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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has taken our wedding gift money

260 replies

coralpig · 20/08/2016 10:19

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

OP posts:
chocomochi · 21/08/2016 21:56

Congratulations on your marriage.

I'm sorry to say that if it's part of your culture, you're going to have to accept it. It costs a huge amount to host a wedding, and especially if most were her guests they probably expect the money to go to your mother anyhow.

BastardGoDarkly · 21/08/2016 22:10

Op? Any further thoughts?

WittyCakeMeister · 21/08/2016 22:17

There are some very extreme pieces of advice on this thread. Like telling the police, etc.... :-s

Did she ever say to you that she was not prepared to pay for the wedding and that it was a loan? Or that she thinks you should pay for the wedding yourself? Because then I'd understand her behaviour.

If not....
She is punishing you because she feels bitter about the fact that your husband's family did not contribute. That is unfair, and she should take it up with them if she feels that strongly about it.

If its easy for you to have a conversation with her face-to- face, tell her that she never said at any point that the wedding money she paid was a loan. That she has no right ot take the money as it was intended as gifts for you and your husband. That if she does not give the money back, you are going to contact each guest personally (phone call, not a passive-aggressive thank you letter, which would make you sound bitchy) and ask them who the money was intended for. That if they say it was intended for you, you will ask them to contact her to tell her to give the money back. Say you are very grateful that she paid for the wedding, but that it was her choice and she can't then begrudge it and punish you as an afterthought.

If you can't say this to her personally, write it in a letter.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 21/08/2016 22:31

I don't view this as theft.

If the OP had thrown their own wedding, and the guests had given cash with the intention of it going to the OP to spend how they wish then I would have a different opinion. But, in this case, I expect the DM threw the wedding and invited people who understood that the money given would go to cover the costs of the wedding party, therefore no theft.

If my assumption is along the right lines then if the OP were to try to 'reveal' the mother to the guests, she would end up showing herself up instead as disrespectful.

Citruslemon · 21/08/2016 22:38

Just to add that OP isn't South Asian, she's Egyptian.

A quick search of her username shows difficult relationships with her parents, her friends and even her DP.

heyjude12 · 22/08/2016 00:10

This is v common in many cultures. She would have given her friends children money and they returned it at your wedding. It's the norm . Yabu

TaterTots · 22/08/2016 02:06

The whole thing smells fake. The OP mentions 'different culture' but with no details. Why? Without the details, we can't say if this is acceptable within said culture - and in any case, surely she would know better than us. If the culture is actually irrelevant, why did she mention it.

Not a peep out of her since the original post. Yes, I know people have said it was supposedly the day of the legal wedding and that she'll have been too busy to look - can they explain why she wasn't too busy to post on the morning of the wedding

Citruslemon · 22/08/2016 06:47

tatertots OP has a previous thread about how her dad cheated on her mum and is a bigamist and she is NC with him and how much she dislikes him blahblah. But then she has a thread to say that that she's ordering him a bouquet for Father's Day (which apparently she does every year) but the florist isn't taking her calls. She also has a fair few threads about misunderstandings with her friends.
Her mum probably did take the money, but I think OP has her wires crossed about some parts of the story.

StillRabbit · 22/08/2016 07:43

Yes, I know people have said it was supposedly the day of the legal wedding and that she'll have been too busy to look - can they explain why she wasn't too busy to post on the morning of the wedding

No such thing as social media or Mumsnet when I got married, but I would have time to post on the morning of my wedding, instead I took my parents dog for a walk. BUT once the hairdresser etc. arrived I was busy, busy, busy and wouldn't have time to post until, maybe, a couple of days later.

So it is perfectly reasonable for the OP to have posted in the morning and than have got too busy.

Serialweightwatcher · 22/08/2016 08:36

If this is the norm in OP's culture, surely she would have known that already wouldn't she? If it's common practise, she would have been brought up with friends and family having had the same done to them, so why is she shocked by it then?

oldgrandmama · 22/08/2016 08:47

Unbelievable. When my daughter got married, my ex husband and I stumped up a small fortune for the wedding. Daughter and new husband got given a load of cash as wedding presents. It would never have occurred to either ex or me to expect any reimbursement.

DerelictMyBalls · 22/08/2016 08:50

(The police will) offer family mediation

Perhaps the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on Mumsnet.

DerelictMyBalls · 22/08/2016 08:55

In the same situation, I would tell everyone who gave a gift that my husband and I did not receive them, that my mum took all the wedding gifts for herself.

If this practise is generally acceptable in this culture, they should be totally cool with that. If not, it is then between the gift giver and the mum to sort out between them.

I would not speak to the mum again until she gave the money back.

TaterTots · 22/08/2016 09:09

StillRabbit - fair enough if she's posting 'OMG big day here at last!' on FB, but a whole story about her mum being a thief that she knows will get replies (that she hasn't had time to look at two days later)? I don't buy it.

NoahVale · 22/08/2016 09:50

i dont spose she will be back for a while, if she is off on her honeymoon.

but OP I think you need to take your query elsewhere, somewhere will understand the cultural norms in your situation. the majority of posters on mumsnet just dont get it.

summerskittles91 · 22/08/2016 09:54

This is common practice in the indian/asian culture.

My parents paid for mine and DH's wedding reception, as it is common for the brides parents to do so. Family always give cards addressed to the couple but it is for the parents, they've forked out a lot for the wedding.

In my culture you also get money as a couple, when family visit you for the first time, or you visit your family members for the first time, this is money that we kept of course.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it - it is just culture. I don't know how old the OP is, or whether they have any siblings, if they are the first to get married maybe they don't know how it is.

I can get why people would be shocked by this, but indian weddings can cost from 10k to 100k. I can admit ours was about 30-40k. I'd feel awful if I expected my parents to hand over that money to me, when they'd worked incredibly hard to pay for the wedding.

nick247 · 22/08/2016 10:01

I am a little confused. I know the OP should be grateful that her mother paid for the wedding, but IF she is reimbursing herself with money from gifts, then she is not in fact paying for the wedding, it would appear it is the guests who are actually paying themselves. Therefore what has she actually contributed?

Kpo58 · 22/08/2016 10:12

Cultural norms or not, stealing the money from the wedding envelopes isn't legal.

Locking women and children in the house when the men are away is a cultural norm in some places, but it's not legal here (although it does sometimes happen).

So you mustn't just accept things going on illegally just because they are a "cultural norm".

Anmi0802 · 22/08/2016 10:51

Toastdemon please dont use grandchildren on this, this is horrible and has nothing to do with kids, its the worse opinion i've heard
Op your mum is so wrong, tell her to read these post and she will see it's not only you who thinks this way, she stole it from you and yor husband

Serialweightwatcher · 22/08/2016 13:14

summerskittles91 I'm just confused that, okay maybe OP may not have come across this but would have thought she would have an inkling - surely parents would have mentioned it before taking the envelopes on the day if it's common practise. Also, if it is the usual, why do some people give gifts and some gift money then? Why not everyone give money for the parents to recoup such a huge amount? Just want to understand it better.

Juney21 · 22/08/2016 13:57

I'd take this as a huge red flag for your future with your Mother. What she has done is theft. No question. Worse than that, she obviously feels she can control you. If you allow this to pass, you are sentencing yourself to a controlled future. I shudder to think what your life will be like if you have children. If she buys them gifts will that then give her free reign to empty your purse whenever she feels like it?

What has your partner said about this?

ShanghaiDiva · 22/08/2016 14:08

This would be completely normal in China. Everyone gives cash and records are kept of how much you gave so that a similar amount is given when eg a guest from your wedding gets married.
Am surprised that op was not aware this was a cultural norm for her family and what her mum was going to do /why didn't the mum mention it before?
As pp have mentioned the guests basically pay for themselves. In China the amount you give is supposed to at least cover the cost of your meal.

FinallyHere · 22/08/2016 14:53

's interesting what is normal is one culture is extraordinary in another. For example, people paying for their own drinks in normal at English weddings but in my culture it would be a real faux pas if guests paid for their own drinks.

Indeed, and that there is diversity within any culture.

I have been to lots of weddings, of English (and others, too) people in England. Only a few of those weddings ran a 'cash bar' where guests paid for their own drinks. In each case where they did this, it was obvious from knowing the couple and their circumstances that they would not have been in a position to fund all the drinks without this. I would rather have scaled back the overall event than ask for a contribution in this way. We were lucky enough to be able to fund exactly the type of event that we wanted.

midcenturymodern · 22/08/2016 18:29

why do some people give gifts and some gift money then? Why not everyone give money for the parents to recoup such a huge amount?

Because people do what they like for all sorts of reasons. At my wedding nearly all Chinese people gave money and nearly all non-Chinese gave boxed gifts but it wasn't absolutely clear cut. Younger people might give a boxed gift because it's often cheaper to give something that looks good for an amount of money that looks a bit stingy in cash. My Chinese aunt gave me a vacuum cleaner even though I had an almost new one already, but I guess she thought it was better than mine or would do once mine broke or she was re-gifting it. I didn't cross examine her I just said thank you.

I guess MN is mainly white UK, but there are some completely batshit wedding threads, often regarding gifts and the 'grabby' and 'entitled' behaviour of anyone expects a gift. There are many different views regarding the etiquette of giving cash or buying off a list that someone has had the audacity to include with an invitation or giving them something they haven't asked for. People from other cultures have different views within that culture and families too.

DeclutterQueen · 23/08/2016 08:11

Shamelessly place marking

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