbands only and not partners) if the bride and groom had not lived together prior to the wedding. Otherwise, they are being hypocritical as well as stupidly old fashioned.

george1020 · 01/09/2016 15:35

Friend is being a bitch for some reason or another but you really need to find out what the problem is.
Give her a call and have a chat about it all, I'm not suggesting you back down in fact I think you should stick to your guns but she may have what she feels is a legitimate reason to not invite DP.

Don't pay her for your meal either it's her problem for being so rude and unkind.

Weatherforecaster · 01/09/2016 16:09

Your poor friend. This is her wedding. It should be a really happy time and you've turned it into something that's about you. There is a difference between a partner of two years and a husband and it's up to her to decide who she wants at her wedding.

She obviously felt she couldn't even tell you the truth. Maybe backed up by this overreaction and 'I'm not going' approach. A twenty year friendship down the drain because you don't want to be away from your partner for a day. Rediculous.

If I get married I'll invite some partners and not others. It depends how well I know them and whether I actually want them there. It's around £80-100 a head so why on earth should people have people there just because they happen to be a partner to a friend.

GemmaWella81 · 01/09/2016 16:19

Westherforecaster..... There's no room for rational reasoned thinking in here. Wind it in!

OP get a grip, pick up the phone and sort it out. By all means carrying being a sulking teenager, she'll have a great day with or without you.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 01/09/2016 16:20

StillDrSethHazlittMD
They are getting married, so to them there is a difference btw parter and husband. If no difference, why get married?

CRazzyyAce · 01/09/2016 16:22

Its difficult as we dont have the brides pov she might think your DP is bad drunk hit on her, is an ex of her close friend . Shes gone with married couples that fine, 2 years isn't long in the grand scheme of things had a child with ex together 2 years live together we split up, it does happen.

she had to draw the line and she decided to stick with married couples, i think your being a tad childish to be honest.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 01/09/2016 16:29

Still not getting what she's done wrong. She's invited the people she most cares about to her wedding and your DP isnt one of them. She's also invited husbands as plus 1's perhaps not great as an exclusive criteria, but a widely excepted thing to do, then invite partners based on other factors or in her case not at all.

It's not about the 50-100 just for your DP, although thats not insignificant - am sure if it was an informal gathering or night out he'd be invited! But more likely shes done what most of us do, writen a big list of people she'd like there including your dp, then realised shes got more people than she thought, is a thousand or so over budget or have too many people for the venue and needs to cull a few people. If faced with a choice between extended family, work colleagues, school friends, kids, partners or partners of less than x years then most partners and most non family kids are common choices.

Really dont get the upset when you were happy to go without him initially. Or why people are saying she lied, she didnt. She didnt invite partners as plus 1's just, i assume, partners who are close enough to the couple to get an invite in their own right.

Who would you rather she bumped from the guest list and when did it become the done thing to try and dictate a wedding guest list?

dustarr73 · 01/09/2016 16:35

Op I get where you're coming from. She lied by omission. When she told you partner s weren't invited, that's the time to say husband are.She made it out it was all girls together and have a laugh.

Being there on your own while all your friends are with their husband is horrible, really changes the dynamics.

Anyway how did she think you wouldn't find out, you would have seem them the minute you walked into the wedding anyway.

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