Mother has taken our wedding gift money

[coralpig]

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

Where are you OP?

As I read the OP, the mother both pressured her to get married now, as opposed to waiting until they could afford it themselves, and to have this big party that her mother controlled. So I don't see the OP can in any way be told she "got" a party out of it (that she didn't want - she wanted to get married later!). The mother forced the wedding and the party and then used it to steal the wedding cash. Not on.

In ye olden times...in cultures where people were poor, no matter how little money they had parents wanted to give their children and specifically their daughters the best wedding they could. This was considered their last "duty/responsibility" towards their daughter before she got married and began a new chapter in her life. But being poor they couldn't afford much and so along came the nindra system. It meant parents could give their children the wedding the wanted which the daughter didn't have to pay towards (being ye olden times the daughter wouldn't have been working anyway). This tradition was honest, simple and has worked for many many years. Then when the son/daughter of their friends were getting married the other parents have a similar monetary value to them and so the tradition continued for many years without issue. Now times have changed, brides and grooms both work, both want to contribute to their own weddings - but in some families the nindra system continues. As I said it works and doesn't harm anyone. It's expected and it's given without a second thought. I come from a huge extended family and this has never caused issue. Pretty sure this is what has happened with OP, but she's taken personal offence to it. And if she did mention in thank you letters or a speech that she had expected the money to go to her, then am pretty sure most of her mums friends would point out to her that it wasn't hers. Her mum hasn't stolen her money, coz it wasn't her money. Unless OP you've been going to their weddings and giving them money, in which case fair enough.
Where are you OP?

But Wildheart, if this is so common in the OP's culture, why did she expect anything else? It's uncommon enough for her to ask if she's being unreasonable.

I've googled and can't find any Terence to this nindra system. What a chain of complicated obligation and potential to offend people... However if that was the case here, surely this bride would have been aware of it going on for years in her family anyway? It sounds like mother wanted an excuse to show off with a big party but lacked the means to do it in the style she wished it to be talked about in

Terence?! Reference

Very very strange culture indeed
Most cultural traditions look strange from an outsider. And people continue with traditions even when they no longer makes sense in a modern age.

i don't know why OP hasn't heard of it. She has an odd relationship with her mum so she obviously didn't explain it to her.

Or the whole thing is a DM set-up

Isn't she at her legal wedding today?

It's spelt different in different places

"Since marriages and deaths were occasions of large gatherings needed to be fed and looked after they required extra expenses, especially marriages where items not available for barter needed cash. For these two occasions there emerged the socio-economic institutions of ‘Saghaat’ and ‘Nehndra’ which were paid in cash. Saghaat was usually small amount paid by all who attended the funeral but necessarily by relatives and friends. Nehndra on the other hand was relatively higher amount depending on the closeness of relationship. However, it seems that this system of mutual support within different clans and baradaries could not provide for all the members and some families either out of mismanagement of for other reasons had to look outside the family and clans for the cash when it was required. This more likely gave birth to the initial form of banking, the notorious moneylending system."

Basically nehndra was the first peer to peer lending ;)

"Nehndra – Is a customary payment from guests towards the wedding, however it seems as though it’s code word for ‘here’s my cut for the food’.

What a chain of complicated obligation and potential to offend people...
Not complicated at all. You get given £20 at your child's wedding. You note it down. Turn up at friends son's wedding and hand them over £20.

As explained before it is a very old tradition to help out poor people.

I'd have a word with her and explain that you didnt ask her to organise the party and you dont find it fair that shes keeping the money. I like the pp suggestion of asking her to send thanks to all the gifters. If she doesn't return the money do have a word with another relative and speak to all the gifters. Its not great that you are then shaming your mum but she shouldnt be stealing your money.

I think it's important to find out WHO the guests intended the money to go towards.... if it was intended to "pay" the host ie your mother, then she's within her rights to have taken the money. However, if the money was meant to go to you and your husband, then she's done wrong. You say you are from a "different culture" and so only you will know what the general custom is. Either that, or a thank you letter to everyone that attended and say thank you for attending and that your mother will thank them personally as she has taken the money they gave, you assume they knew that? Let them deal with her then, rather than you.

Wildheart - assuming that you are correct, and that this is what has happened here - would you have expected the money to be given to the bride and groom, or straight to the mother?

The problem boils down to lack of communication.
Talk to your mother op.
If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to have a frank conversation

thumbwitchesabroad the money is given in an envelope with the name of the person giving the money on the outside.

I think it's quite possible to be brought up in a culture without learning the nuances of something as decidedly adult as wedding gift rules in childhood. Others here have picked these things up along the way but that doesn't mean everyone does.

I know I made some errors in etiquette at the first weddings I went to "as a grown up" - it was unfamiliar territory, for which all my childhood experience as a flowergirl did not prepare me. Add in a difficult relationship with mum and I can believe this could be a norm that comes as a surprise to OP. Which is why, OP, I think a quiet word to extended family is the right place to start.

I can understand these systems and they do make sense,

The issue here is that op's wedding was hijacked by her overbearing mother, who has clearly insisted on doing everything her way (right down to cultural traditions that op may not have wanted to include as part of her day). Op has gone along with it for some reason.

If this was a case if a loving, caring mother with a good relationship with her daughter, honouring family traditions by paying for the wedding. I'm sure the op would not mind her mother taking the money to reimburse herself.

But they don't seem to have a good relationship.

I found this reference to nindra which explains a custom of Lena-dena

books.google.co.uk/books?id=L68jCV7YaXAC&pg=PA82&lpg=PA82&dq=nindra+gift&source=bl&ots=4w8-H2IvUM&sig=Kua1c6s76nuxfKSWUM-gHD2MGVQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwix3NKmktDOAhXsBsAKHVO7Dqg4ChDoAQgaMAA#v=onepage&q=nindra%20gift&f=false

OP I remember your other posts about your mother, she sounds like a controlling bully.

I hope you are having a lovely day today, congratulations

More on lena-dena

books.google.co.uk/books?id=v3KKAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA143&lpg=PA143&dq=lena-dena+pakistani&source=bl&ots=g6M4TAydsq&sig=mmwDYuMavco4DWzc8F_4iKtfwHo&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjAkY2K88_OAhXkCcAKHT37CJMQ6AEIJjAE#v=onepage&q=lena-dena%20pakistani&f=false

Where will you live now op? Still with your mother?

Thank you Ivy, I'd forgotten it's sometimes called 'vartan' and 'lena dena'.

It may be worth asking your mother when she will be producing your dowry for your new husband...