To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

[Gotnopaddle]

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

[GarlicMistake]

I changed to Giffgaff mobile as it's cheap - £5 a month for 100 MB, 125 minutes & 500 texts. Buy a goodybag, not 'credit'. It's 4G service, and it's a snap-off SIM that fits any phone :)

If you're not as skint as me, you can obviously buy bigger goodybags and/or add to your credit!

This isn't the main point, obviously. The main point is that poor OP's got herself into debt trying not to annoy her selfish skinflint of a husband.

[heyday]

OK, this is a major problem and has come about by a variety of factors. The longer you try and hide from the problem the worse they will get.
Take one day at a time and one problem at a time. The first thing you HAVE to do on Tuesday is to speak to somebody in a professional capacity about managing your debt. I found Step change charity amazing. Once you have their advice then you can take the next step in your life. If your debts become more manageable then you will have more money each week and you maybe able to start managing financially once again. Sort this huge step out first and then you can start to evaluate your life as to regards going back to work, childcare and your rather difficult marriage. You may feel like you will never escape from this trap but I promise you, you will see a way forward once you speak to the correct people. You may have a rocky road ahead but once things are a bit clearer in your mind this will take so much stress off your shoulders.

[milkmilklemonade12]

OP my mum is only now, after 31 years leaving a marriage like this. My father is a horrific excuse for a man

I've told her many times I wish she'd left him years ago, because after I turned about 7 and started having thoughts and opinions of my own; he turned on me as well.

Sucks to be him though because she's taking him to court now for half that precious money... And she'll get it too.

Hope you get your half. I'm rooting for you OP.

[milkmilklemonade12]

Oh, and my mum had ZERO proof of anything before she left. It would've HELPED of course if she had; but she took him to court for full financial disclosure and got it. The penalties for hiding money are high. My dad had some explaining to do... But if you can; when he's next got his internet banking open; set your phone to silent and take picture of the screen.

[Atenco]

OP, I am so glad you posted here and have been given all this wonderful advice.

So now you know that you are probably entitled to a fair whack of the miser's savings and have a large stake in the house you are living in.

You sound very isolated and beaten down, that marriage has done you no end of harm, time to take control again.

[EEVEElution]

Firstly, you need to own up to the debt and be honest - burying your head in the sand is only going to make the situation worse and no matter how much you try and run from it, it will catch up with you eventually.

Write down a list of all your debts, and also write down a budget including all your monthly outgoings to present to your creditors and maybe even your husband, so he can see in black and white that the amount he's providing you isn't enough to live on.

Get some legal advice regarding any potential split with your husband, I'm reluctant to say he's abusive having only heard one side of the story but if everything you say is true then the situation definitely isn't right. But don't be forced into leaving as the home is indeed half yours as his wife. He shouldn't be making you feel like a lesser partner because you're earning less and definitely don't buy into his bullshit about how you should feel lucky that he's putting a roof over your head, he isn't doing you a favour - you're not working to raise his child!

[velocitygir1]

I feel sick reading this-exactly the same situation I went through with my ex husband.

I think he is very financially abusive, only the last few weeks has he given you such a paltry amount to live on. You need to sort out stuff and leave him- this is just the tip of the iceberg, he is controlling! He sounds totally uninterested or naive as to wear this money to buy or contribute to everything has come from.

Does he contribute at all towards Ds? Clothes? Toys? Anything? Or is it all on your weary shoulders? Was the baby planned?
He sounds a bit like a male chauvinist and likes you being trapped at home as he wont help you to get back to work and financially support you with childcare-it is his 'problem' too...he doesn't want you back at work as it gives you independence, he doesn't want you to have any money otherwise you could do things and become stronger and see him for the twat he is. He isn't a supportive husband...and if you told him about your debt and why it's there, he will use that as a mental stick to beat you with and constantly make you feel untrustworthy with money and thus proving his warped theory about you not having any money from him or support.

I've been there...it was shit, I ended up in psychiatric ward and losing my son due to this kind of man.

Please be safe and LTB

[miasdaddy]

I am an ostrich. Don't be an ostrich
I have nothing to offer in the relationship side but definatly contact step change totally free and non judgemental I ended up paying £1 a month to my cards etc a while back they will accept it if only for a short while
Please talk to them I used to ignore things until the last minute but once you talk to these people it is a weight of your mind
Good luck with everything

[SneeksInSneeksOutAgain]

Okay - I signed up just for this thread.

OP - it is vital you speak to your creditors ASAP. They will freeze the interest on the debts.

Also, make sure you tell them about your MH issues. Some places have specially trained teams to help people with depression etc manage their debts.

I know it feels overwhelming now, but the debt is not as bad as you think. I don't want to get into specifics, but it was almost a 30K debt built up almost entirely of interest. The repayments are 200 pounds a month because that's what the person in my life can afford.

Right now it probably feels like this can only get worse, but let me tell you, it won't. It will feel bad while you're sorting it, but you will feel better once you have.

You need to talk to your OH. Have you got somebody who can be there when you do, even if it's just in the next room? Yes, he is going to be angry (and he has every right to be - his behaviour towards you is another matter, and I do not think it sounds as though he has treated you well) but if somebody else is there, hopefully it will force him to be a bit calmer and a bit more constructive about moving forwards (if that's what you both want). Have your statements ready to show him. Have your answers ready. Let him understand and let him see for himself how this has happened. I absolutely believe you when you say it's just day-to-day stuff. I believe you, OP, because I know how it happens; it's the fecking interest.

Good luck, OP. It's hard, but you can do it. You took the first step posting here and you've had loads of good advice. You can take the second step. And you can take the one after that.

[SolomanDaisy]

Joining in the chorus of leave him. Women's Aid does sound like the right place for you to get advice at the minute. This isn't the partnership a marriage should be.

[PGPsabitch]

This is an awful situation op and certainly not one you hold the all this responsibility for, which currently you are taking on board. Reading all your posts screams financial abuse to me as well and ignoring all of the other awful flags the one that stands out the most is this: he knows you can't afford to eat during the day because there's no money.

You are his wife, you should be the woman he loves and he should be horrified that you can't eat. Added to that you are carrying a baby, a baby you share, and yet he doesn't care that you and the baby aren't getting what you need.

My dh was I debt, frivolous spending when a teen and very poor money managing. He struggled and saved and got himself into a repayment scheme which thankfully was manageable. He worked so hard and after we married I came into some money. He didn't ask, I offered to clear his 10k debt. I knew he'd worked hard, regretted the debt and moreover I know we are a team and teams work together. They don't leave someone struggling behind. If I was in your dhs position I wouldn't have thought twice about paying off a debt that you accumulated especially as it wasnt through frivolity but through survival.

Then again if I was your dh I would be horrified and saddened that this situation came about to start and that we weren't being a team in the first place.

Please do as people suggested and see the cab. Don't bother talking to him atm because he's shown he won't help you. Not unless it's in his interests too so he can buy time to hide assets. Get good advice and any financial statements you can find. While cab is probably closed today and tomorrow you can call women's aid for advice and support.

Ask yourself this; if you were in your dhs place and he in yours, what would you do? Let him struggle? Or be supportive?

[RandomMess]

Well the good news is that half of that savings figure is yours because you are married!

I wish you all the best for the future. He is certainly one mean man to expect you to live on so little and spend all your income on fattening up his savings account...

[ohtheholidays]

Morning OP,just checked back in to see how you are?
I hope some of the support and suggestions on your thread have helped you not feel so alone.

[MyWineTime]

I am sure it'll be the end of the marriage though.
I am sorry but you have no marriage.
At no time in any real marriage are these things possible:
He's always known I struggle. I told him I don't eat during the day so I can afford food at night for us but he didn't care.
he said I should be thankful for the roof over my head
Told me I was lucky to live in his house.

I know that you are scared at the moment, but you will be SO much better off without this abusive husband.
Get as much paperwork as you can and get yourself down the CAB.


Eh ? £40 per week is ample for 2 adults and a baby ! I only have £60 pw for 4 adults and a very active 7 year old.
Does your DH have £65k in the bank and is earning a £47k salary?
And it really isn't ample. You might scrape by with no other outgoings to worry about but it definitely isn't ample.

[amusedbush]

Thing is, Step Change will say OP HAS to get money from her husband. Creditors will want to know what money he has too because in normal circumstances, married couples have a degree of joint finances.

This is not relevant to the OP as I am fully advising her to run for the hills, but for anyone who has this opinion I can confirm that it's not true. I have just started a repayment plan with step change after running up considerable debts due to needles frivolities in my early 20's and then robbing Peter to pay Paul trying to keep my head above water. I am married but I was clear in my initial advisor appointments that my DH had nothing to do with my debts, they were my poor judgement and he should not be taken into account when repaying them and Step Change were absolutely fine with this. My plan is based solely on my income and outgoings.

[amusedbush]

NEEDLESS, not needles

I'm not a junkie!

[debbs77]

Not being on the mortgage may be a blessing in this situation as you should qualify for Housing benefit. I got it for 26 weeks when my ex husband left me and I moved out of the family home. 26 weeks was because I co-owned our house so it couldn't be longer.

[Hadjab]

^^Yesterday 21:46 Gotnopaddle

Not secretive. He has receipts from me. So ^^no secrets.

Loan repayments take all my money. Honestly. We're probably talking £16k in total debt. There is no way out for me.


Yes there is, I know, I've been there and my debts were a hell of a lot worse than yours. Much like yourself, I had a cc for emergencies, then emergencies became making ends meet, then redundancy along with burying my head in the sand, and suddenly I was left with a mountain of debt.
BUT if you talk to your creditors and work out a plan, you can overcome this. It's taken me five years, but I'm debt free, five years may seem a long time, but it really isn't.
You can do this.

[echelon]

OP

Is your husband physically abusive? Violent?

[HKHKHR]

Op. You can do this!

[JustGettingStarted]

I don't know if my post is actually helpful to the op, who seems a bit overwhelmed. But I wanted to point out that she's unable to work because she can't find childcare to work around her schedule. I've seen this problem before with women who are being financially abused. I want to ask: why is this only her problem? It's like the default childcare is the mother and she has to find the answer.

But the childcare is his problem as well. If she's at work, then he can't leave unless he's sorted childcare.

I know it doesn't work that way. He's already employed and already headed out the door in the morning. It just makes me so cross that mothers are put in this position.

[LunaLoveg00d]

This is a marriage built on lies. OP is lying to her DH about debt, and she doesn't know how much he earns. There is no communication, no trust. This is not a marriage.

I personally believe in the "family pot" way of organising money, we've always had joint accounts and talk about what we're earning and the financial situation. Other people keep their own accounts but as long as there is full and frank disclosure about the situation then it's not a problem. That is not happening here and why there is such a problem - two secretive people who don't trust each other. Poor child in the middle of it all.

[Masketti]

We decided to pool all our money when I went on maternity leave because I was giving up my wage for the benefit of his daughter. Would he not consider that if you put it that way?

[MrsJoeyMaynard]

We decided to pool all our money when I went on maternity leave because I was giving up my wage for the benefit of his daughter. Would he not consider that if you put it that way?

Given that OP has told her husband that she's going hungry through the day because she can't afford enough food for lunch and a family evening meal on the £40 per week he's giving her, and her husband seems unconcerned about her going hungry, I don't think that outcome's very likely.