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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

253 replies

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 20:22

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 22:11

Winter: Because he is a bastard, clearly.

Quite a few people are blaming the OP for not behaving like a reasonable, rational adult, but it is not that easy when you are dealing with someone who isn't reasonable. Her husband earns 47K and she can't buy food. She isn't on the mortgage. Her husband tells her he will throw her out if she gets into debt, but is denying her access his salary whilst benefiting from the childcare he would otherwise have to pay for. He is a twat. No wonder she wasn't open with him.

LadyTmalia · 27/08/2016 22:11

Your husband sounds like an arse, Thats the way I am reading it.
With an income of much less than your husbands, we a family of 6 and I dint work for many years, we coped, a little, But i am selfish ..

I got into massive debt myself, but I spent it on frivolities, Days out for us as a family, stupid computer games etc etc, food that I wanted and so on I had 5 credit cards at one point.

I have to add for the last 2 years I have had a job,

It took 10 years, but last month I confessed to my DH just how much in the shit I was, (he had no idea)he went mental and was supremely angry with me very justifiably so too.

It was 10K and that still makes me ashamed and very very sad, I feel like I have just wasted what could have done so much good for us.

I have to add for the last 2 years I have had a job,

This pay packet is the first of what will be a year long battle of me paying off my debts and for want of a better term, screwing the family over as I no longer contribute to the daily/monthly upkeep.

But my husband is not an arse, he loves me and has forgiven me, totally, (with the caveat he will divorce me if it happens again)

If he loves you, he will forgive you (after awhile, he will be angry at first) and find a way to help you, if he does/t you will be better off without him.

AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 22:11

How long ago did the debt start? A year ago? 2? 5?

If you were only giving him £80 per week before your mat leave, plus paying for food. There should still have been a few hundred pounds left over from your own wages, where did that go?

I agree that once you've told him, the relief will be huge and then you can come up with a plan. If he flips and wants to end the relationship, well, you can pay your debt off with your half of the house.

OverlyLoverly · 27/08/2016 22:12

Was there a reason for your DH to keep telling you that he didn't agree with debt? Have you been in debt before or have you 'wasted' (in his view) before?

Are you able to get a better paid job? 12K is very low? (I KNOW it's not always possible but maybe it is?). What about getting night work or weekend work. (Again, I KNOW it's not always possible). Leave the baby with your DH.

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 22:12

By non essential I mean my clothes don't fit because I haven't been able to justify buying any since I was pregnant.

I tried talking to him but he got angry. Told me I was lucky to live in his house.

16k isn't right I was counting wrong. Lower but not much. That includes default fees and interest. High Apr short term and installment loans, wasn't the original amount

OP posts:
footballwidow12 · 27/08/2016 22:12

Hi OP,

Take a deep breath and try not to be too upset.

The position you are in sounds absolutely awful, do you have any friends or family you could turn to for support?? ( emotional not financial??)

I think your H has been unreasonable to ask you to pay for half of everything (prior to your mat leave) when he earns nearly 4 times more than you. Really it his due to this that the debt has started to build up - I think you need to sit down and lay your cards on the table with him (maybe go to citizens advice bureau first).

If your husband is going to 'throw you out' then I really think you need to question the validity of your marriage. You are supposed to love each other unconditionally through better or worse.

Seek some advice - you may actually be better off on your own! You may receive help towards consolidating your debt and will also qualify for tax credits and support towards nursery fees etc.

Wishing you lots of luck Flowers

LadyTmalia · 27/08/2016 22:13

*really should proof read...

MyWineTime · 27/08/2016 22:13

he said I should be thankful for the roof over my head
He does sound abusive. No decent person says that to their spouse.

You do have to face up to your debts by getting everything written down.
You don't have an equal relationship, it's not a partnership at all. I don't understand how you got into so much debt, but the fact that you are afraid to discuss this with him and have never been able to be honest with him about finances says everything.

IrenetheQuaint · 27/08/2016 22:15

OP - try giving Women's Aid a call. There is a way out for you.

datingbarb · 27/08/2016 22:16

Can step change help? They will take over dealing with all the debt and you just agree a affordable repayment, I am using them myself (single mum and got in a muddle)

e1y1 · 27/08/2016 22:16

you should be lucky you have a roof over your head

???? WTAF!!!!

Tell him and get out, it may be a problem now, but it will be the best money/debt you ever spent!!

he sounds like an arse.

I know now it seems terrible, and debt isn't a good thing, however, it is only money and there is ALWAYS a way out. You just need a plan in place and have been given some good advice.

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 22:16

I've never been in debt before or wasted money. He just has the view that people who use credit are bad. He's always known I struggle. I told him I don't eat during the day so I can afford food at night for us but he didn't care.

I probably do need to leave but no idea where to go. Can't privately rent now.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 22:17

Go to Women's Aid, OP. Do you have relatives who might help you while you find a place to live and claim JSA? By the sounds of it, he isn't going to listen. He will be listening when the CMS are taking money off him monthly and you have half the equity in 'his' house.

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 22:19

Nowhere to stay, no. No relatives here. I'll figure something out.

OP posts:
nilbyname · 27/08/2016 22:19

Contact step change via their website and consolidate that debt. They will help you. They really will.

The approach your DH with the problem and show him what you're doing to fix it. Then tell him what he needs to do. £40/week is not very realistic for a family with a baby still in nappies and drinking formula (?). Break it down for him. Show him that you have done your homework, don't get emotional, show him solutions and ask for his help and support.

A relationship is the good bits and the bad bits too.

Tutuloves · 27/08/2016 22:20

have you been gambling money in desperation to make some money back?
Alarm bells are ringing that your not on the mortgage. My DH puts out little family before himself always, 100 percent of the time. He's always checking I've got enough for me and the kids even though he doesn't earn high wages. 47 grand and your living on the breadline. It should be you whose kicking him out the cheeky so and so. Making you feel worthless and indebted to him. A relationship only works if your an equal team and can share your worries anxieties and money!!

e1y1 · 27/08/2016 22:21

Yes the house is half yours, regardless if your name is not on the mortgage. It's the matrimonial home. Seek advice from a Family lawyer

Tutuloves · 27/08/2016 22:21

PS I bet the child support on his 47 grand would tide you over nicely. Let him mull over that one!!

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 22:22

In that case, OP, you need to assert your right to stay in the family home, as long as you think you are physically safe. He is going to get angry. Let him. Tell him what is going on and why. If he threatens to throw you out, call the police and say he is trying to put you out of the marital home.

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 22:22

Contact Womens Aid. There is away out. You just have to find it, They can help. Do you have anyone in RL to talk to?

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 22:23

No gambling. Not even a lottery ticket.

OP posts:
LadyTmalia · 27/08/2016 22:24

How long have you been together/married

Elisa1976 · 27/08/2016 22:25

OP you need to make a cup of tea, grab a pen and notepad and start writing down what you owe and to whom. Yes, it's scary but you need to take this first step.
If you feel strong enough contact your creditors directly to negotiate repayment plans. If you can't do this please contact Stepchange or one of the other debt charities. They are excellent and will negotiate with your creditors on your behalf, ensuring that you still have money to pay all your essential bills.
Also look at Moneysavingexpert - the advice there is very helpful and is worth using as an alternative support network.
But...you have to tell your husband. It's the only way to move forward - both you and your baby deserve as financially sound a future as possible, whatever his reaction may be.
I just want to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel - I write as someone who was in a similar position to you and in horrendous debt. Thanks to the support of debt charities and online communities I'm now debt free and have a completely different outlook on managing my finances.
OP, you can do this- there is lots of excellent support out there to help you
Xx

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2016 22:25

I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this. Your husband sounds extremely unreasonable. You have a combined family income of 60k and yet he's left you to pay half of the bills and penniless for years. THE ONLY PERSON LEAVING HERE HAS TO BE HIM. If it comes to that.

Your husband sounds financially abusive. Do not leave the family home if he says the marriage is over. If necessary, call 999.

Before you have to conversation with him, find and make copies of all his bank statements, pension scheme, share certificates, payslips for the last three years and stash them at your parents house or other safe place. Also get copies of the details of the mortgage. As he sounds financially abusive, he will quite possibly hide all of this if you do end up divorcing.

Then next Tuesday, go to the CAB and ask if you need to get anything else in place before you tell him - in case he does file for divorce. When you have everything in order, then you will be ready to tell him and let the shit hit the fan. What will be will be. Perhaps he will go ballistic or perhaps it will be a reality check for him. Either way, you will have done what you can to protect you and your ds.

And as I said, don't agree to leave the marital home. Your name is not on house and from reading other threads, you need to get some kind of order giving you legal rights to the house. Someone at the CAB or in legal will be able to advise you on this.

harshbuttrue1980 · 27/08/2016 22:27

OP, you said earlier that you "don't know what a luxury is". Sorry but Sky is a luxury. Plenty of people (like me) can't afford it. If you want to get out of debt, you have to stop buying things you can't afford. Don't worry about being kicked out of your house though, this can't happen!! You are married, and whether you are on the mortgage or not, half of the equity in the house belongs to you. You do need to cut out all non-essentials - things like Sky, mobile contracts etc - these are not essential for either you or your 7 month old.

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