Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

184 replies

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:32

Hi everyone this is my first time on here and I need some opinions off people who aren't my family / friends.
My friend of 20 years is getting married in a week and my partner wasn't invited. I was a bit upset about this but she said she wasn't inviting any partners because of budget. However last night I found out that 3 of my other friends/ acquaintances have had their partners invited and they are going. This felt like a kick in the stomach and made me feel singled out. I messaged her this morning and told her I won't be going to the wedding now as I feel a bit upset that other friends partners have been invited but not mine I have to be true to myself and how I feel since then I've had one of her friends confronting me on Facebook saying I should just go as I've really upset her this friend has her husband going! What are your opinions on this?

OP posts:
HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 21:49

Sorry Hedda, but that is not what OP said

Its exactly what she said, I quoted her.

I have a friend who would tell you I like her husband. I don't, he's a shit kicker of the highest order, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. She's oblivious though.

Ask yourself this: why would the bride not invite him if she gets on with him? She invited everyone else, there is no benefit to her here. Seems reasonable to ask if just maybe its him.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 01/09/2016 22:16

I have been in your position.

July 2006 was my friend's wedding. I had been with my partner (now husband and father of my 2 children) for a year. In fact, it was exactly a year come the day of the wedding. I received an invite with my name on it in May 2006. No partner's name. I text her to enquire and she text me back saying that they didn't have the space for my partner. I would be lying by saying I wasn't upset. It was her decision at the end of the day but I was still allowed to be disappointed. I sat on it for a few days and pondered and realised that it was our one year anniversary of us meeting. I politely declined the invite. I didn't feel comfortable going to a wedding in which everyone I knew was part of the wedding party and I would be 'alone' so to speak. My partner was invited to the evening do but because it was in the middle of nowhere, i didn't feel right celebrating the day part with him stuck upstairs in a room!

Unfortunately it was the last time I heard from her. i text her to wish her a happy day and sent a card and gift but never heard from her. It was sad. She was a school friend, we were close until I went to university and sadly we just drifted apart.

I saw her a few years later on a train. She spotted me and kept her head low as though she was embarrassed or didn't want to be recognised and once she was served by my mum in the local supermarket and seemed 'uncomfortable'.

I'd happily get back in touch with her though. I understand it was her choice of who to invite but as the host, you have to understand that sometimes people don't feel like they can go or may not be able to contribute to the happy day and best left out of it.

I have also been on the receiving end as a host. I had a 'no child' wedding except for best man and my friend who was nursing at the time. Simply because there were only 32 people and no entertainment in the evening - just chatting in a room we had hired. She didn't like it but didn't have the courtesy to decline the invite politely. Not seen her since!

In your situation, we can only answer from the information been given. But instead of declining citing the 'lies' she told, maybe ask for an explanation of why she told you partners not allowed (so to speak) but friends have their partners attending. Ask outright if there is a problem with your partner attending?
Puts the ball in their court.

FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2016 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 22:28

Well is it a few times or lots of times? And so what, she goes to see her friend, maybe she can't avoid him?

That is the question, yes. Why would she, unless she has a good reason? Fun? You don't seem to have an answer. IT's logical that she thinks she has a good reason, at least.

FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2016 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlinaTree · 01/09/2016 22:54

I wonder if she felt she had to invite the other couples as her and her h2b had been to their weddings?

I think it's rude not to invite couples who live together tbh. When we were planning our wedding we did have a few people there we had not met, but as they were serious partners of friends that was just the way it was. I would think it very odd if my dh was invited to a friend's wedding without me. The exception to this is work colleagues I think, if he was invited to a work colleague's wedding as a single I'd understand that.

So YANBU to be upset and offended op.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2016 23:03

Cancelling with such short notice and with no good reason equals shit friend really.

She has a good reason. A very good one at that

Any friend who didn't invite my partner and invited others, would very quickly be crossed of my friend list.

It's an insult. She wants you say there on your own. Others will be dancing with their other halves and you'll be on your own. Well good luck to her. Let her have her day, but I wouldn't be there. She should be ashamed of herself for lying to a friend of 20 years like that.

All these brides who think they can do what the hell they like, should remember a wedding is just one day, but your shitty behaviour will loose you friends and family will get fed up of you

How great a wedding would these brides have if their guests didn't attend.

A friend of mine tried something similar years ago and I just said I wasn't going. In the end she called to apologise and put it down to the stress of organising the wedding, but I'd had enough of her crazy bride behaviour.

TaterTots · 01/09/2016 23:14

Stewie - even if OP's partner is vile, how is it 'woman bashing' to criticise the bride? People are criticising her for lying; they're not saying 'women are lying bitches'. Would it be 'man bashing' if it turned out the OP's partner was a see you next Tuesday and we called that out? Or would we just be criticising him as an individual?

Eirabach378 · 01/09/2016 23:25

I absolutely would not be attending this wedding either OP. Yanbu

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2016 00:18

I can't get over that some people think that it's okay for the B&G to be possible members of the Morality Police and not invite the OP's partner because they're not married.

Do you really think that could be the reason? In this day and age?

Etiquette-wise, I think it's quite bad that he wasn't invited in the first place anyway and to lie about it adds insult to injury.

I'd have told her to stuff her invitation too (but politely).

kali110 · 02/09/2016 02:05

I'd still go.i wouldn't care if my other half wasn't invited, or if i wasn't invited. He certainly wouldn't care about not being invited.
I don't think it's the crime of the century.
maybe she's only invited the people she is closest too.
Some people really do think there is a huge difference between husband and long term partner, even today, so she may not have even thought of it as lying.
If you're that bothered by it then you need to pick up the phone and ring her.
You've been friends for over 20years, is this really worth falling out over Confused

JessicasCrocodile · 02/09/2016 02:52

It possible that the bride has invited married couples simply because she went to their weddings.

Sending a text is a crap way of turning down an invite at such short notice.

Ilovecharliecat · 02/09/2016 03:38

I'd not bother going, unless you're given the reason that it's too many numbers, and again I'd think twice.i know that weddings are expensive but they are taking the piss...ahh to be honest... Tell them to fuck off, you're much better than that 💕

AnnaT45 · 02/09/2016 03:46

YANBU. Being married shouldn't really matter! If it's because she went to their weddings she should have explained that to you. I would feel glad in a way you found out before though. Can't imagine how you'd feel on the day!

aussiecita · 02/09/2016 03:50

I wouldn't go. I think it's hideously poor form to ask you to acknowledge and celebrate her union, whilst not extending your relationship the same courtesy.

To my mind, you decide your guest list and then plan the wedding you can afford, not the other way around.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/09/2016 03:51

^ I completely agree with aussiecita.

(Perhaps it's an Aussie thing? Wink)

Squabblesallaround · 02/09/2016 04:35

I think this all comes down to crap communication. We can make assumptions as to the reason why DP wasn't invited but only the bride knows for sure and should have explained it to you, and you should have asked.

I went to a friends wedding last year on a single invite (told no partners due to budget) and when I got there 4 out of the 8 of our friendship group had husbands there. They all worked/were close friends with the groom so were there in their own right not as a +1. No big deal, I still had a great time and we all socialised and chatted together!

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable cancelling so last minute without speaking to the bride first to ascertain the reasons

laurenandsophie · 02/09/2016 07:57

This is from a bride's perspective ...

My DH and I wanted a small wedding, and laboured over our guest list. We didn't want to cause offence, but found ourselves making hard decisions.

We ended up inviting some of our friends' partners/spouses, but not all. We made decisions based on how much we liked each partner, whether we'd been invited to their weddings, whether they would have childcare issues, etc. It was really hard for the most part.

Some of my friends' partners weren't invited, and a couple of them msgd me to ask if it would actually be ok if their partners came too. Each time I was surprised - there's no way I'd ever ask that, I'd just enjoy it on my own - but was quite pleased that the partner might have wanted to enjoy our day too. Each time, DH and I said absolutely, bring them along!

... every one who did that in the end didn't even come. I was devastated. One had a newborn and another couldn't afford it, so that's just life. But another friend didn't even return the rsvp and didn't make contact - haven't bothered seeing her since. Another, my BFF from high school, I msgd 2 days before to ask her something else about the wedding arrangements and she said 'oh nah, I won't be coming after all'. She claimed that she and her DP had broken up and that she was keeping a low profile. I was pretty heartbroken. Didn't help that she was evidently not keeping a low profile at all. Never heard from her since.

My point is that you don't know your bride's reasoning and you were more focussed on taking offence than on trying to understand, that you two seem to have communication issues otherwise your (plural) communications would have been more open and direct, that sure she might not have been perfect but neither have you, and that - if this person really is your friend - it would be a huge waste to allow this to affect your friendship.

My other comment is you haven't mentioned how your DP feels about this. Does he care, and if not why are you letting it get to you? If so, is he contributing to your feelings or in some way choosing to encourage you to feel isolated rather than excited for a fun time away from your regular life?

Sorry for the length of the post! Smile

ThatStewie · 02/09/2016 08:33

Tater when the first reaction is to call a woman a lying bitch without questioning the possibility that there might be a valid reason why the bride & groom made the decision & why the bride said 'no partners', it is woman blaming. There are numerous reasons why the partner wasn't invited. Without knowing these people in RL, we can't assume the bride is a liar or a bitch or controlling. But immediately assuming the woman is to blame, despite a 20 year friendship, isn't reasonable.

It's perfectly reasonable to not attend a wedding/ party that your partner hasn't been invited to. It's perfectly reasonable not to invite everyone's partner/ husband.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 02/09/2016 11:06

Some people really do think there is a huge difference between husband and long term partner, even today, so she may not have even thought of it as lying.
Exactly! There is a difference, especially to someone about to get married!

Doesn't mean I agree with inviting husbands and not partners though.

TaterTots · 02/09/2016 11:25

Stewie - it's really, really isn't. The bride DID lie - that we know. We know nothing about the OP's partner; any 'blame' on his part would be pure speculation. I don't understand how it's possible to turn this into a gender issue.

dustarr73 · 02/09/2016 11:28

But the bride lied and made out it was only woman and not partners/husbands.

All she had to say was mary and harold and kim and jack are going.Why lie especially when op turned up at the wedding and seen them.If she had told her the truth she would have made an informed decision rather than now saying she is not going.Thats down to the bride, not the op.

HeddaLettuce · 02/09/2016 11:33

I have to wonder about the thinking capacity of the average AIBU responder here. You read a couple of lines from the OP, and construct a whole scenario in your heads where you think you know exactly what happened, and why, and who is a fault, and why they did such a thing (that you don't know they did) and what kind of person they are......do you not realise you're just making this stuff up in your heads, based on pretty much nothing? Why do you treat it as if there are any facts here, there are none.
All of you have is OP's very biased interpretation of what someone else may or may not have actually said, and you run away with it. It's pretty juvenile and silly. And yes, I know that's how AIBU works, but you could at least try and remember that you're not actually involved and you actually know NOTHING.

dustarr73 · 02/09/2016 11:39

Yes HeddaLettuce right back at you.And of course we have to fill in the blanks,we a re only getting one side of the story.

What an absolute stupid comment to make.

HeddaLettuce · 02/09/2016 11:41

Fill in the blanks with what? Your own biases and notions. Which you then use to make sweeping statements.

Its called critical thinking, realising this. You might want to try it sometime.

Its the most sensible comment on the internet today, actually!