Mother has taken our wedding gift money

[coralpig]

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

[SpiritedLondon]

Well the practice may be cultural but they are still subject to UK law. If the envelope was addressed to the couple then it is evidence that the gift was intended for them and not someone else. To take the money would then be theft. If the practice is for the money to go to the parent then the safest course is to address the envelope to the parent to make it clear. ( I assuming the envelopes were all in your mothers house ..... Because if she entered somewhere else to get it you may have other offences) Whether you would actually report your mother for theft however is another matter. What confuses me is why the subject of costs for the wedding had not been clarified prior to this. Discussions about who pays for what should presumably have been sorted long ago. If there was an expectation for the grooms family to contribute then it's a bit late bringing it up now. Is there someone who can mediate this situation for you OP? Perhaps splitting the cash somehow could be agreed. I appreciate that this is galling but possibly a solution to avoid contaminating the rest of the celebrations.

[Astoria797]

OP is probably young & not as involved/interested in day to day customs (unless it's her wedding of course!). A lot of this stuff isn't taught, it's learned by attending (and giving) at a lot of events and functions & mixing with people of your culture.

[PersianCatLady]

Astoria797
That is interesting, I did not know that.

What I don't understand now then is that if that is usual in this lady's culture surely she wouldn't be surprised that it has happened?

[Astoria797]

It's also payback from all the times she must have gifted other families kids. So yes yabu. Should have paid for your own wedding and arranged for a 'gift guard' like most Indian/Pakistani/Middle eastern weddings.

[Astoria797]

PersianCatLady - some cultures have so many ceremonies it ends up costing so much that it can make people bankrupt, and so the guests contribute. The gifts have nothing to do with the bride and groom and are meant for the parents paying for that particular event.

[Astoria797]

Are you Indian/Pakistani? If so she's right. The gifts are meant for the parents even if they have your names on it.

[PersianCatLady]

Different culture
This bit is totally irrelevant as regardless of what culture you are from, taking other people's money is stealing even if they are family.

[bobbyboy]

Probably the same culture, we got married 24 years ago and my parents paid for both the religious ceremony and the legal one. After the religious ceremony I went to my inlaws house and they kept all the money both sides had given us, we are given money after the ceremony and it is put in our laps. They collected it all and kept it all, they even wanted to keep the presents my parents gave to me, but fortunately they went straight to where we were going to live, thankfully not with inlaws. FIL did give us some money to spend whilst we went on honeymoon and then demanded it back as soon as we were back, DH gave him a cheque and said please don't bank it until I get paid but deaf ears, banked it immediately. Needless to say we don't get on and never have in 24 years!

[Cagliostro]

[FedUPFTMum]

your mother is in the wrong. as your culture seems similar to mine, i would only send thank you notes to the people who sent presents, then for the second one nominate someone and ask the MC to say please give all cash gifts to.........as the last time the cash was stolen! you can choose to do the second part or not. It would be disrespectful to call her out blatantly.

I would wait for her 60th birthday and give her a beautiful payback.

[DeclutterQueen]

Shamelessly place marking

[midcenturymodern]

why do some people give gifts and some gift money then? Why not everyone give money for the parents to recoup such a huge amount?

Because people do what they like for all sorts of reasons. At my wedding nearly all Chinese people gave money and nearly all non-Chinese gave boxed gifts but it wasn't absolutely clear cut. Younger people might give a boxed gift because it's often cheaper to give something that looks good for an amount of money that looks a bit stingy in cash. My Chinese aunt gave me a vacuum cleaner even though I had an almost new one already, but I guess she thought it was better than mine or would do once mine broke or she was re-gifting it. I didn't cross examine her I just said thank you.

I guess MN is mainly white UK, but there are some completely batshit wedding threads, often regarding gifts and the 'grabby' and 'entitled' behaviour of anyone expects a gift. There are many different views regarding the etiquette of giving cash or buying off a list that someone has had the audacity to include with an invitation or giving them something they haven't asked for. People from other cultures have different views within that culture and families too.

[FinallyHere]

's interesting what is normal is one culture is extraordinary in another. For example, people paying for their own drinks in normal at English weddings but in my culture it would be a real faux pas if guests paid for their own drinks.

Indeed, and that there is diversity within any culture.

I have been to lots of weddings, of English (and others, too) people in England. Only a few of those weddings ran a 'cash bar' where guests paid for their own drinks. In each case where they did this, it was obvious from knowing the couple and their circumstances that they would not have been in a position to fund all the drinks without this. I would rather have scaled back the overall event than ask for a contribution in this way. We were lucky enough to be able to fund exactly the type of event that we wanted.

[ShanghaiDiva]

This would be completely normal in China. Everyone gives cash and records are kept of how much you gave so that a similar amount is given when eg a guest from your wedding gets married.
Am surprised that op was not aware this was a cultural norm for her family and what her mum was going to do /why didn't the mum mention it before?
As pp have mentioned the guests basically pay for themselves. In China the amount you give is supposed to at least cover the cost of your meal.

[Juney21]

I'd take this as a huge red flag for your future with your Mother. What she has done is theft. No question. Worse than that, she obviously feels she can control you. If you allow this to pass, you are sentencing yourself to a controlled future. I shudder to think what your life will be like if you have children. If she buys them gifts will that then give her free reign to empty your purse whenever she feels like it?
What has your partner said about this?

[Serialweightwatcher]

summerskittles91 I'm just confused that, okay maybe OP may not have come across this but would have thought she would have an inkling - surely parents would have mentioned it before taking the envelopes on the day if it's common practise. Also, if it is the usual, why do some people give gifts and some gift money then? Why not everyone give money for the parents to recoup such a huge amount? Just want to understand it better.

[Anmi0802]

Toastdemon please dont use grandchildren on this, this is horrible and has nothing to do with kids, its the worse opinion i've heard
Op your mum is so wrong, tell her to read these post and she will see it's not only you who thinks this way, she stole it from you and yor husband

[Kpo58]

Cultural norms or not, stealing the money from the wedding envelopes isn't legal.

Locking women and children in the house when the men are away is a cultural norm in some places, but it's not legal here (although it does sometimes happen).

So you mustn't just accept things going on illegally just because they are a "cultural norm".

[nick247]

I am a little confused. I know the OP should be grateful that her mother paid for the wedding, but IF she is reimbursing herself with money from gifts, then she is not in fact paying for the wedding, it would appear it is the guests who are actually paying themselves. Therefore what has she actually contributed?

[summerskittles91]

This is common practice in the indian/asian culture.

My parents paid for mine and DH's wedding reception, as it is common for the brides parents to do so. Family always give cards addressed to the couple but it is for the parents, they've forked out a lot for the wedding.

In my culture you also get money as a couple, when family visit you for the first time, or you visit your family members for the first time, this is money that we kept of course.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it - it is just culture. I don't know how old the OP is, or whether they have any siblings, if they are the first to get married maybe they don't know how it is.

I can get why people would be shocked by this, but indian weddings can cost from 10k to 100k. I can admit ours was about 30-40k. I'd feel awful if I expected my parents to hand over that money to me, when they'd worked incredibly hard to pay for the wedding.

[NoahVale]

i dont spose she will be back for a while, if she is off on her honeymoon.

but OP I think you need to take your query elsewhere, somewhere will understand the cultural norms in your situation. the majority of posters on mumsnet just dont get it.

[TaterTots]

StillRabbit - fair enough if she's posting 'OMG big day here at last!' on FB, but a whole story about her mum being a thief that she knows will get replies (that she hasn't had time to look at two days later)? I don't buy it.

[DerelictMyBalls]

In the same situation, I would tell everyone who gave a gift that my husband and I did not receive them, that my mum took all the wedding gifts for herself.

If this practise is generally acceptable in this culture, they should be totally cool with that. If not, it is then between the gift giver and the mum to sort out between them.

I would not speak to the mum again until she gave the money back.

[DerelictMyBalls]

(The police will) offer family mediation

Perhaps the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on Mumsnet.

[oldgrandmama]

Unbelievable. When my daughter got married, my ex husband and I stumped up a small fortune for the wedding. Daughter and new husband got given a load of cash as wedding presents. It would never have occurred to either ex or me to expect any reimbursement.