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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has taken our wedding gift money

260 replies

coralpig · 20/08/2016 10:19

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

OP posts:
SheHasAWildHeart · 20/08/2016 11:39

Pretty sure the money is nindra and being treated as such. As user abide said, and OP you should know/understand this and it shouldn't come as a surprise.

CharlieSierra · 20/08/2016 11:39

Are the guests who gave the money from the 'different' culture, or will they have intended it to go to you, as is the norm in the UK

The OP says the parents did the inviting, so it's most likely that they are their friends and family and from their culture.

I don't understand why, if this is true, that you don't understand your own cultural norms around weddings and gifts. Your parents have brought you up, surely you understand their traditions?

Grilledaubergines · 20/08/2016 11:41

why did you get married so young?

Wondering what this has to do with anything. Would it make a difference to your opinion?

user1471450412 · 20/08/2016 11:42

It clearly isn't part of the culture. A marrying daughter in a very traditional family would know all the little details of wedding traditions inside out, surely?

VladmirsPoutine · 20/08/2016 11:43

What culture are you from? That might help to understand what's exactly gone on.

Wolpertinger · 20/08/2016 11:44

You say different culture but are you living in the UK and how much do you want to stay in this culture yourself? Would you intend to behave like this to your children or let them have the wedding of their choice? Do you already find her behaviour over powering in other issues than the wedding?

There is culture and there is being a bitch. It sounds as if your mother is crossing over into the latter. Only you can decide what you want to do about the wedding money - confront her, or write it off as a harsh and painful lesson.

However you have definitely learned some painful lessons about your mother now and as a married woman in your own right, you are going to have to erect some boundaries and decide what your red lines are so she can use 'culture' as an excuse for her behaviour every time she wants to.

CurlyMoo · 20/08/2016 11:46

Are you from the "no boxed gifts" culture OP? If so then I would have thought this is fairly par for the course. Wedding monetary "gifts" are not gifts per se, rather to reimburse the cost of the wedding.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/08/2016 11:46

I don't understand posters saying that the OP has pressured her mother into paying for an expensive ceremony she couldn't afford, and therefore it's only fair the mother takes all the money?

That's a huge amount of extrapolation going on!

Likewise the suggestions that the mother hadn't kept the money to repay herself (as the OP clearly said the mother told her), but have somehow moved onto a scenario where the mother is saving the money for her child to have at some point in the future?

I dont see the indications that any of this is happening? Even if the OP is very young.

"... the guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute"

I do wonder if there's anything behind the grooms family not contributing though? Were they expected to? Did they promise money? Or cultural tradition suggests they should have?

Altogether I think it depends on the wedding culture. If it's tradition for the guests to give money specifically to contribute to the wedding, and nothing had been said to indicate otherwise, then I get why this has happened.

It also depends on the guests, if they are from the same culture and expect their gifts and money to go to the brides mother, then there is no theft, as the money is being used as intended. If they gave specifically to you & your husband, then I do think it's theft.

Therefore I'd be writing a thank you note to guests that explains their money has not gone to you.

Whatever happens, the legal ceremony will now be rather awkward.

Good luck OP.

Chippednailvarnishing · 20/08/2016 11:47

quite frankly ridiculous

In your opinion.

I would as a guest be very unhappy if I gave a gift to a couple and the parents took it.

SheHasAWildHeart · 20/08/2016 11:48

OP, nearly every thread of yours that I read is about your relationship with your mother. Your relationship in unhealthy for both of you. Now you're married, concentrate on your marriage and distance yourself from your mother.
If the money was given as nindra then let her keep it.
Move on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2016 11:54

Cannot find any references to nindra; is this the correct spelling.

Coralpig - I think you need to reduce further contact with your mother, she has acted like she has out of wanting power and control over you still. Your previous threads re your mother are in the same vein.

It is not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her this way.

ThatsMyStapler · 20/08/2016 11:55

What is the culture you are from?

NoahVale · 20/08/2016 11:56

what happens at the legal ceremony tomorrow op?
is there any more celebrating?

CheesyWeez · 20/08/2016 12:11

From your post it looks like you are still living with your mum, so go to the place where she put the money and take it back. Put it in the bank. When everything kicks off that will be a good thing, you're married now and life is about living with your new husband! You can't let her take your money. When you move into your new home will she take the presents people give you for that? If / when you have a baby will she take the presents people give you for that?!! Bonkers

Marynary · 20/08/2016 12:13

If she didn't discuss this with you beforehand and it's not part of your culture, then it is theft. It is not only unfair to you but also unfair to your guests who thought that they were giving you a gift rather than your mother.

gingerboy1912 · 20/08/2016 12:17

Who were the cards addressed to?

TaterTots · 20/08/2016 12:24

I'm confused. OP opens with 'different culture', but then provides no details. She asks is the mother being unreasonable. Well presumably if it was a cultural issue, the OP would already know. Also, we wouldn't, having been given no details of said culture. If it ISN'T a cultural issue, why mention it?

Is there a cattle ranch near here? Because I smell bullshit.

Pemba · 20/08/2016 12:28

If OP is from an Indian or Pakistani background, then apparently it is usual to say 'no boxed gifts (please?)' on the invitation, which is supposed to be a more euphemistic way of asking for money. I have had this on wedding invitations myself, and found it a bit puzzling. (What have they got against boxes??) I gave John Lewis vouchers, I hope that was acceptable. I found this:

thebridaldiaries.com/2011/04/18/the-no-boxed-gifts-explanation/

But nowhere does it mention that the money should be kept by the parents of the bride and groom, it is supposed to be for helping them set up in life. I previously thought that was the case in all cultures?

snoringdog · 20/08/2016 12:29

I'm actually angry on your behalf. I'd tell her that she is to hand the money over or you will be letting the guests know, if not then the police. It's theft and in no way ok. How can a family member steal from you?!

tofutti · 20/08/2016 12:30

Unfortunately parents can be that greedy, even if they're otherwise good parents.

My mum wanted me to give her the cash gift i was given by a relative for my wedding, so she could give it to the relative's daughter for her wedding. I wasn't even invited to the wedding as numbers were so limited! (I paid for my wedding myself and received no help from parents btw and nor did I expect any)

NPowerShitShower · 20/08/2016 12:35

She's a thrief, hiding behind culture. Report her and expose her to anyone whose gift she stole. I'd be gutted if I gave a wedding gift and it went to someone other than the intended recipient! This was nothing to do with paying for the wedding party. It was a party that your DM wanted and organized.

NPowerShitShower · 20/08/2016 12:36

*thief

Rubies12345 · 20/08/2016 12:37

I married into a different culture and this was common. Monetary wedding gifts which were passed to parents by their family were understood to be for the parents.

Or so they told you....

StackladysMorphicResonator · 20/08/2016 12:41

That's outright theft! Shock Shock Shock

You need to insist on getting it back, and threaten to tell the gift-givers what has happened if she refuses.

Pemba · 20/08/2016 12:44

The thing is, if this is really the norm in your mother's culture, and the money from relatives was given on that understanding, then I suppose you can't really complain about your mum taking their money gifts. But friends not from that background will naturally expect the money to go to you, and would be extremely annoyed to find that your mum has snaffled it all! I know I would be.