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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

253 replies

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 20:22

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

OP posts:
bitteroldotter · 27/08/2016 21:20

He gives me £40 a week to shop for two adults and a baby.

But is that because he thinks you have other income?

If he does not know that your money is reduced to £10.50 a week because of the CPA and you won't tell him about the debt repayments, I don't see how you have given him the opportunity to help sort this out.

I agree with the benefit of the additional information, that you both need to sit down and talk about how much it costs to run the house and where that money should come from and a fair split of whatever is left over but for this to happen, you need to confess the debt.

AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 21:20

I take it you've cancelled the Sky already?

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:21

No, my only friend called me today to tell me that's she's got high rate PIP so she's got loads more money than she used to. Which upset me of course.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 27/08/2016 21:21

£40 a week to buy all the food and baby needs each week isn't enough, he's being financially abusive.
If you were not together I bet he's have to pay more than that to you in child support.

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:21

So before the baby, when you were earning, he gave you £40 for his share of the weeks food. So he thought £80 per week for food and the sky bill came out of your wages?
How much were you bringing in and how much more did you spend per week, and on what?
On maternity leave did you not renegotiate? How much maternity pay have you had? How does he think you are funding your lifestyle?

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:22

If I confess he will throw me out so I can't do it until I have somewhere to go.

OP posts:
WinterIsHereJon · 27/08/2016 21:23

moneyaware.co.uk/2012/07/how-to-cancel-a-continuous-payment-authority-cpa-on-a-payday-loan/

Might help with cancelling the CPA in the short term. Does your DH know about the payday loans?

IwannaSnorlax · 27/08/2016 21:24

Op I don't have any advice other than as above re phoning the companies you owe & coming to an agreement with each of them but wanted to say I'm rooting for you too. Please speak to your DH & get this out in the open as keeping it secret won't do you any good.

Good luck.

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:25

Before maternity leave he gave me nothing. I gave him money each week towards mortgage and bills. So him giving me money is only the last three weeks because I begged. Before that he didn't ask how I coped. Didn't want to help.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 21:26

He won't throw you out. It's your house as much as it's his. Doesn't matter that you're not on the mortgage, you're married.

Just tell him. Tell him what you have coming in, and going out.

You're supposed to be a team. You're DS is not only your financial responsibility.

OnionKnight · 27/08/2016 21:27

So he doesn't know that you have a CC, let alone the fact that you're in debt?

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 21:28

He can't throw you out of the marital home. You both have the right to stay in it.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 27/08/2016 21:28

Was the debt there before you got pregnant? If not, it's concerning that you've gone into debt to pay for day to day expenses, rather than have a talk to your DH about how your maternity pay doesn't cover everything (which is what? Your phone, Sky TV, stuff for baby?) before taking out a loan.

I don't see a way out of this that doesn't involve talking to your DH about the situation though.

chinam · 27/08/2016 21:28

He can't throw you out. You are married so you own half the house.

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:28

Ok so it doesn't sound good. But he can't just throw you out. You are married and entitled to half his assets. You need a good solicitor. Get proof of his income and assets. Photocopy any important documents and see a solicitor. How much equity is there in the house. Half is yours.

bitteroldotter · 27/08/2016 21:29

I see what you are saying Trifle, but I don't think there's enough information to write her husband off as 'abusive'.

They have a reduced income while OP is on maternity - it's reduced more than the husband is aware of because the OP is servicing debt that he knows nothing about.

The OP is being extremely vague about what the money was spent on. I agree that it may be on the things you list in your last post, but what i'm trying to get at is, without the debt would the OP have had enough money to pay for them? If so, that's why i'm saying the husband may have no idea that she needs more money.

If the money wasn't enough in the first place, this should have been discussed at the time. I don't understand why that didn't happen.

It seems to me that the OP keeps all of her income, topped up by her husband (and with him paying a larger proportion of the household expenses). If husband should share all his income, by that logic, so should OP.

chinam · 27/08/2016 21:30

Sorry, posted too soon. You need to talk to him. You can't sort this on your own. Good luck.

FuckAbout · 27/08/2016 21:30

If your OH throws your out over debt incurred by being on maternity leave, then he is a cunt.

FuckAbout · 27/08/2016 21:30

You*

AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 21:31

Are you on SMP only now? So all your income in ~600 a month plus child benefit?

emjking · 27/08/2016 21:33

Please phone step change they are fab. You are not alone in debt loads of people in the UK are struggling. They will look at your income and outgoings and help you budget to work out a payment plan.

ilovesooty · 27/08/2016 21:33

There is no way you can get out of this without your husband knowing.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/08/2016 21:34

Right, so you're not a spender. Before mat leave, your travel, contributions to mortgage/food/bills, sky and phone costs were higher than your wage. So you got in debt. Which is getting worse.

In your op, you say you don't want to talk about your dh, and seem to be of the opinion that it's reasonable for him to throw you out over this.

It isnt, it's absurd, its financial abuse from him.

He is the one who is in the wrong, not you.

notapizzaeater · 27/08/2016 21:34

You'd get more money if you where separated. He's financially abusive.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 21:36

Bitter: The OP has said her debt was run up following the marriage, through spending on day-to-day expenses. Yes, she should have communicated better with her husband, but he does not sound like he makes this easy. Apparently with no idea she is in debt, he has told her he would leave her if she was in debt, and actually she is afraid he will throw her out of her home. He insists on financial arrangements that give him control and leav her begging for money. He is an epic arsehole, by the sounds of it.

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