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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

253 replies

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 20:22

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

OP posts:
Dazedandconfusedtoomuchpeppa · 27/08/2016 21:50

Go to citizens advise bureau asap and they should be able to talk you through options with repaying debt. It sounds like you should try to go back to work as soon as you can and start earning again. Childcare should NOT just be your responsibility and husband should also be paying.

AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 21:51

16k of debt?

OK, food and toiletries and 80 per week to DH does not add up to 16k, that is a lot more than day-to-day spending. You're not being honest with us, or yourself probably.

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:51

So you are not up shit creek. It may well be the end of your marriage but TBH it doesn't sound that great a marriage.

Take a deep breath and tell him. If he loves you he will be shocked but then if he is a good man will look at the numbers and realise that he hasn't helped enough. If he's an arse than frankly you will be financially and emotionally better off without him.

Shakirawannabe · 27/08/2016 21:51

This isn't right, you are sitting there stressed out because the money you have been given isn't covering your basic outgoings. Can't you sit down with dh and say you are being as careful as you can but the amount he's giving you isn't cutting it. This way you are not saying you have got into debt just having a basic conversation. Surly he can't leave you over that! But if you say nothing and everything gets worse and you end up with a lot of debt then he is more likely to leave for hiding it from him. Hth

blueskyinmarch · 27/08/2016 21:52

How does he think you should pay for everything with no income? He is an idiot.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/08/2016 21:55

Op, it's great that you started this thread. Even if it's hard to take now, you can read through clearer in the morning.

We want to help you but it's really hard to see how you amassed £16k debt. 30x7 =210 -80 - say 50 for food and toiletries - say 50 for travel, still leaves you with 30.

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:57

Are you in denail op? I must admit that I'm struggling to see how 16k of debt is on essential spending and Sky.

You say you worked minimum wage for 30hrs per week. So approx £750 per month.
Did he expect you to pay for all the food on top of the £80 per week (£360 per month) you had to give him? Plus sky plus travel expenses. It still doesn't sound too bad. What other expenses did you have?

TheHiphopopotamus · 27/08/2016 21:57

How does he think you should pay for everything with no income? He is an idiot

OP doesn't pay for everything, her DH pays most of the bills. He also doesn't know she's run up a £16k debt on God knows what and that she's using her maternity pay to pay it off. I agree with others that something isn't quite right here and OP isn't being honest, either with her DH or herself.

SolomanDaisy · 27/08/2016 21:58

Are you concerned about the marriage ending or just about having nowhere else to go? He can't just throw you out. You need to tell him about the debt and if he wants to divorce you will end up financially better off.

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:59

sorry £320 per month 4 x £80

I've had wine!

MrsJoeyMaynard · 27/08/2016 21:59

X-posted.

£16k in debt? I take it that must have started building up before maternity leave?

I don't quite understand why you couldn't tell him you were struggling to pay for day to day expenses, plus giving him £80 per week, before you started taking on debt, assuming he'd made his position on debt clear from the start.

But I don't think there's a way out of this that doesn't involve talking to your DH, especially as you're not working and can't afford repayments. And he's bound to find out sooner or later. It's probably better if you tell him before he finds out another way.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 22:01

You need to come clean and then press the reset button on your financial relationship with your husband. No more dishonesty about debt or what you are spending. No more split finances. Your husband needs to accept his share of responsibility for your finances being a mess. You need to go back to work. You need a plan to deal with creditors. You need to make it very clear that you will not be leaving the house. Take a very deep breath, write everything down, including what you need from him. Tell him you know he might choose to end the relationship and you understand if he does, but if he wants the marriage to continue, a fundamental renegotiation of money and control over money is needed. Apologise, but don't beg or grovel; some of this is his fault too.

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 22:02

We are married. He earns about 47k and I was earning about 12k. Debt originated before drop in my income. First credit card to keep on top of paying half of everything, then loan when I couldn't keep up with that. But those repayments were too much so another high Apr loan. And so on. Now I'm so far in it there is no way out.

I haven't bought anything non essential in months. I walk everywhere. I don't socialise. 108 goes into my account per week from work but I only get 10 of that. Plus now I'm missing payments too. Literally have zero pounds to live on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 22:03

I told him I couldn't afford it and he said I should be thankful for the roof over my head

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/08/2016 22:03

Gazelda - it does make a difference how the debt came about.
It could either tell us that the dh is a financial abusive arse, OR the dh is in the dark and op needs help managing money.

nilbyname · 27/08/2016 22:04

You have to tell him.

Are you worried for your safety?

Can you ask a friend to come over say an hour after you plan to tell him?

You must tell him. Work out a plan, be it leave or stay. He wouldn't put his baby out on the street would he?
This is the worst bit- once you've told him
The relief will be massive. I promise you. I've been there, not amas big a sum, but stupid debt that I was hiding in my 20s. I told my fiancé and we worked out a plan and it was better almost immediately.

Feel the fear and do it!

OnionKnight · 27/08/2016 22:05

You say that you haven't bought anything non essential in months, that implies that it wasn't always the case, what have you spent 16 grand on?

Shakirawannabe · 27/08/2016 22:05

Then if you have tried talking to him and his response was you should be lucky you have a roof over your head then you know you would be way better off if you LTB.

OverlyLoverly · 27/08/2016 22:05

16K of debt that he doesn't know about Shock

WinterIsHereJon · 27/08/2016 22:05

If you were struggling to manage, why would you not just talk to your DH? Why on earth would you rack up £16k in debt rather than have an adult discussion about the finances? And how has it gone from paying the sky, food and bus fare to now half of everything?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 27/08/2016 22:06

I think the OP is saying that she pays for the day-to-day expenses: "food for us, toiletries, travel to work and back on two buses, family events" and her husband pays the mortgage and bills, and before she went on maternity leave to give birth to and look after their child, she had to pay her husband £80 a week as well. While he pays the mortgage and bills (utilities I'm guessing?): bear in mind if he was single, he'd still have to pay mortgage/rent to live somewhere anyway. Sounds like the husband is the one who's been treating the OP like a housemate.

Actually, reading that back, it sounds a bit like he's been treating her like his lodger/childminder/housekeeper who helps keep his out-goings down while she gets further and further into debt. Sorry, Gotnopaddle I'm talking about you like you're not partipating on this thread. This has just made me a bit angry on your behalf.

OverlyLoverly · 27/08/2016 22:07

Was it a pay day loan type of thing?

nilbyname · 27/08/2016 22:07

Excuse me? He earns £47k and you can feed yourself?

He's financially abusive and you need to leave. You'll get child support, some of the house. You're married? Doesn't matter if your name isn't on the mortgage too much.

Speak to step change. Get some proper free advice.

Gazelda · 27/08/2016 22:08

arethereany, yes I can see that. I think I was trying to help OP to realise that she needs to face the situation rather than let it continue to terrify her (sorry to talk about you Op as though you weren't here!).

emjking · 27/08/2016 22:09

debt soon spirals with interest rates added, a friend had £10,000 on cards and the interest was over £400 a month so just by paying the minimum payments was just covering the interest and then the were charging £12 for over limit fees once the interest then put it over the credit amount. Step change can get in touch with the people you owe and tell them how much you can afford to pay once they know how much you need to live on, most credit cards then will freeze interest and fees so you are reducing the balances. Please get help and support x