Mother has taken our wedding gift money

[coralpig]

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

[midcenturymodern]

Not unusual in my culture, although the excess money after the meal has been paid for would usually go to the couple. I guess the OP is from a different culture as this seems to have come out of the clear blue sky.

Sometimes people write on the invitations how much they expect from each person, cue wild speculation about how much each table is costing and what 'profit' is being made by the hosts and wondering how much the dowry is and what tables the grooms family has and who is getting cake vouchers. I get very cats bum mouth about the whole thing. I would encourage my children to elope.

[NPowerShitShower]

Culture or not - did you get married in the UK? If so, surely at least some of your guests would have given gifts expecting that they were actually for you, as is customary in the UK!

[Pemba]

midcentury they write on the invitations how much they expect from each person?? Really? Blimey, I would be really interested to see how that is worded.

Makes those annoying little 'poems' asking for cash on invitations that have been criticised on Mumsnet so many times seem quite reasonable by comparison.

[CurlyMoo]

If the OP is from Indian/Pakistani culture then this is often the norm. Each side host their own day, usually big money involved and in a lot of the weddings I have been to the mother of the bride or groom (depending on which side is the host) will be given the money directly. ASAIK that is traditionally how it is done.

I do however know that amongst 2nd/3rd generation there has been a shift where the bride/groom want to pay themselves, and guests will be called to come and congratulate bride/groom and the cards will be given to them directly.

[midcenturymodern]

I would be really interested to see how that is worded.

And I would tell you but I'm too Anglicised to be able to read it bar the £100/£80 or whatever. I'll usually have a Whatsapp from from of my SILs saying 'OMG have you seen what X is asking! It's only £550 a table and he wants £80 each' before my invitation has hit the doormat.

[Specialapplek]

Which culture are you from? This is very relevant here.

We are from a Chinese culture and our parents traditionally pay for the wedding. Wedding gifts are in cash and may be addressed to the couple, but they are handed on to the couple's parents. They would note down how much each relative gave so that when the relative's children get married they gift it back.

[SheHasAWildHeart]

Mum pays for wedding. Wedding costs £10,000. Mum is out of pocket.
Religious/cultural ceremony where only friends of family of mum are invited. Friends and family give couple £50 each. Total is let's say £5000.
OP and groom take all of the money.

Now any time a son or daughter of these friends/family gets married they must invite mum - ie reciprocate. OP and groom not invited because they've made it clear that they're not their friends/family. OP's mum then has to give the other bride and groom the same amount if not more than was given on OP's wedding, so say £50 or £60. So if even 20 of the people OP's mum invited, then invite her she will have to pay £50 each and be out of pocket £2000.

I need to get DD out of the bath but the above is just an example of how nindra works, of covers the cost of the wedding as a bare minimum.

OP and groom have got a free wedding plus £5000.

I'm not saying it's like this in all families. My parents let me keep the money I was given to put as a deposit on my house and then they furnished the house for us. I think based on your other threads you should now what to expect of your mother by now.

[Benedikte2]

In the SE Asian culture (Chinese/Vietnamese/Taiwanese) money is expected. The weddings I attended had someone sitting at a table near the door and the guests queued up and handed over their money in a red envelop which was duly noted. I was told the money paid for the receptions -- many guests, huge menu etc and a great experience. Throughout the evening the bride would retire and re enter wearing another lovely outfit.
Family and friends saw to it that the young couple had what was needed to set up home.
Of course it is a Western tradition for young couples to live separately -- traditionally the bride would go to live with her husband's family. I guess that's why more emphasis is put on the wedding feast and lavish clothing than supplying the happy couple with bed linen and a toaster?

[user1471441955]

Well explained Wild Hart- this is what I meant. My wedding worked liked this:

Friends of mine and husband- gifts on gift list kept by me
Family money/ gifts- given to me and kept
Money gifts by parents friends- kept by parents. To be fair they did offer these to us- but I declined as they had already occured the huge expense of the wedding and because they would need to reciprocate these.

Most friends from the same culture have done the same.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

It is illegal to open post addressed to someone else - even if it is obviously junk mail. You could quite reasonably involve the police in this if you wished. She has committed two imprisonable offences.

A) She has opened post not addressed to her
B) She has taken the contents and appropriated them for her own use. This is THEFT>

[SheHasAWildHeart]

If I was your mother and you reported me to the police I'd send you a bill for the wedding. And everything else your mother has probably paid for over the years.

[Libitina]

I'd mention it in the wedding speeches tomorrow. Watch her try to crawl out of it when she is outed in front of everyone.

Then go no/low contact with her.

[Libitina]

If I was your mother and you reported me to the police I'd send you a bill for the wedding. And everything else your mother has probably paid for over the years.

So you condone stealing from your own daughter then?

[Kirriemuir]

Are you coming back OP?

[Marynary]

2kids2dogsnosense It isn't "post" if it hasn't been posted.

[EstellaHavisham]

I am a peaceful sort but I would take my mother down with my own bare hands if she tried this on my wedding day.

[midcenturymodern]

Is it 'post' if not sent through the post?

[acatcalledjohn]

If I was your mother and you reported me to the police I'd send you a bill for the wedding. And everything else your mother has probably paid for over the years.

If she was my mother she'd lose the relationship with her daughter.

[Marynary]

In the scenario described by user1471441955 and SheHasAWildHeart it would seem totally reasonable to keep the money from the parent's friends and unreasonable for OP to expect otherwise. Parents don't keep money in the UK but considering that many brides/grooms pay for their own wedding nowadays that's not really surprising. We don't know the culture is though as for some strange reason OP hasn't mentioned it..

[LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt]

What does your father have to say about this? On some of your other threads you mention both of your parents. Was it not his money as well contributing to the wedding?

[AyeAmarok]

This is unbelievable.

If it's true, I'd tell the guests and the police.

[TaterTots]

I hate this idea that guests are supposed to help pay for the wedding. If you want one, bloody well pay for it.