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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

184 replies

user1472732726 · 01/09/2016 13:32

Hi everyone this is my first time on here and I need some opinions off people who aren't my family / friends.
My friend of 20 years is getting married in a week and my partner wasn't invited. I was a bit upset about this but she said she wasn't inviting any partners because of budget. However last night I found out that 3 of my other friends/ acquaintances have had their partners invited and they are going. This felt like a kick in the stomach and made me feel singled out. I messaged her this morning and told her I won't be going to the wedding now as I feel a bit upset that other friends partners have been invited but not mine I have to be true to myself and how I feel since then I've had one of her friends confronting me on Facebook saying I should just go as I've really upset her this friend has her husband going! What are your opinions on this?

OP posts:
TaterTots · 02/09/2016 11:41

Hedda - You say all this, yet you've concluded that the OP's partner - the person in the story we know least about - must somehow be at fault because he's a man.

AGruffaloCrumble · 02/09/2016 11:41

YABU. I wouldn't pay £50 for your partner to be there if I didn't personally like or know him.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 02/09/2016 11:43

dustarr from what he OP told us, the bride said no partners, so no, she didn't lie.

carefreeeee · 02/09/2016 11:51

Bride has been rude. Not inviting partners if there were a large group of your friends going who were all single would be one thing, but making a petty distinction between married and unmarried when most are married, is not.

Plus your partner sounds like a long term one and it's like she's saying she doesn't want him to be a friend.

However it might still have been better to just go to the wedding and suck it up, if you value the friendship, as it's very late notice to cancel.

I suggest phone her up and talk it over, then if you still don't want to go you can at least understand each other's view point and she won't have it ruining her day

dustarr73 · 02/09/2016 11:52

Look this is a shock to some people but im allowed to have a different opinions and have different interpretations of events.

I dont have to agree with Heddalettuce or anyone.And to be fair we all fill in the blanks and make giant leaps.We only have 1 side to the story i agree.

And HeddaLettuce making out we are all imbeciles is very insulting.

TaterTots · 02/09/2016 12:00

Unfortunately some of the speculation on this thread has turned into fact thanks to Chinese whispers. Someone suggested the bride may have meant 'no partners' 100% literally, meaning spouses were allowed. Now posters are taking it as 'proof' the bride didn't lie. We have no idea if she even made this distinction!

kali110 · 02/09/2016 12:21

stewie yes conpletely agree with you!
Partly agree with hedda too.
Everyones just agreed that this bride is horrible, controlling yet op hasn't even spoken to her!
A 20year friendship and that's it?
For all we know the bride doesn't get on with the partner, the op and partner have split up numerous times or the bride doesn't think the partner treats the op right.
We don't know.
The op doesn't know!
Maybe the op said spouses weren't going so not to upset the op, or maybe spouses weren't invited at the time!

TaterTots · 02/09/2016 12:23

But if the bride said spouses weren't going to avoid upsetting the OP, what did she think would happen when the OP arrived to see all her friends' husbands standing there?

Sausagerollers · 02/09/2016 18:23

I've been through a similar situation with one of my friendship groups. 5 couples - 3 married, 1 engaged and 1 living together with a child.

When the engaged couple came to get married they didn't invite the male partner but did invite all the husbands. Female partner kicked up a stink and was told quite honestly by the bride-to-be that the reason her OP wasn't on the guest list was because he'd spent the weddings of the other 3 couples stating how he "didn't believe in marriage", "it was an out dated concept" and essentially "a ridiculously over priced party." and she only wanted people who actually believed in marriage to be at the wedding.

Female partner (who was desperate to get married herself) still thought he should get an invite, as did the male partner (even though he had no argument for why he should attend something he didn't believe in).
Neither partner attended in the end, and two years later the male partner had ditched his OP in favour of another woman who he subsequently married!

So my rather long story was to suggest to the OP that maybe its her partner's thoughts/comments on marriage which is the reason behind that non-invitation?

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/09/2016 18:47

if you are a good friend, and B&G come to yours and socialise with dp then yes seems a tad unfair/rude that dp didnt get an invite as well

but in the end its the b&g day and they chose who attends

Fourfifthsof · 02/09/2016 19:54

YABU.

She might be the biggest bitch since Lady Macbeth but it's her wedding, she can invite (and pay for) who she likes.

YorkshireLass2012 · 02/09/2016 20:27

I can sympathise OP as something similar happened to me.
My DP of two years wasn't invited to the wedding of a classmate of ours. We were all part of the same friendship group. And yet partners of other classmates / friends were extended invitations even those who had met after college. So the bride knew these people less well and for a shorter amount of time than my DP. The bride explained that this is due to numbers allowed at the venue. It really upset me at the time and as a result I didn't get as excited about attending the wedding as others. But I did go as I wanted to toast the happy couple and had a lovely time in the end. At great expense (overseas travel was required).

However, I have to admit that years later our friendship has never fully recovered as I was I bit more careful after this in my dealings with the bride.

OP you need to be very clear about how much you value your friendship with the bride and if it is worth forgiving this lie.

Also, I would be tempted to tell friend of the bride who contacted you to butt out given this is between you and the bride. You two don't need a third party stirring the pot!

Yambabe · 02/09/2016 20:47

So hang on, out of a whole wedding full of people 3 husbands have been invited (who may, for all we know, be good friends with the bride or groom in their own right) and you feel slighted? Because THREE people have been invited?

YABVU. But never mind, now that you've backed out one of your other friends might be able to take their currently uninvited partners after all!

OrangeFluff · 02/09/2016 22:08

Grasping at straws here... Maybe the bride and groom have been planning their wedding for a long time (18 months - 2 years is not unusual) so your relationship would've been very new when they wrote their guest list? Numbers/money is tight so can't make changes now without uninviting someone else?

If they make an exception for your partner, will other single guests feel annoyed and want their partner there too?

I assume your 3 friends relationships are much longer than 2 years as they are married, so they probably know the 3 husbands much better than your partner simply due to time spent with them?

I would probably go anyway, and maybe leave early if my 3 friends were making me feel left out (hopefully they wouldn't though).

Beeziekn33ze · 02/09/2016 22:36

YANBU but I hope the bride did take the opportunity and invite someone else's partner instead!

stargirl21 · 03/09/2016 00:14

Ask the bride how she would feel if you marry and don't invite her husband?

Maybe offer to pay for his meal if that helps, I'd be pissed off with her to though and inn not sure how I could be happy to remain her friend

kali110 · 03/09/2016 01:48

Yambabe oh yes, i missed that it were only 3 invited!
20 year friendship because of this?

OrangeFluff yes, very possible.

Bogeyface · 03/09/2016 02:01

But if the reason came down to "When we made the guest list you and X had only been together for 2 months" then surely the bride should have the decency to say so? But she didnt! At best she fudged things by implying that "partner" meant spouse when it clearly didnt, or at worst she outright lied. Either way its not good and if the friendship does end then I would put that onto the bride and not the OP.

Ditsy4 · 03/09/2016 02:56

Nothing like a wedding to stir things up.

Personally I would have received the invite, replied, gone to the wedding. I wouldn't have been offend at DP not going. The couple will have their reasons for not inviting all and have admitted it is financial. The others going must be closer to them as friends in their own right.
I wouldn't want to risk a twenty year friendship because he didn't have an invite. Sorry I think you are BU

MapleandPear · 03/09/2016 03:07

I think people plan weddings arse upwards. Oh this venue is nice, let's have this. Yeah! Got that sorted. Now, let's see, guest list. Oh actually this is a bit expensive. So let's cross off him, him, her...

Make a list of people you want there first and consider their requirements - do they have a plus one? Have you got lots of friends and family with small children?

THEN work out your budget. THEN book your venue.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 03/09/2016 09:40

Maple, that's how I did mine. If the venue couldn't fit my guests then that, just like location, services or price would have put it in the no list.

MissBattleaxe · 04/09/2016 17:47

Maple and Pear- at last! Common sense!

Couples are losing friends because they like a venue so much. It's all skewed.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/09/2016 17:50

That's not on, if other partners are going, you did the right thing.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/09/2016 17:52

Totally agree Maple and Pear, couples get caught up in the romance of it all, and the beautiful venue, but it comes at a price, which means crossing people off lists and upsetting friends and family.

RichardBucket · 04/09/2016 18:07

I'm surprised at the first few pages of replies to this, as well as some of the later. Angst over who's invited to what party should end in primary school.

YABU. The bride is entitled to invite who she wants and questioning her about it is ridiculous, let alone throwing a strop when she isn't paying for someone YOU love to go.