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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has taken our wedding gift money

260 replies

coralpig · 20/08/2016 10:19

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 20/08/2016 10:20

Not fair at all - she's stolen your wedding presents.

ThePinkOcelot · 20/08/2016 10:21

Wow, that's shocking. She has actually stolen your wedding present money!

IAmTheWhoreOfBabylon · 20/08/2016 10:22

Ask her who the money was from then tell her you will ask them who the cash was intended for
It is up to the person who gifts the cash

ToastDemon · 20/08/2016 10:22

Tell her that if she doesn't give it back she can forget about meeting any grandchildren.

NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown · 20/08/2016 10:22

Time for passive aggressive thank you notes?

'Thank you so much for coming to celebrate with us on our wedding day and for the gift you so kindly have my mother for hosting.' Etc

NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown · 20/08/2016 10:23

*have = gave. Sorry, on a phone

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 20/08/2016 10:23

Erm..that's not acceptable at all. It's theft. If I had given money to someone and their mother had taken it, I'd be really angry.
Will she be writing thank you cards for people's cash?

wobblywonderwoman · 20/08/2016 10:23

Oh my god op
Could you threaten to report her.

Very cruel thing to do

GingerbreadGingerbread · 20/08/2016 10:24

That is outrageous. Did she tell you beforehand his was her plan? Is she short of money?

LyndaNotLinda · 20/08/2016 10:24

Tell her that you will write to every person who gave you cash and tell them she has pocketed their gift.

I assume this isn't built into your culture. Is there anyone else in your family who could persuade her to give it back to you?

gillybeanz · 20/08/2016 10:25

I would threaten her with the Police.
Different culture or not, this is theft. I'd also be tempted to keep her out of all other family events.

Elllicam · 20/08/2016 10:25

Surely legally the money is yours? I agree tell her you will be saying to the givers that she has taken the money and if that doesn't scare her into giving it back I'd be telling the police.

FilmaWlintstone · 20/08/2016 10:26

What did you say to her in response???

ElspethFlashman · 20/08/2016 10:26

Yeah I'd tell her that was fine.

And then tomorrow say to each guest who gave you money "I hope Mum has thanked you for your gift, she says she has a lot of bills to pay so I hope she's grateful".

legotits · 20/08/2016 10:27

Has she taken the cash to keep?

Or has she taken it for safe keeping?

Either way it isn't hers but the motives and reaction is dependent.

Mycraneisfixed · 20/08/2016 10:28

Flabbergasted!!!
Make sure you let all the nice people that sent you money know that your mother has taken it.

Passmethecrisps · 20/08/2016 10:31

It sounds pretty clear that she has taken the cash to reimburse herself for the wedding party.

the money was gifted to whoever' name is written on the card and envelope.

I agree that thank you letters to all thanking them for gift to mum - at least threaten it and see if that changes mum's mind

KatieScarlettReregged2 · 20/08/2016 10:31

Tell her exactly what your thank you letters will say.

reallybadidea · 20/08/2016 10:32

Does she think she's coming to the legal ceremony tomorrow?!

Champagneformyrealfriends · 20/08/2016 10:33

What?!? That's awful. I'd ring the police and report her for theft.

Gazelda · 20/08/2016 10:35

The cards were addressed to you two. The money is yours. Do you know who gave cash and the amounts?
I think you will have to write to all of the guests, and thank them for coming. Include a reference of gratitude to your DM for hosting the event. Say that you'd like to thank everyone who gave a cash gift but that your funny DM has opened all the cards and kept the cash to put towards the cost of the party, so apologies if you don't thank each giver personally. You'll not get the money back, but she will be shamed amongst her friends and family.
Put it behind you for today, have a wonderful celebration tomorrow.
Then distance yourself as far away from your DM as possible. Culture or not, she is dominating you and will continue to do so unless you mark a clear boundary.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 20/08/2016 10:35

I'd be really annoyed if I'd given a couple money for a wedding present and this happened. I'm quite reserved, but I would certainly contact the mother. Some guests will want to know (and will directly ask IME) what you spent the money on, so it will come out.

legotits · 20/08/2016 10:35

My DM did a similar thing to my DB in the 80's.

Unilaterally collected the money, put it in an account in her name and then spent 15 years hiding the fact that she had spent it.

I'm wondering if cultural/ tradition/ language is a red herring and Mum is just using excuses or she is outright pinching it.

NoahVale · 20/08/2016 10:37

hmm, well she is your mother.
of course it is unfair.
tell the people who sent the money op.
why did you get married so young?

bascially the guests paid for the wedding

will you get gifts later?

Geekmama · 20/08/2016 10:37

I'm so sorry she did this, this is absolutely awful! She should be ashamed of herself. Tell her she should start writing thank you notes.

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