To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

[Gotnopaddle]

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

[Feebot2001]

Have a look on Money Saving Expert, there is loads of great advice there to help you with your debts.

I guess some one will be along with better advice, but for now have a look there and hopefully that will help the freaking out

P.S. Would probably feel the same, so you aren't alone

[Hadjab]

You make a list of all the companies you owe money too. On Tuesday, you start calling those companies, explain your situation to them and come to an arrangement. I know it feels like your world is crashing down on you, but a lot of these companies are actually very helpful if you make the first move. Trust me, been there, done that, and no good will come out of hurrying your head in the sand.

After you've made those arrangements, you talk to hubby. He'll be pissed off, but won't leave you if he loves you

[bookwormnerd]

I would make a list of what you owe, ring up all company's and try make agreement which you can afford. Would your husband really leave you over this when you are at home looking after your child. I would cancel sky, I know we have done that in the past, with some company's if you say want to leave may offer you a deal anyway. Company's will be more sympathetic if you work out payment programme with them. Cancel anything unnecessary.if need a phone do pay as go. Could you consolidate your debt, for example credit card with low interest where you pay off other debt and then pay of as much as can on the one debt rather than lots of debt all collecting interest. Hope your ok, I know I would be very stressed if I couldn't discuss money with my husband, maybe see I you can talk to a debt charity who can help you work out what routes you could take. Maybe look at work from him like child minding where can look after your own child and others. Really hope your ok

[BittyWanter]

Speak to the people you owe.

Ask to do an income and expenditure and ask for a repayment agreement.

Tell them your circumstances have changed.

I've been in your position and we were advised to declare ourselves bankrupt. We didn't. We worked through it.

It will get better, but speak to them.

(And be honest with your DP)

[Gotnopaddle]

Can't consolidate, credit rating is through the floor.

The idea of writing it all down makes me panic. I know I have to though. I think it could be the end of my marriage.

Going to get a free payg sim tomorrow and try to find money to top it up. Then find a way to explain new number to people. Can't make calls at the mo, can only use WiFi at home.

[Olivialoves]

you can transfer your number, just ring your new provider and tell them you want to transfer it :)

[T0ddlerSlave]

Confess and get an evening job.

[bookwormnerd]

I would also say try and talk to your husband if you can (even if its after made a plan of action), is there a reason for his reaction. I worry about debt more as grew up with a family in debt who struggled so I panic more and don't like taking out to many loans so if something simular I can understand why would worry your dh but wouldent he be more annoyed if you got into more debt as didn't talk to him. As said before really hope your ok, you're not the first person in this situation and nor will be the last so dont feel alone and there are ways out even though I may not seem it

[Lollyp333]

Whatever you do, don't hide. I've been in terrible debt before but I faced it and phoned my creditors. They were all amazingly understanding, went through what I could afford and arranged payment plans. If you do get someone who is a dick with you, hang up and call again. Most companies have a proper debt management team. It's better to face it up front before you get into too much shit. The fact that you are pregnant will make them be more sensitive. Whatever you do, don't go to loan sharks etc. I also think you should talk to your husband about this. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You're sharing a baby so should share problems too

[Treetopchallenger]

Why are you in debt? Is it from buying luxuries or day to day things? Does your husband share his income so you both have the same?

[bitteroldotter]

After you've made those arrangements, you talk to hubby. He'll be pissed off, but won't leave you if he loves you

I don't think that's a fair comment - I love my partner but if he got himself into this situation and hid it from me, it would be game over. I'd be heartbroken but debt is a dealbreaker for me too.

You say you are paying out more than you are earning, yet you say he pays all the bills apart from Sky and gives you money for shopping. So he's (rightfully, in my opinion) going to want to know where the money is going.

I think you do need to talk to him and your creditors. This situation needs to be out in the open if it's going to be sorted out.

[bookwormnerd]

Sorry cross posted, I understand writing down can make you panic but it will also let you see how need to split money more effectively, I agree with pp you can transfer number. Company's really are more sympathetic of you tell them your having problems. Are you going back to work after maternity leave, how long have you got left as it may help if you have time scale

[hefzi]

Call Stepchange, OP - 0800 138 1111. They can talk you through your options, and will even deal with your creditors for you if necessary. They are free every step of the way if you need them, too.

Whatever you do, and however tempting it might be, please resist the temptation to take out more debt in any way eg payday loans.

And please - talk to your husband about things.

[dowhatnow]

Whether your DH is unreasonable or not does depend on both your incomes and what the debt was spent on.

[44PumpLane]

If you've racked up debt pissing money up the wall I would understand your DH not wanting to bail you out, if you've racked up debt because you are having to pay for normal household things, clothing for your child and other necessary items whilst having minimal coming in due to maternity leave then your DH has no right to be annoyed at anything other than your "head in the sand" episode.

With that in mind I think you have to write it all down and be honest with him- he shouldn't be "giving" you money, money should be shared (unless you're a spend-a-holic in which case you maybe need to see your GP)

[Gotnopaddle]

Meant to be back at work in January but can't juggle my hours and childcare. So looking for something local but still need to manage it around DS, nobody to have him.

DH earns a fluctuating wage but we have separate finances so he gives me a small amount each week for shopping. No luxuries. Money goes to paying debts off (they have cpa on my account).

[dowhatnow]

Is it a fair small amount or could he afford more?

[Petal40]

I'm rooting for you op....fingers and toes crossed for you,I hope you find the strength to sort it out ....try not to stress .not good for baby x

[RandomMess]

Have you built this debt up because your DH doesn't give you enough to cover the basic cost of living?

Surely if you go back to work DH should be paying 50% of the childcare costs (if not more if he earns more?)

[Gotnopaddle]

He could probably afford more but is not used to spending. Would rather go without than part with cash. Not pregnant BTW, gave birth 7 months ago. I tend to go without myself to make sure DS has everything he needs.

[Trifleorbust]

I have some concerns about the way you refer to what YOU are paying out and what YOU are bringing in. You are on maternity leave. Why don't you have access to your husband's salary? Are you borrowing because you only have access to your maternity pay?

You have no choice but to come clean to your husband about the debt. If he leaves you, perhaps the marriage isn't strong enough to get through turbulent times; to be honest, there isn't enough information here to know.

Start planning for what you would be entitled to if you were on your own. Call a debt advisory agency (not a consolidation company). They will negotiate with your creditors to agree repayments based on what you can afford. But your husband's income will be taken into account - you are married, not a single person. I am not sure why your husband doesn't seem to understand this.

[bitteroldotter]

From your latest post it sounds like you had debts that you were paying off before you got pregnant and now you are reduced to your maternity pay, you cannot afford the repayments - is that correct?

I think you definitely need to explain the situation to your creditors - you may be able to negotiate a period of reduced payments until you return to work.

But you have to be honest with your husband - if he knows nothing of your debt and because of that, he thinks your maternity pay plus the additional money he gives you should be plenty - he's not doing anything wrong.

If you sat and planned this pregnancy/maternity together without you revealing that you would not be able to manage financially because of hidden debt, you need to be prepared for him to feel very betrayed.

[Gotnopaddle]

I borrowed because my wages didn't cover day to day costs and it spiralled from there. He pays mortgage (I'm not on it) and everything else except sky. So he really doesn't see why he should give me his wages.

[Ahrightsoted]

I've been where you are and my dh went apeshit but we worked through it. You need to write down all your debts and do a monthly expenditure list so you can see where your money is going. Is it all going on debt payments?
Go onto the money matters board on here-the drowning in debt thread. They are fantastic and can help you come up with a plan.
CAB are also a starting place.
Please get help and don't hide your head in the sand. He will find out himself eventually and that's what happened to me. At least if u can get a plan of action you will feel more positive about talking to him.
Best of luck and sending you a unmumsnetty hug xx

[Trifleorbust]

Reading your updates, this sounds like financial abuse to me. Your husband insists that he would leave you if you were in debt, but you are going without to spend money you don't have on your son and he refuses to share his income. You want to go back to work but he is treating childcare as if it is your responsibility, so you can't. You need to stop feeling guilty and start thinking pragmatically. You can't rely on your husband. Tell him factually what has been going on and what you need to change. If he can't handle it, get rid of him.