Mother has taken our wedding gift money

[coralpig]

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

Is it part of the culture?

Did you know she was struggling to pay for your wedding but you let her do it anyway?

[GlitteryFluff]

Who does that? Wedding gifts are for a he bride and groom. End of.

[Gononsuch]

I'm quite reserved,

How are you quite reserved, with a name like LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt.

Sorry for going off topic, but theirs got to be a good story/thread here,

[NoahVale]

no culture Does excuse it.
it is not theft, in your mother's eyes.
She spent a lot, she is just getting back what she spent. therefore the Guests paid for it.

[trafalgargal]

Is the culture your or your DH ......and is it a culture were this is a common practise?

(On a personal note I'd like to know which cultures this is customary so I can ensure that any gifts I give in that scenario are not cash gift so go to the recipient I intend)

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

What a peach your mother is.
Fine, so she paid for the wedding, she gets the money - that's her reasoning, eh?
Well fuck that.
I'd keep her well away from you and yours from now on. She'll be flogging your material gifts before you know it, and probably your home from underneath you. ESPECIALLY if she contributed to it!

I'd pass on getting her any gifts for a while.

[whatisitlike]

I married into a different culture and this was common. Monetary wedding gifts which were passed to parents by their family were understood to be for the parents.
If that is how she was raised she may feel it's normal.

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

I suppose it's no different to any other couple that ask for cash, it's to recover what was spent on the wedding. In this case the mum paid so it's her that is being re-I burned.

Without knowing the culture nobody knows if it's right or wrong or if guests would know it to be the case.

[PlotterOfPlots]

Have you got any aunties and uncles you could have a quiet word with? Ask if this is the norm for starters and assuming it's not, it might be a more effective way to get it resolved than PA thank you notes.

[NoahVale]

I cant believe some of the responses here,
Call the Police, on her Mother?

quite frankly ridiculous

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would report this to the police; she has taken your wedding gifts.

Being from a different culture has nothing to do with power and control; she was exerting power and control over you all over again. She controlled your wedding and guest list after all.

Both of you need to present a united front when it comes to your mother and raise your boundaries a lot higher than they currently are, they are way too low and selfish self centered people like your mother will take advantage.

[NoahVale]

And the police would do what exactly?
probably offer family mediation

[elfies]

Why didn't your mum rein in the wedding arrangements if she couldn't afford it .
If it was a matter of not losing face ,surely your explaining what your mum has done is far far worse.
I suppose it depends on how much you love your mum. Perhaps it would be better to just remember what she's done and never allow your mum in a position to do anything like this again

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

And what Gazelda wrote earlier. I would write a note to each guest precisely along the lines she has suggested.

[kali110]

Shocking. That's no mother

[GoblinLittleOwl]

The money, presumably cash, was in envelopes addressed to you, therefore legally is your property. She had no right to open them and removing and keeping the money is theft. She can't 'allow' you to keep wedding gifts; they are your property.
But I am rather confused that she is your mother and you don't understand the culture she comes from which she claims supports this. If you are living under her roof you need to get this sorted now, by threatening police involvement if necessary, otherwise she will continue regarding your property as hers and help herself to it.

[MoonStar07]

Culturally not sure of culture but even in Far Eastern cultures this would not be acceptable! What is going on?! Plus she is your mother? So are you and your husband of a different culture? For example in some Eastern cultures you would be seen to join your husband's family and it's pretty old school but your mother in law would probably be handed the money gifted from your side of the wedding. Why did your mother do the party? Why didn't you do it as a couple or your husband's side do it? What is culturally acceptable? Nevertheless putting all that to one side it's pretty harsh! And super unkind of your mother but I expect if like a Far eastern culture as she hosted the event then the cards were probably titled to you but handed to her as head of the family? But the gifts and money should come to you she was kind of like a guardian on the day. Same if your inlaws we're hosting the money would come to you from them! Good luck!

[Longtalljosie]

The thank you letters are the key. Say, well I hope you're quite confident that's what the guests intended as we will be being completely open about what has happened to it all...

[Elledouble]

Are the guests who gave the money from the 'different' culture, or will they have intended it to go to you, as is the norm in the UK? Definitely warn your mother that you will be telling your guests what happened, or that you hope she's stocked up on Thank You cards to send out...

[user1471441955]

This is really not that unusual in my culture either. Sometimes the cash sums given by family friends are very large simply because your parents will be expected to give the friends child a similar amount when they get married. This kind of give and take can be embedded in family/ friendship group and would be very hard for the parents to opt out of. I would never expect my parents to give me the monetary gifts from such friends as it would be them and not me who would reciprocate them.

When I was married, my own friends largely bought presents from a gift lift and my parents friends gave cash. As the whole wedding was paid for by parents I don't think it is unreasonable that they could keep some of the cash from their friends.

I do think the cultural aspect may be very relevant here.

[user1471450412]

If you want to get the police involved, do it right now before your mother has a chance to get to the bank and she still has the cash and the cards addressed to you in her house.

[Kirriemuir]

Disgraceful behaviour. Unforgivable in my book.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"As the whole wedding was paid for by parents I don't think it is unreasonable that they could keep some of the cash from their friends"

How much is acceptable to keep then if it is only some of the cash?. All the money has been taken here.

It was OPs mothers whole idea to pay for and run the wedding to her own exacting (controlling) standards; she also controlled the guest list so in her mind that money was hers to keep. She had no intention of doing anything else.

Cultural mores is no excuse for what has happened here. Those gifts were for the happy couple.

[expatinscotland]

If you are in the UK, I'd go to the police. What she's done is a crime.