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AIBU?

To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

253 replies

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 20:22

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

OP posts:

Report

bitteroldotter · 27/08/2016 21:36

£40 a week to buy all the food and baby needs each week isn't enough, he's being financially abusive.

I agree it's not enough, but he probably thinks the OP is also adding to this - why is it on him to pay for the entirety of the shopping when he believes she has money coming in too?

It's completely unfair to call the husband abusive when he has no idea of the reduction in the OP's income because she is hiding her financial situation from him.

bitteroldotter · 27/08/2016 21:39

In reality, either of us could be close to the mark Trifle.

I completely see what you are saying but I'm having difficulty seeing what 'day to day expenses' could have got the OP into such debt (and she isn't saying) and think some of his attitude could just as easily be because he knows she's awful with money.

I agree that from what we've been told he's making it very difficult for OP to tell him though.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/08/2016 21:40

How long have you been together op? How much do you discuss money? How did you decide how much you would contribute to bills etc when you were getting a wage?

There's so many questions because your situation is unusual I think. For example, I know what my dh earns, he knows what I earn, so costs have been split accordingly on percentages. Now we've a family, he pays for everything, and pays my visa bill each month, no questions.

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:41

He doesn't think I'm adding to it, I tell him I have no money. None. He thinks that should pay for everything.

The debt started as a credit card. Then a small loan to keep on top of that. And so on. I know I've been stupid, I'm not debating that. No luxuries or stupid spending, all day to day. I don't know what a luxury is.

I don't qualify for tax credits because he earns too much but that's my problem.

I shouldn't have started this thread. I can't breathe.

OP posts:

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:43

By day to day I mean food for us, toiletries, travel to work and back on two buses, family events. I also had to give him £80 a week back then.

OP posts:

McPie · 27/08/2016 21:44

He is financially abusive and to be brutally honest you would get more money through tax credits and maintenance than you are getting just now. Even if he is the biggest tit in the world and gives you nothing in the way of maintenance you and your baby would still be better off financially and emotionally!

WinterIsHereJon · 27/08/2016 21:44

I too am struggling to see what day to day expenses would warrant borrowing to the point where repayments leave OP with £10 a week, when all major expenses are met by her DH. I also don't think we can claim he is financially abusive; I would be FURIOUSLY if my DH ran up enormous debts that would ultimately make family life difficult. When I was on mat leave we regularly looked at finances and whether we each had enough money. It sounds like the OP is very secretive about her spending so her DH may think all is fine!

Gazelda · 27/08/2016 21:45

OP, it's good that you started this thread. There's some good advice about how to tackle the debt.
There's also support to help you think about how you and your DH are communicating and sharing family finances.
Take one step at a time. Write down your debtors first. The list may be scary, but it's a start towards getting a solution.

OnionKnight · 27/08/2016 21:45

What day to day expenses have left you with crippling debt?

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:45

Nobody is getting at you op. It's just we haven't got enough information to know what's happening.

What is obvious though, is that you are scared of him. Why is that? i think there is more to this than the money issue. In a normal relationship it wouldn't have got to this point.

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:46

Not secretive. He has receipts from me. So no secrets.

Loan repayments take all my money. Honestly. We're probably talking £16k in total debt. There is no way out for me.

OP posts:

SillySongsWithLarry · 27/08/2016 21:46

You need to tell him the extent of the problem so that he can make a decision to help you or leave. You will probably be better off financially if he leaves - you will get some of the house and he will have to pay you a substantial amount of child support. In the meantime you need to consider essential and luxury spending - sky tv, contract phones, buy now pay later etc are not essentials.

TribbleTrouble · 27/08/2016 21:46

OK, well frankly you're at the bottom of a barrel already aren't you, so why not just confess and get it over and done with.

If he was a good man, a reasonable partner, he would help you with this, £40 a week is nothing and you should tell him that.

Basically if he chucks you out, then it just proves how much of an arsehole he is and you're better off without quite frankly.

If my dh came to me, and told me he'd got himself into a state with our finances, I'd be pissed off but I'd get over it and make a plan to sort it out. You know why, because that's how relationships work, you're a team, not housemates.

OnionKnight · 27/08/2016 21:46

How much were you bringing in because £320 a month isn't a lot.

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:47

He knows I'm struggling to put food on the table

OP posts:

FuckAbout · 27/08/2016 21:47

16k debt since being on Maternity leave? What the hell?!

AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 21:48

But food, toiletries, travel to work etc plus 80 a week to your DH only comes to 200-250 a week at the very most. How much goes out each week for your debts?

I agree that if he doesn't know you have debts, he'd be right to expect you to be able to pay for all of this if you worked full time, even on a relatively low wage.

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:48

My job was part time so I wasn't bringing in a lot. He's the high earner. I have a minimum wage job 30hrs a week.

OP posts:

MrsJoeyMaynard · 27/08/2016 21:48

So he thinks £40 per week is enough to feed the family, buy toiletries, nappies, baby wipes, baby clothes, pay for any transport needed, any family events, plus paying for your phone and the Sky bill?

OnionKnight · 27/08/2016 21:49

I've just seen that it's £16k, WTF?

WinterIsHereJon · 27/08/2016 21:49

£16k is not "essential expenses" when your DH covers mortgage, council tax, utilities...

Something doesn't add up here.

PutUpWithRain · 27/08/2016 21:49

Please, please, please, contact one of the agencies who will talk you through your options and advise you for free. I don't know what your local council is like, but mine is brilliantly supportive for people they consider to be 'vulnerable' for any number of reasons - including debt.

My ex ran up a huge amount of debt without my knowledge - in excess of £30k - on credit cards, loans, money he'd borrowed from family. He tried to hide it from me, and the strain of it caused serious problems in our relationship, I behaved badly (not knowing about the debt). Eventually it was one of the major causes of the end of our relationship. There is help out there for you, but you have to take the first step. Please do it. I feel very guilty that I had no idea of the stress my ex must have living with for months.

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WipsGlitter · 27/08/2016 21:49

What do you earn and what does he earn?

I had hidden debt from DP. It was terrible when he found out. He abhors debt.

But we worked through it.

We don't do the "family money" thing but we are both well paid.

Agree you need to work out the total debt and your income and expenditure.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/08/2016 21:50

You call him Dh. Can I confirm that you are legally married (and you are in the UK) as occasionally people call their long term partners "DH" and it makes a massive difference?

Gazelda · 27/08/2016 21:50

I don't think it matters right now how the debt came about. I think OP need support figuring out how to tackle it.
OP, I don't think you can avoid having to tell DH. The worst that can happen is he goes ballistic and ends the marriage. Or maybe he will surprise you and work with you to sort it out?

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