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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

184 replies

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:32

Hi everyone this is my first time on here and I need some opinions off people who aren't my family / friends.
My friend of 20 years is getting married in a week and my partner wasn't invited. I was a bit upset about this but she said she wasn't inviting any partners because of budget. However last night I found out that 3 of my other friends/ acquaintances have had their partners invited and they are going. This felt like a kick in the stomach and made me feel singled out. I messaged her this morning and told her I won't be going to the wedding now as I feel a bit upset that other friends partners have been invited but not mine I have to be true to myself and how I feel since then I've had one of her friends confronting me on Facebook saying I should just go as I've really upset her this friend has her husband going! What are your opinions on this?

OP posts:
Totallyspies17 · 01/09/2016 17:59

I wouldn't have gone but I also wouldn't have confronted her with the real reason. I think what you did was actually the right thing and I wish I had the guts to be honest when I've been hurt by people

Rainbunny · 01/09/2016 18:01

"I totally understand both sides of the story here - but I wouldn't be surprised if your friendship is never the same again."

I think the friendship is damaged already by having excluded OP's partner, the ONLY partner to be excluded it seems.

As for only inviting married couples to weddings, even my extremely conservative christian inlaws invite dating couples to family weddings (and they are seriously old-school, my now PILs wouldn't let DH and I share a bedroom when visiting before we got married- we were in our thirties and already lived together... that bothered them too of course!) If nothing else, my inlaws see weddings as events to encourage the non-married couples to get married.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/09/2016 18:02

Hedda This forum, and this thread, isn't solely comprised of women

HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 18:02

I know that, but I bet you its 99% female.

FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2016 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueturtle6 · 01/09/2016 18:13

At least you found out beforehand and could make decision, if you'd gone on the day and everyone else was coupled up, you'd feel a bit gooseberry and not the girls together day you were expecting. Could have been an awkward day. Hope you get to the bottom of it.

SquidgyRedBall · 01/09/2016 18:17

Rainbunny what I mean. OP is going to be pissed off with the bride that her DP wasn't invited, and bride is going to be pissed off OP cancelled at such short notice.

If I was OP I wouldn't want to go, but also, it's hard to judge when we don't know brides reasons. Personally I think there's more to it, you would have to be a super shitty person to tell your friend of 20 years that partners aren't invited but invite partners anyway.

MissBattleaxe · 01/09/2016 18:33

In my circle of friends and family that would add on £1600 at £100 a head. It's not rude to not want to fork out for people you aren't close to

In such circumstances I would rather have a cheaper wedding than leave bad statse with many friends.

I think it's really sad that the Wedding Circus has led us to the stage where the meaning of celebration is getting lost.

It used to be "come one and all and celebrate our happy day."

And now it's "You haven't been with your partner long enough to merit an invitation for them. Due to the poshness of our wedding, we are therefore not inviting them"

These days, weddings have become like A list cocktail parties and they seem to be getting further away from what the day symbolises and celebrates.

Rainbunny · 01/09/2016 18:34

I agree with you Squidgy, it's just that I think the bride caused the issue. There may be far more to this of course but in my experience I've seen brides/grooms act with breathtaking self-centredness without even considering the hurt they cause. My friend was once the only SIL (out of 3) of a bride not to be asked to be a bridesmaid - because she was very overweight and would make the pictures displeasing to the bride. The bride actually got along with my friend, she just lost all sense of decent behaviour when it came to her wedding.

HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 18:39

Hedda, OP said the bride and partner get on. So no reason to think he is anything but a normal guy

No, she didn't. She said they'd had drinks a few times and that he "wasn't an offensive person" which is a bit of an odd comment unless someone has suggested to her that he is rather offensive.

For all we know he's an uber-cunt.

SquidgyRedBall · 01/09/2016 18:41

It's easy done rainbunny I always thought I would be a laid back bride but I'm stressing myself out right now with trying to please everyone and you just can't do it. You are right in that the bride probably instigated it but there has to be more to it.

It's the brides and grooms day and up to them how they do it, but they must have known OP would find out so why be so shitty and sly about it. That's what I don't get.

MissBattleaxe · 01/09/2016 18:42

I would rather have a cheaper wedding than leave bad statse with many friends

What I meant to say was that I would have a cheaper wedding rather than leave a bad taste in the mouths of guests. Guests have very long memories of bad weddings.

I think it's really rude to invite half a couple if they are living together and/or have children together. It's not worth the penny pinching.

TaterTots · 01/09/2016 18:53

Thats a no then, I guess. So nice that a forum of women automatically assume its a problem with the woman, and not the man in question.

And Hedda wins the Mumsnet Bingo prize! It took until page four, but someone managed to blame the man despite not one shred of evidence that he's done anything wrong!

The bride lied to her friend. The friend pulled out of the wedding at a week's notice. Another (female) friend sticks her oar in and causes further division. Yet we're all somehow traitors to the sisterhood for not saying 'it must be down to him'?

HappinessLivesHere · 01/09/2016 18:55

I didn't invite a friends partner as I absolutely detest the EA he inflicts on her and I'd be on edge all day him being there. Gives me the creeps just thinking about him. Could you have mentioned something to your friends that might skew their view of him?

LunaLoveg00d · 01/09/2016 18:59

This all boils down to the fact that OP and the bride interpret the word "partner" in a different way.

OP takes partner to mean anyone you're in a relationship with, whether you describe them as your boyfriend, partner, fiance or husband.

The bride takes partner to mean someone you're in a relationship with, but not married to.

Both OP and the bride are correct. So bride was not lying when she said "Partners aren't invited" according to her definition. According to the OP she was, because OP attaches a different meaning to partner.

There may be all manner of reasons why the bride and groom have had to restrict numbers. None of the OP's business really. Bride obviously wanted to invite OP to see her get married and now OP is throwing the rattle out of her pram because of a simple misunderstanding.

LunaLoveg00d · 01/09/2016 19:03

I was of the understanding that no ones partner was going thought was all girls having a laugh then I found out differently

Bride didn't lie. OP "assumed".

CRazzyyAce · 01/09/2016 19:05

I hated my maid of honours husband he's an rude horrible man but I invited him for my friend, the bastard decided to bring up my DB drug history ( he been clean 10plus years) to my other DB. I wish I excluded him from the day thankfully my DB didn't react but only because it was my wedding day. I can't bear the man and refuse to speak to now.

HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 19:07

And Hedda wins the Mumsnet Bingo prize! It took until page four, but someone managed to blame the man despite not one shred of evidence that he's done anything wrong

You get a bigger prize, for failing to notice that the FOUR PAGES of women somehow managed to blame the woman (bride) and only her, despite not one shred of evidence that she has done anything wrong.

Try a little logic dear. If your friend of 20 years invites everyone elses partner but yours, the chances are that, rather that your dear friend is being a bitch for no reason, and no gain, its more likely she thinks your partner is a wanker.

chicknquack · 01/09/2016 19:15

Hedda, fairy snuff, if you hate a husband or partner and don't want to invite them but don't lie about it. Turning up to a wedding where you think it is going to be a group of girls and then finding out that you are the only one who's partner is not invited is shitty.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/09/2016 19:23

One of my friends cancelled three days before. Called my future MIL. Still don't know why she didn't come.

Metalguru · 01/09/2016 19:27

I'm amazed that nobody has said but it's not about YOU it's about the bride and groom and THEIR SPECIAL DAY Grin

Op yanbu

FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2016 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlechip · 01/09/2016 19:34

YANBU
Assuming there's no really good reason, she's essentially asking you to turn up for a day long event supporting her in her relationship but isn't even inviting your partner along? I'd be peed off too. And people are saying that the fact she's losing maybe £50 is worse than that?

RortyCrankle · 01/09/2016 19:35

I don't think YABU at all and don't understand how anyone can say you are.

ThatStewie · 01/09/2016 21:14

Hedda I agree - lots of woman-bashing on here when we do t actually know why he wasn't invited. Could be he's a massive wanker & the bride hates him so much she refuses to have him at the wedding. Could also be that the groom can't stand him & rather than say this, the bride went with 'couldn't invite partners'. I've been to more than one social situation where the male partner of a good friend of the hosts found themselves uninvited because he was abusive/ an asshole.

Weddings aren't public declarations of friendships. Not everyone gets along and it is ok not to invite someone to an event when you just don't like them.