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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

253 replies

Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 20:22

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 27/08/2016 21:06

Well obviously if you have no income you cannot manage to pay your bills/debts. How does your DH expect you to manage this? He is a financially controlling arsehole if he cannot support his wife in this predicament. You say you prioritise your DS but if your DH has sufficient income and loves you he should be supporting and prioritising you. You get my first LTB.

bitteroldotter · 27/08/2016 21:07

I have some concerns about the way you refer to what YOU are paying out and what YOU are bringing in. You are on maternity leave. Why don't you have access to your husband's salary? Are you borrowing because you only have access to your maternity pay?

Trifle I don't agree - not everyone does the 'family pot' even when married or with children. Why should she have access to her husband's salary when in her own words he pays for pretty much everything and she has her maternity pay plus further money from him for shopping?

I'm finding it really hard to put this on the husband's shoulders when the OP is being dishonest with him about something she knows is fundamentally important to him.

This should have been something they sat down and discussed/arranged when the pregnancy was confirmed. If that discussion didn't happen because the OP was hiding debts (or the discussion was incomplete in that it did not take the debts into account) then that's hardly the husband's doing.

RandomMess · 27/08/2016 21:08

Doesn't matter about who is on the mortgage, whose name is on the debts because you are married and currently one legal entity with regards to money.

Sounds like financial abuse to me - giving you too little to make ends meet whist he has access to a pot of money to spend as he chooses...

PatriciaHolm · 27/08/2016 21:08

If he pays mortgage and everything else, then what are the day to day costs that exceed your wage?

You need to start being brutally honest with both yourself and him; what are the household expenses? What is the income needed to meet them? And have you been profligate, and if so, what is your plan to stop?

Getting yourself out of this hole is pointless if you'll just find yourself back in one in a a years time because either your household bills are too high for your income or you are spending too much on crap.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 21:08

They are not 'his' wages FFS. He has a wife and child. He is benefiting from your work in the home, caring for his son. He refuses to put you on the mortgage (utterly pointless - you are married, so the property would be considered part of the marital assets). He is not 'giving' you money!

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 21:12

Bitter: Sorry but I think that is disgusting. This isn't a mutually agreed arrangement between equals; he is dictating to his wife what will happen whilst she is in a vulnerable position and parenting his child so he can work. She is in debt because he is refusing to share his income and forcing her to pay for essentials on maternity pay. He is pretending this is nothing to do with him. Shame on him. Yes, she needs to be honest with him, but is it really surprising she didn't feel able to do so?

bitteroldotter · 27/08/2016 21:13

But Trifle - he is paying for everything already and the OP has (had?) her maternity pay plus money he gives her.

If the only reason OP needs more is to service debt that her husband doesn't know about, how is this him being financially abusive?

I agree that he could be less rigid about how the sharing is organised but it doesn't sound like it was a problem until the OP couldn't service her debt. And again, the husband can't help with that because the OP has not told him.

The OP has exacerbated this situation massively by being dishonest.

I think the reluctance to answer questions about what she has spent money on, when most day to day living expenses are already covered, is telling.

blueskyinmarch · 27/08/2016 21:13

How have you got into so much debt? Was it through recent, unnecessary spending or on just managing to survive?

WinterIsHereJon · 27/08/2016 21:14

Do the debts predate your marriage?

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:14

Do you, or have you in the past frittered away unneccessary money? Have the debts built up because he has never given you enough or is it not enough now, but should be if you didn't have debt repayments to make because you wasted money in the past?

Either way you need a serious frank discussion with him.

Worst comes to worst you are entitled to everything he has, including the house as you are married. You may even be better off if you left him.

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:15

half of everything

IrenetheQuaint · 27/08/2016 21:15

So these are debts that you have incurred since your marriage, because you were on a low salary? As opposed to getting married with debts you didn't tell your husband about?

Is your husband generally unsupportive, or is he just terrified about debt? The latter I would have some sympathy with, but it sounds more like the former may be the case.

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:15

I don't spend money on crap. Because there are CPA arrangements on my account I only pick up £10.50 per week. I get CB but that's not much. All my money goes on debt. I'm not a reckless spender.

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 27/08/2016 21:15

How did you incur the debt?

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:16

But how did the debt come about in the first place?

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:16

He gives me £40 a week to shop for two adults and a baby. I never spend money on myself. The debts don't predate the marriage.

OP posts:
bitteroldotter · 27/08/2016 21:16

This isn't a mutually agreed arrangement between equals;

But we don't know that.

The only inequality that is definite, is the OP not telling her husband about debt.

I'm not trying to start a fight, truly, but I've been in a relationship where i was paying the bulk of everything to 'support' my partner only to find out he had massive debts he hid from me. I'm just offering a different perspective.

Original poster
Gotnopaddle · 27/08/2016 21:18

Debt started small, credit card for emergencies. But then everything was an emergency. Then robbed Peter to pay Paul and we know where that ends. Phone contract that I can't get out of yet. Sky TV. Travel as I don't drive.

OP posts:
e1y1 · 27/08/2016 21:18

Used to work for a phone company.

Call them, explain the situation, they may be able to reconnect you whilst you get the money together (did it million times for millions of customers, you would be astounded how many people called up for this exact situation).

Will depend on a few things;

How much your bill is
Your previous payment history

If you have any, extra charges outside your allowance that are due to go on your next bill
Whether you are currently call barred or completely disconnected (there is a difference, and disconnection WILL require payment, adviser can usually lift bars without payment; depends on your network providers policies).

Then use said phone to speak to your other creditors;

You will then need a plan going forwards, as with debt there is only one way and that is down.

Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 21:19

You have to tell him, he probably thinks you're having an affair of something. He will know something is up

IrenetheQuaint · 27/08/2016 21:19

"He gives me £40 a week to shop for two adults and a baby."

Ugh - I'm afraid he is financially abusive, OP. Do you have friends or family you could talk to about this situation?

Gazelda · 27/08/2016 21:19

What is your total debt?

WhitePhantom · 27/08/2016 21:19

What is the debt, op? How did it come about?

And if you didn't have these debts would your current money be enough?

AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 21:19

But if you're on maternity leave, surely he knows you're not getting paid your normal wages,so why would the fact that your reduced pay doesn't cover your bills be a surprise?

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 21:20

Bitter: He is being selective about what he will pay for, not paying for 'everything'. Let's hear what the OP has to say about where 'her' money has been going, other than paying debts. I assume she is paying for her own and her son's clothes, family birthdays, her phone contract, stuff for the house, shopping that isn't covered by what he chooses to give her etc. I assume if she needs to take a bus or a taxi, she pays for that. If she wants to take her son to soft play or on a day out, I assume she pays for that. This stuff adds up.

What is wrong about this situation is that he is dictating to her what she will have to pay for, not coming to a mutual and fair agreement.

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